My psychiatrist put me on a new medication for anxiety. We’ll see if it helps.
I had therapy yesterday. Oh, I should mention that I got out of seeing that lady so that was great. Anyway, I had therapy and I talked about my week etc. I asked her what it mean to “stay with a feeling” like sadness or fear, stay with it and feel it. She went through some steps and I had her explain along the way if something puzzled me. My logical mind was very much in force yesterday and things she said that were emotional or what I considered something that “sensitive” people do, were scoffed at by me even though I tried to listen to her. I do understand what she meant though, but I don’t know how to be gentle with myself or stuff like that. She was talking about how I didn’t have a mother who took care of me after I was sexually abused. She said a mother who loved me would have told me that it was ok for me to be scared and sad because something awful happened to me and she would have reassured me that she wouldn’t let that happen again. She would have made sure that he went to prison, stuff like that. I didn’t have that and I think it impairs my ability to comfort myself. During the session, after that conversation, I became emotional but detached. I told her that I was emotional but I was confused about why I was. She said I had ever reason to be emotional and she helped me to identify what I was feeling since I have a lot trouble identifying feelings. I identified that I was sad and feeling fear. She asked me to breathe with her and then she asked me what I was seeing, I guess I looked like I was seeing something and I told her that I was seeing the room, the room where it happened. I saw him above me and…whatever. Anyway she talked to me about what I felt as I was seeing that and I was stuck on fear and sadness. She told me that I was having a “feeling memory” and that now I knew how I felt back then. I didn’t cry during the session and I think she was almost trying to get me to so I could express my feelings. On the way home, driving in the dark, I felt more emotions but the feelings were coiled in my belly and my chest. I couldn’t release them even though I really wanted to. It was SO frustrating. I had no outlet and it just sat heavy like a stone in my stomach. I was exhausted by the time I got home and disappointed that I couldn’t cry or anything.