I had therapy today and I told my therapist everything that happened, what happened with my husband and about Sunday and the body memories. We worked out the husband thing a bit. I just need to convince myself that using him to re-enact abuse is dishonest and that I don’t want dishonesty in our marriage.
The other part was…not good. I described what I felt during the body memory and it was very embarrassing and difficult to get out. When I got to a certain part I was surprised to find myself choking up and crying a bit. I don’t cry. My therapist said that I did experience a body memory same as a flashback just from information stored by your brain and body I guess, and that means that I have more information than I did before about what happened back then. She said I felt everything that I felt when it actually happened. That’s hard to handle because that means that things went farther than I thought. I wasn’t
vaginally raped to my knowledge, I just mean that what I remember happening went much further than what I originally thought. The word strike out is to benefit the reader. Anyway, I feel worse not better. I told her that I don’t see myself stopping the compulsive sexual behavior any time soon because I still feel the need to punish myself. She said to trust the process and that I will progress in my own way to get to the point of healing. She said that nothing can take away what happened and it will be a part of me my whole life but that I’m working toward healing. She said it may feel like I’m backsliding but I’m not, I’m going uphill.
I’m so…I don’t know how to describe how I feel right now. I feel like if I sit still I’ll go crazy with this new knowledge. I had to go into our basement and walk the perimeter over and over and over. It’s not good enough. I don’t know what to do, I feel like a different person than I was a few days ago. I’m altered, I’m off. I don’t fit in my own skin. Even my cat can tell, she’s following me around more than usual. Sleeping on it won’t help because tomorrow I’ll just wake up the same. I can’t shake the things I see. I really did re-live the whole thing over again and I can’t shake it. It felt like I was a child again and yet the adult me watched from afar. I can’t shake the images, or the emotions, or the sounds or the feelings or anything. I’m going to pieces inside. I want to cry but I don’t cry. I was taught that crying is weakness and that lesson stuck. I also know that having to suppress my emotions my whole life just makes it even harder to access them when I need to. So, I have no outlet and I want to punish myself but punishing myself won’t make the images and feelings go away. It won’t change anything. So, where does that leave me? It leaves me in a puddle on the floor I guess.