I don’t know how I feel or what to do

I had therapy today and I told my therapist everything that happened, what happened with my husband and about Sunday and the body memories. We worked out the husband thing a bit. I just need to convince myself that using him to re-enact abuse is dishonest and that I don’t want dishonesty in our marriage.

The other part was…not good. I described what I felt during the body memory and it was very embarrassing and difficult to get out. When I got to a certain part I was surprised to find myself choking up and crying a bit. I don’t cry. My therapist said that I did experience a body memory same as a flashback just from information stored by your brain and body I guess, and that means that I have more information than I did before about what happened back then. She said I felt everything that I felt when it actually happened. That’s hard to handle because that means that things went farther than I thought. I wasn’t vaginally raped to my knowledge, I just mean that what I remember happening went much further than what I originally thought. The word strike out is to benefit the reader. Anyway, I feel worse not better. I told her that I don’t see myself stopping the compulsive sexual behavior any time soon because I still feel the need to punish myself. She said to trust the process and that I will progress in my own way to get to the point of healing. She said that nothing can take away what happened and it will be a part of me my whole life but that I’m working toward healing. She said it may feel like I’m backsliding but I’m not, I’m going uphill.

I’m so…I don’t know how to describe how I feel right now. I feel like if I sit still I’ll go crazy with this new knowledge. I had to go into our basement and walk the perimeter over and over and over. It’s not good enough. I don’t know what to do, I feel like a different person than I was a few days ago. I’m altered, I’m off. I don’t fit in my own skin. Even my cat can tell, she’s following me around more than usual. Sleeping on it won’t help because tomorrow I’ll just wake up the same. I can’t shake the things I see. I really did re-live the whole thing over again and I can’t shake it. It felt like I was a child again and yet the adult me watched from afar. I can’t shake the images, or the emotions, or the sounds or the feelings or anything. I’m going to pieces inside. I want to cry but I don’t cry. I was taught that crying is weakness and that lesson stuck. I also know that having to suppress my emotions my whole life just makes it even harder to access them when I need to. So, I have no outlet and I want to punish myself but punishing myself won’t make the images and feelings go away. It won’t change anything. So, where does that leave me? It leaves me in a puddle on the floor I guess.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Alters, bipolar disorder, Child Molestation, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative fugue, dissociative identity disorder, Family Relationships, Incest, Intimacy, Mania, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Rape, self-harm, Sex, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to I don’t know how I feel or what to do

  1. meredith says:

    You know, tai, sometimes none of us know what to do with phantom body sensations, whacked-out inner visuals… the *yuck* of it all. The best thing I know from my own reflections is that learning to ride out the experience is part of healing, too.

    I want to know the why’s, too. Sometimes, though, the mind just doesn’t have a way to comprehend experiences. Let that be, so that you don’t get caught in loops of obsessing over particulars. It’s important to teach yourself this self-control as part of your healing, and it will interfere with the increasing sense of ‘crazy’ that comes with slipping into loops of angst.

    All the answers are in place, but you won’t remember or understand them all at once. Every surfacing of memory takes time to digest.

    (I know… it’s not the answer you wanted… but it is what it is)

    love ya,


    • tai0316 says:

      You know meredith, it’s not about answers I do or don’t want to hear, it’s about what I need to hear, so thank you for what you said. It gives me alot to think about. I appreciate it.

  2. Freasha1964 says:

    Tai, I feel a lot of your pain reading this. I am so sorry you are going through this.
    Here is a link to a story that was helpful for me. (The one about the cracked pot) http://www.aamindell.net/blog/innerwork#top

    In Process Work, what little I know, you would just BE the puddle on the floor. Go with it, don’t fight it. But if this doesn’t feel OK for you, go with that, instead. I don’t want to give bad advice, but just know I am thinking about you, and hoping you will be feeling better soon. And if it gets too much, call your therapist.

    • tai0316 says:

      Thank you for the kind thoughts Freasha. 🙂 I will check out the link you mentioned too. My therapist also kind of encourages me not to fight things but to stay with emotions etc.

  3. castorgirl says:

    Hi tai,

    Staying with the emotions is the key. It’s really, really difficult, but it’s where the healing occurs. So, give yourself time and space to cope with this new knowledge and experience.

    It was so good to read that you realise that punishing yourself won’t make the images and feelings go away. If you can keep hold of that truth, it may help ease the compulsive sexual behaviour. I know they can be for different purposes and motivations, there is still that base knowledge there. That’s really good.

    I agree with your therapist, you’re climbing the hill. You’re doing the difficult work and getting through it…

    Take care of yourself,

  4. roseroars says:

    Not sure what to say, but wanted you to know that I’m thinking of you and riding it out too.


    • tai0316 says:

      Thanks Lisa 🙂
      I’m sorry you’re having a rough time yourself. It’s ok not to know what to say, I feel that way many times when I read other people’s blogs too.

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