Frustration and no outlets


My psychiatrist put me on a new medication for anxiety. We’ll see if it helps.

I had therapy yesterday. Oh, I should mention that I got out of seeing that lady so that was great. Anyway, I had therapy and I talked about my week etc. I asked her what it mean to “stay with a feeling” like sadness or fear, stay with it and feel it. She went through some steps and I had her explain along the way if something puzzled me. My logical mind was very much in force yesterday and things she said that were emotional or what I considered something that “sensitive” people do, were scoffed at by me even though I tried to listen to her. I do understand what she meant though, but I don’t know how to be gentle with myself or stuff like that. She was talking about how I didn’t have a mother who took care of me after I was sexually abused. She said a mother who loved me would have told me that it was ok for me to be scared and sad because something awful happened to me and she would have reassured me that she wouldn’t let that happen again. She would have made sure that he went to prison, stuff like that. I didn’t have that and I think it impairs my ability to comfort myself. During the session, after that conversation, I became emotional but detached. I told her that I was emotional but I was confused about why I was. She said I had ever reason to be emotional and she helped me to identify what I was feeling since I have a lot trouble identifying feelings. I identified that I was sad and feeling fear. She asked me to breathe with her and then she asked me what I was seeing, I guess I looked like I was seeing something and I told her that I was seeing the room, the room where it happened. I saw him above me and…whatever. Anyway she talked to me about what I felt as I was seeing that and I was stuck on fear and sadness. She told me that I was having a “feeling memory” and that now I knew how I felt back then. I didn’t cry during the session and I think she was almost trying to get me to so I could express my feelings. On the way home, driving in the dark, I felt more emotions but the feelings were coiled in my belly and my chest. I couldn’t release them even though I really wanted to. It was SO frustrating. I had no outlet and it just sat heavy like a stone in my stomach. I was exhausted by the time I got home and disappointed that I couldn’t cry or anything.

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Alters, bipolar disorder, Child Molestation, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative fugue, dissociative identity disorder, Family Relationships, Incest, Mania, Medication, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatric Drugs, Psychiatric medication, Psychiatry, PTSD, Rape, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Frustration and no outlets

  1. castorgirl says:

    I still can’t cry for myself, but I can cry about other things and people. I watched a movie the other night and cried… I once cried because a meerket got bitten by a snake on TV – he was an awesome, fearless meerkat and my favourite one of the group. He was innocent and it wasn’t fair he was hurt trying to defend the rest of the group.

    I don’t know, maybe you’re like me and need to cry for other things before you can cry for yourself. I think it’s like I’m testing out if it’s safe and possible to cry.

    It does sound like you’re doing really good work being able to identify the emotions. That alone can be so difficult when we’ve stuffed them down for so long. Take it one step at a time, and be gentle on yourself.

    Take care of you,
    CG

    • tai0316 says:

      You and I are very alike CG. I can’t cry for myself but, let me see a family reunion show, a show where they build a house for a poor family, or a nature show like you(Was that Meerkat Mansion or something like it?), or if I see a sad movie, a commercial about abused animals, whatever it is, I can cry. I’ll weep like a baby. Crying for myself? Ha! Never!

      • Freasha1964 says:

        I have noticed that I can go along, feeling pressure in my chest, throat, (soul, probably) and it turns out that it is tears that want to come out but I need a safe situation with support and understanding, and an invitation even, to cry. If I don’t have that, I tend to go around wondering what’s going on with me; not being in touch with the feelings that are harbored. Have you ever watched a small child get lost in a crowd or fall off the swings? Some of them cry right away. Some of them seem to hold it together until they find their mother (or other trusted caregiver) and when they embrace, the tears start immediately.

      • tai0316 says:

        Freasha, i really like the analogy that you used here about a child going to their mother and then crying, it’s a perfect example. You made a really good point, thank you. 🙂

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