My therapist’s suggestion for our next session

It seems that everyone’s thoughts about how we feel about ourselves and pictures of ourselves as children has finally come up. I told my therapist about my feelings towards my younger parts or at least one of them and she wants me to look at pictures of myself as a child, pick my favorite one and bring it in to therapy Monday. Yippie. I haven’t looked at the pictures yet and I don’t know if that’s because of fear or not. I may just bring the whole little album in and look at them with her.

On a separate note I initiated intimacy with my husband in order to have aspects of abuse re-enacted. He doesn’t know because he likes changing things up so he’s all for that stuff. I figured it didn’t hurt anyone because it’s his fondest wish. It’s not like the abuse hurt so…I don’t know. I felt…different, like it wasn’t just me there wanting it but I can’t put my finger on exactly what it was. Part of me thinks it was something evil, no not evil, almost like an internal smirk and a desire to be bad. I don’t know if I’m making sense.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Alters, bipolar disorder, Child Molestation, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative fugue, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Intimacy, Meds, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatric Drugs, Psychiatric medication, Psychiatry, PTSD, Rape, self-harm, Sex, Sexual Abuse, Trauma, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to My therapist’s suggestion for our next session

  1. This worries me Tai. Younger parts could possibly start seeing your husband as an abuser if he is participating in a re-enactment, even though he doesn’t know it. And I’d hate for you to be re-traumatising yourself. How did you feel afterwards? Was there shame or other bad feelings towards yourself? I’ve had re-enactments happen with my husband a few times and it was kind of exciting and felt good, and it also felt just plain wrong. Please be careful Tai. Take care of you!


    • tai0316 says:

      Dawn you make a good point that never occured to me. I never thought about making other parts in the system view him as an abuser. I would never want that. I’m glad you said that. As for how I felt afterwards, I think I felt like you. There was a kind of satisfaction because I accomplished exactly what I wanted. I wanted it re-enacted and I got it. Not every aspect of the abuse was re-enacted but I got what I wanted. The worse part was feeling that I had done something bad to my husband because I used him and he had no idea. That felt very wrong. But now the problem is that I know I can have this situation repeated any time I want and that probably isn’t a good thing especially taking into account your earlier point. The other problem is that I feel like there may have been a part, one I can’t quite identify (it didn’t feel like “The Slut” because she enjoys pornograhy and masturbation with the purpose of making me feel shame and disgust towards myself) this possible part got a lot of satisfaction from what happened with my husband but it was satisfaction at being able to have the abuse re-enacted. I can’t be sure there was a part but it felt like a presence hovering in my mind, coming up with the idea in the first place and then encouraging me to follow through with it. I’m not trying to place blame on an alter, I’m ultimately responsible for what happend but it just feels like it wasn’t “my” idea so-to-speak.

      I really, really appreciate you mentioning this happening with your husband too. I’m really glad you brought up the point about the viewpoint of the younger parts. I need to think about that.

  2. Your description of the “possible part” is very much like my alter named Desire. She has spoken to me just like that many times in the past. And she never comes fully out, just kind of hovers there, like you say, so that it’s still me out and therefore me doing the re-enactment. Then of course I think it’s just me being disgusting and even when I acknowledge that Desire was behind it, I still take responsibilty because it is all ‘me’ afterall. We worked with Desire in our last therapy session (on Thursday) and there hasn’t been a re-enactment since. I’ll have to wait longer before I can say that there’s definitely been a change, but I sure hope so. I just want you to know that there is hope. Take care,


  3. castorgirl says:

    Hi tai,

    This is a potentially slippery slope. I agree with Dawn, please be really aware of what the implications are for the whole system. You say that the abuse didn’t hurt, but it did. It hurt a part of your system, even if you aren’t aware of it. It might not have been physical pain, but it was (at least) emotionally painful.

    Please honour those parts who felt the pain. If there is a need to re-enact the abuse, that is another part who needs to have their needs addressed, but it has to be in a way that doesn’t cause further trauma to the system. Pain leads to more pain.

    Take care,

  4. Lisa says:

    I agree with Dawn and CG.

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