I cannot believe how panicked I am over socializing

I don’t know if anyone remembers the “friend” I have, the first person I told (besides my husband) about having DID and about the abuse. I took a giant leap of faith with her and she’s the one who, after I told her, talked about giving her suicidal adult daughter a carving knife and telling her to get it over with. She talked about people just needing to get over bad things that have happened to them when I told her about the sexual abuse. I felt horrible after being around her and my husband and therapist encouraged me to stay away from her. The problem is, she’s also does my hair, so I can’t stay away from her completely. She thinks we’re good friends now and she keeps pushing at me to get together with her but I don’t want to. She reminds me of my mother in certain ways because she’s gotten physically abusive with her kids as adults too just like my mom. I’ve had to defend myself and explain to her why her actions are wrong and it stresses me out. Anyway, today I accidentally answered the phone when she called and she hounded me about getting together. You have to understand that because of my bipolar symptoms I don’t leave the house very often except for doctor appointments and occasionally getting together with a friend who has her own mental issues and therefore understands me as I understand her, which is cool because we support each other. That’s it though, otherwise I stay home. Usually it’s because I can’t drive very well most days or because of depression or anxiety, or whatever. So, I’ve tried to explain this to her and it just doesn’t work! She’s always complaining about something going on in her life. Today she called me and the first thing she did was complain about having her period and now she wants to get together with me. I tried making polite excuses but she wouldn’t let it go and now I’m supposed to see her on Monday. I can’t do this! She freaks me out! She’s all drama and selfishness and she always says how she likes getting together with me because I’m always encouraging and I make her feel better. Well guess what? I don’t have the energy to always make her feel better! I wasn’t put on this earth to make her feel better. But, she does my hair so it’s a business thing to and nows she’s intertwined them. I have to see her as a friend to get my hair done even though I of course pay her for this. You may say, ‘Why don’t you get someone else to do your hair?” It’s not that easy, racially speaking not everyone can do my hair and I don’t live in a huge metropolitan city so the choices are limited. After I got off the phone with her and I realized that I have to see her on Monday and I know how she’ll make me feel, I freaked! I’m panicking, my heart’s racing, I’m a complete mess. I feel like sitting in a corner and rocking back and forth. I let this happen though because I felt cornered and because she doesn’t get the mental thing, there’s no way I can back out without offending her. It’s lose/lose.

About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, bipolar disorder, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Rape, Sexual Abuse, Trauma. Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to I cannot believe how panicked I am over socializing

  1. Lisa says:

    How about I crochet you a rasta hat or a mesh hairsack? I used to sell those on hippieauction when they were around.

    This question (almost exactly) was brought up in this month’s Real Simple magazine (pg. 57). They said that it may take a few months, or sessions, and that the next time you have an appointment only talk about superficial topics like the weather, celebrities. If the conversation veers in a personal direction get it back on track with more superficial things, like what you might be reading in a magazine while sitting there (make sure you have a magazine).

    If you can’t switch hairdressers continue to decline politely. Eventually she will decide she doesn’t really want to go somewhere with you, will stop extending invitations and finally treat you more professionally.

    I know it’s hard to just say “no” sometimes, and to know that you don’t even have to give her a reason because it’s none of her concern. Simply responding “Hmm.” to people I don’t want to talk with almost always works for me. They finally get the picture and I don’t have to hear their gossip or bullshit.

    You could even not show up and claim you forgot later. And in the meantime you can look for a different hairdresser. You don’t owe her anything, I’m sure you’re a good listener and she takes advantage of that, she may know that she can verbally bully you into being with her, and if you let her do that it will just get worse. You will be too upset to go get your hair done and it will turn into a rat’s nest or you’ll be forced to make dreadlocks, and I will definitely need to make you rasta hats and hairsacks. And with my arthritis do you think that is such a good idea? Huh?

    My daughter’s sewing teacher thinks we are good friends, too. Basically she just wants me to listen to everything she says and agree with anything she does. Now I only call and leave messages on her machine and I don’t answer the phone when she calls. She is getting the hint, but we’re still okay with each other, and my daughter loves her as a teacher.

    I’m sorry you feel stuck like this, and I’m sorry, too, that you answered the phone when she called.


    • tai0316 says:

      Lisa you are SO funny! I’d almost take you up on the hat just because. Let’s not make your arthritis worse ok? 🙂
      You’re right oo that it will get worse if I let her bully me into getting together. She keeps inviting herself over to my house and I’ve gotten out of that. I won’t let her come over here, ever.

  2. Lisa says:

    I totally relate. I recently got rid of a friend who was “all about her”. In my 12 Step Program we realise we do not have to do anything we do not want to do or that makes us feel uncomfortable. If we do not want to visit family at Xmas time we don’t because it gives us added stress. I try to look after number one as much as possible.
    Non mentally ill people don’t understand what we go thru. Someone once suggested to me to say “I have a mental illness and sometimes I am unreliable and can’t go out of the house”. That’s the truth, they don’t need to understand it, just accept it. if they’re a good friend they’ll respect your limitations. Take care, L

    • tai0316 says:

      Hey Lisa! 🙂 Looking out for myself is a big struggle. My therapist keeps trying to get me to stop letting people use me but it’s hard because I’m used to being the one everybody comes to and unloads on. Non-mental do NOT get it, you’re so right!

  3. Freasha1964 says:

    Hi Tai,
    If I had to guess, I’d say your “friend” is using you. She doesn’t sound very healthy at all about boundaries, or about fair exchange in relationships. She is holding something over you possibly because she knows this deeply personal thing about you.
    As for your hair. You would trade this feeling of panic and regret and dread for a good haircut? I understand about hair. It took me nearly my whole life to figure out what to do with my hair -possibly due to lack of input from my mother. While I am white, my hair could do an Afro pretty easily. Someone cuts my hair now who layers it. I use hair gels on it to keep it under control and a curling iron to calm the kinks. She is white, and has never in her long career dealt with hair like mine, so it took a while to get it right. Last summer, I never got so many compliments on my hair, ever. You COULD find someone nice and healthy, for your own sake. You know what you are aiming for. Teach them what you know. Maybe you will even like it more! Like your new doctor! 

    • tai0316 says:

      Hey Freasha,
      I know she uses me, I have a hard time being impolite and it gets me into to trouble. Boundaries are very hard for me to enforce, don’t know why. It’s more than haircut stuff. Since I’m going chemical free it’s a little complicated because she has a background in hair biology and she deals with natural hair alot and she knows how to help people who take medications that may affect the health of thier hair. Actually it’s not even all about that because not using chemicals means I can see her much less, it’s the assumption on her part that she has a right o my time because we’re “friends”. I get very tired of having “friends” who dump their crap on you and only call when they want something.

      The biggest thing is her unhealthy attitude about mental health and her similarities to my mother. I didn’t see them until we hung out a bit more and in a way it’s like being around my mother which is scary for me. I find her very triggering and it makes me shaky and depressed after hanging out with her.

  4. Freasha1964 says:

    OK, I understand about the hair situation now. I think Lisa (roseroars) has a no brainer solution, the one I was hoping to somehow come up with but couldn’t think of. Start reigning in the depth of your discussions until they are back to the level of comfort you desire. It might be a good exercise for you. 🙂 One therapist told me “bore her to death” about someone I was having trouble with. Someone who was using me and herself had several problems that made me feel guilty for not wanting to drive her places she wanted to go (she’s legally blind and bipolar) and otherwise “being there” for her. I was having a very difficult time and I simply couldn’t bear this additional stress.

  5. Just want to let you know that I stopped by. I read your recent posts and I feel for you. My head is not in a good space for much writing tho’.


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