I recently connect with some members of my father’s family. There was no abuse there, my father simply left my life when I was five. Anyway, because deep down inside I wanted some kind of connection with family, I “friended” some family members. Low and behold, my father’s wife sent me a friend request. This is riddled with complications. As I said my father stopped talking to me around the age of five and I didn’t hear from him again until I was twelve when he sent me a letter to tell me he got married. That in of itself is bad because he could’ve gotten in touch with me at any time in my life and he didn’t. Anyway, I was SO excited to hear from him. I worshipped my dad when I was little and it never mattered that he left me because I never blamed him. Stupid. He and my mother were never married so it never occurred to me that they should be together. So, his wife had no reason to feel threatened by me, I wasn’t going to complain about my parents being apart. By the time I was twelve, it was more than clear that my mother was not a good person and I was glad that they didn’t stay together or get married. I had his last name and that made me connected to him in some way. When I was thirteen, I got to see my dad again for the first time since I was a child. I was so excited and so nervous. I hoped that he would like me and I still worshipped him even though I hadn’t seen him in eight years. I went to visit him and his wife and things did not go well. She wouldn’t leave us alone to get time to talk, just him and I wanted so much to get to know him and it just didn’t happen. What was worse was that his wife had a mean streak. I know this seems to be a theme in my life, adults just see something in me that they don’t like, I don’t know why. I tried to connect with her, I was thirteen and I wasn’t ignorant of how the world worked. I realized that she might feel threatened by my presence because I was a child he had with another woman before they got together. I understood that and I tried to show her that I was happy she married my dad and I tried to find things in common with her so that she would like me. She decided to mess with head while I was visiting them. She made fun of me, she said that I acted like I wanted to be white. Being black, that was of course mocking me like I wasn’t black enough for her. I’ll explain that a little and say that because my grandmother insisted on self-education, lots of reading, seeking knowledge, and because I have lived in many places, I speak very properly which can be different than the people who live where I’m from. I’m not saying I’m smarter, I just sound different. She made fun of me. Then she got mean. They left me in their apartment one day and there was no food in the house so I had nothing to eat the whole time. By the time they got back much later, I was hungry. She knew that. I remember the smirk on her face when they got home. She had some food from a fast-food restaurant that they had stopped at and she handed me a hamburger to eat. I tried not to rip it open because I was so hungry. She stood over me while I sat at the table and she waited. She waited until I was just taking a bite and then she said, dead serious, “You know that hamburger is for your father?” I stopped eating right away and I was so embarrassed because I was eating food that was for him. I didn’t understand why she had given it to me if it wasn’t mine to eat. I was so confused and I apologized for eating it and I started to wrap it back up for him. She waited a beat and then she smiled at me and said, “I’m just kidding, it’s for you.” and she walked away. I unwrapped the burger again and started eating but I kept my head down the whole time and I wanted to cry. I was embarrassed and I didn’t understand why she had teased me like that.
So, she saw that I was Facebook friends with two of my aunts and she has sent me a friend request. I don’t know what to do because part of me is still that little girl who is desperate to have a father. I want him to see pictures of me and my husband. We haven’t spoken in many years because every time I speak to him on the phone I fall apart afterwards. I get consumed with thoughts of what’s wrong with me that makes him not love me and it kills me. My husband has actually forbidden me to talk to him anymore because he can’t stand how much pain I’m in afterwards. He really hates my dad. They’ve never met, they only spoke on the phone once before we got married and my father told us that if we wanted him to come to my wedding, we’d have to pay for it ourselves. Since my mother had already told me that we’d have to pay for her and my stepfather to come to our wedding and my husband thought I should have at least one parent at my wedding, we couldn’t afford to pay for my dad too. So he wasn’t there when I got married.
This post is much longer than I intended. So, today I saw that my father is also on Facebook. He had posted a video with him and some religious guy (my dad is really into being a “Christian” and it makes me sick because he’s a giant hypocrite). I hadn’t seen him in so long, I didn’t even recognize him. So now I’m faced with a decision, do I accept my stepmother’s friend request to get some kind of connection to my father, when I really want to tell her to go to hell? Do I send my own father a friend request? Am I that desperate for his love? Or do I ignore them both and feel hurt inside? If I friend either one of them I have a feeling that it will lead to hurt anyway. Our relationship will never be what I want or need. I’m really sad right now and I feel like a child again. I feel weird so I’m going to stop writing.