Feeling traumatized and it’s my own fault

Apparently my actions the other day (talked about in the body memories post) have left me feeling traumatized, at least, that’s how it feels. I started feeling it yesterday, a sense of panic and fear and having the images and feelings that happened on Sunday, happen again and again yesterday. I feel like I’ve gone through it again which is strange considering that I have no memories of my body doing any of the things that it did. I don’t remember my mouth moving that way or… other things. But I feel like something bad happened to me on Sunday. This is not connected to what I initiated with my husband. This is all about Sunday. I’m not sure what to do. CG said that she considers these types of things to be flashbacks but I’m wondering if what I experienced is as bad as what she experiences. I don’t know if what happened with me would be defined as a flashback especially since compulsive sexual behavior was involved (and no I still don’t feel like using the real word right now). It’s not like I was hanging around and all of a sudden I was hit with images and feelings. I did it. I started it. I did this to myself and I’m paying for it so anything I feel today I brought on myself.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
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8 Responses to Feeling traumatized and it’s my own fault

  1. Freasha1964 says:

    Tai, you are being too hard on yourself. You didn’t do this to yourself. Somebody set you up with what he did to you.
    I have been thinking (and not writing much as a result). We have three brains, they say. The most rudimentary one is the lizard brain. Lizards can’t really be sexually abused – at least in my theoretical meanderings on this subject – because they don’t have the other brains that come into the mix.
    The problem with humans -one of the many- is that we have pretty autonomic responses to any kind of sexual touch. We get turned on. I saw this happen to me just now when I went through my spam filter before I deleted it. 80% of the spam is lures for buying Viagra. The titles (subject line) some of them are given cause an undesired sexual response in me, and I feel embarrassed because I have been conditioned to think of these are private issues that should not be aired in public and I should not be responding this way.
    So, here you were, a little girl with a normal sex drive – it shows up pretty early in life- and some unhealthy man who has not been enlightened enough to stop himself and see the great damage he is doing takes full advantage of his power over you. On some level he might even know that you will respond with your reptilian brain and enjoy the touch he is forcing on you. Man, does this lead to confusion, eh? Now you feel guilty, ashamed, all those emotions that are terribly uncomfortable or painful. On the reptilian brain level, you liked some of it.
    Then there are the emotional brain and the cerebral cortex that we have as humans. These ones are telling us this was all bad, dirty, wrong, etc. I am sure there is some reason that society has developed the notion that so many issues around sex are taboo. But never mind why; I can’t spend all day on this and I wouldn’t get it right anyway.
    Suffice to say, Tai, this isn’t your fault.
    I also have another thought. A few days ago you wrote about you medication possibly being ineffective due to the lack of proper quality control in some of the factories where the generics are manufactured. Do you think some of this upset you are experiencing might be due to your medication still being out of balance for the needs of your own personal brain chemistry?
    To me, you seem to be taking pretty good care of yourself, trying very hard to heal, and doing the best you can. Hang in there; go easy on yourself. I can’t offer an explanation about what has been happening to you, but I hope what I have written helps.

    • tai0316 says:

      Hey Freasha, thanks for writing 🙂
      It’s always hard to reconcile reactions that are considered automatic with the feelings that I have now. I’m not sure about the medication aspect but it’s possible that the panic and anxiety that I’ve already been feeling because of the medication switch could be heightening whatt’s happening with this. I’m not sure.

  2. castorgirl says:

    Hi tai,

    I’m so sorry you’re feeling so hurt and wounded. What you say here makes sense, but please don’t beat yourself up over what happened… learn from it instead. It sounds like a flashback, and they can be traumatic. It’s like a part of you has, or is, reliving that experience… that’s traumatic. It can leave you shaking, symptomatic and highly dissociative.

    Please take care of yourself today… don’t do too much; do things which keep you in the present and aren’t too taxing; nothing scary; simple things that make you smile.


    • tai0316 says:

      I wish i could take it easy today but I have therapy which means I’ll be talking about all of this later today. Maybe tomorrow 🙂

      • castorgirl says:

        This is a difficult question Tai, but did the compulsive sexual behaviour occur before or after what happened with your husband? The two incidents might not be linked, but they also might be. If what happened with your husband was triggering for part of your system; then this acting out could be the way they express their confusion. That’s what I was meaning about learning from experiences… sometimes things are connected in ways we don’t see, because we’re not fully aware of what is happening for the system. That is not to say that any of those actions were deliberately aimed at hurting you, but rather, cries for help. If we can learn about the motivations for the different actions, then we might be able to help the parts of the system and stop the hurting. But, it’s like all new ways of being, it takes time and practice to learn.

        I’m sorry if this is too confrontational, or totally wrong. I’m probably doing more than just a little bit of projection here…

        Take care,

      • tai0316 says:

        🙂 Don’t worry CG it’s not confrontational at all. I always, always appreciate when you say things like this or bring up points or perspectives.

        I was too humilated to connect this with what happened with my husband, and part of me felt like no one wanted to hear me whine about what I did to him. I still feel guilty about using him even if it wasn’t “my” idea and even if he had no problem with it (not knowing of course my actual reason for it). So, to answer your question the compulsive behavior came after what happened with him. I pretty much lost my brain somewhere along the line after that and lost control of myself. I hope I didn’t cause you distress since you thought you might be projecting. Of course sometimes even if we project our own experiences, they can still be dead-on when it comes to what’s happening with another person. Thank you and never, ever hesitate to speak up. 🙂

  3. Maybe the compulsive sexual behaviour was a communication from one of your parts. Maybe the behaviour triggered the flashback. Maybe the feelings you are having now are simply more memories. Remember that memories include the knowledge, sights, sounds, smells, emotions and body memories (including actions). Any piece of memory can come to you separately to the others. So perhaps on Sunday it was just the actions and today it is just the emotions? All of it will come together eventually.

    I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time. Don’t blame yourself, please. None of this is your fault, even behaviour you are doing now – you wouldn’t be doing it if you were not abused.


    • tai0316 says:

      I’m actually thinking that you might be right Dawn, that the behavior triggered the flashback. I have therapy today so I will bring up what happened and see what she says. Oh! I wanted to say that I’m really glad CG’s comment on the other post helped you out and you felt validated. 🙂

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