I feel like I’m holding little threads of my sanity in my hands. The bipolar thing is not going well. I’m still feeling panic and anxiety and depression that have nothing to do with abuse issues. On the abuse front, I’m feeling like a slut today and I’m full of self-loathing.
I’m seeing child molesters everywhere, at the store, driving their cars, walking on sidewalks. I see people, men and women and I think, “Is that person a rapist? Are they molesting children?” I see little children and I think the same thing, I wonder if they’re being abused. It’s everywhere I look. I no longer see innocent adults and unharmed children.
I went to the grocery store today with my husband and I was walking to meet him on an aisle and a man came around the corner with his basket and I said “excuse me” automatically to be polite and then I actually looked at him and he looked like my Uncle. He was short with light brown skin and I just froze inside. Outwardly I hesitated and then kept walking but I was shaken a bit. I hate that I can’t walk around and see the world the way I used to. At least before, when I was only dealing with my evil mother, I saw evil mothers everywhere or I coveted good parental relationships that I saw. Now…I just see abuse everywhere. That sucks!
I find it interesting that the way I see movies and television has changed too. When I was little, my father had stopped coming around and my mother was already hitting me, leaving me alone at night and cursing at me, so when I saw movies and T.V. shows about families, it would affect me deeply. Now, it’s the same with family stuff but there’s another layer on top of it because of the sexual stuff. We watched Despicable Me last night and I wanted to cry! How dumb is that!? It was stupid because at first, when the orphanage gave the girls to the bad guy, I thought they were crazy because he could be a pedophile (yes this is a cartoon, I know). The at the end when they became a family, I was sad because the cartoon girls finally had a father who loved them. What the hell is that about!? It’s a CARTOON! Jeez! Oh, this was classic too, in the movie the mean lady who ran the orphanage had a place she put the girls called “The Box Of Shame” and holy cow did I relate to that. I know they didn’t mean it that way of course, but it bothered me anyway, first, because it was so mean and second because I would be in that box. Hmmm…I hope I didn’t just ruin that movie for anyone.
I’m calling my psychiatrist tomorrow to see if he can help me with the bipolar stuff.