Part 2: Facebook Complications otherwise known as: I’m an idiot


First off, I want to thank everyone who commented on my last post about this whole Facebook thing with my father and his wife. Thank you SO much! There’s been a slight complication so I wanted to do a kind of update.

I think I don’t understand DID as much as I thought I did. I assumed that every part I have is only affected by things that have to do with either the physical abuse and neglect from the mother, or from the sexual abuse by the Uncle. Well, now I’m confused. After the whole ‘should I or shouldn’t I Facebook my dad and stepmother’ thing, it felt as if my system went nuts last night. This doesn’t make any sense to me though because my father did not abuse me, he just wasn’t there. His wife didn’t abuse me, she was just mean. Why is there internal chaos then? The voices were so loud and confused last night I thought my head was going to combust. Add to that the fact that I started having bipolar rapid thoughts on top of that and it was torture. I don’t know if I can adequately explain what internal system chaos and rapid thoughts feel like at the same time. There were the voices in my system, parts that I’m familiar with, all talking at once and loud enough to get my attention. They kept showing me flashes of pictures but they weren’t all connected to abuse. Some were just flashes of the last memories I had of my dad when I was little, good memories but they hurt a lot too because he left me. Some were of my Uncle and “the room” or images of my Uncle’s wife. Then it would switch to other family images from my childhood. There was all kinds of confusion! The rapid thoughts felt like they usually do. For me, rapid thoughts are completely random nonsense with no substance. They’re gone so quickly that I can’t remotely grasp what the thoughts are, but I know that they are just coming into my head like flipping through a Rolodex of random subjects from an encyclopedia. I can handle rapid thoughts, but on top of the internal voices? Yikes! Oh my god that was awful! Thank goodness I had taken my new anxiety medication that makes me sleepy because I fell asleep before I went insane.

So, fast-forward to this morning. I had been thinking yesterday that it would be quite easy for me to ignore my stepmother’s friend request because she should know better than to even ask me. Problem solved. Then I started thinking about why my father hadn’t sent a request of his own. I was hurt because I felt it was more proof that he doesn’t love me. Well, everyone say “Idiot” on the count of three. 1…2…3, and there it is, because when I woke up this morning, my father had sent a friend request to me. Damn it! After yesterday’s mental tornado of hell, I do not want to do this! I don’t want to friend him or his stupid wife!

Now, the subject was raised in the comments about me deleting my account and someone else asked about how other parts of my system feel about the other members of my father’s family. That’s the problem. I joined Facebook for a totally different reason a couple of years ago and I made my page private. I had one “Friend” because we had a group that used Facebook for swapping trading cards (yes you can laugh. Shut up :P). Anyway, that’s the entire reason I joined and I planned on deleting my account once the swapping was over which would be in about two more years since no more cards will be made from this franchise. So Facebook, for me, existed for one silly reason. Then I happened to see my aunt. She’s my father’s youngest sister and we are actually the same age. When we were little we played together like we were sisters. It was so cool to see her again. I had actually managed to reconnect with her a year or so ago and we have exchanged emails a little which was great. So I wasn’t worried about Facebook with her. I realized that other family members might see me but I forgot how freaking huge my father’s family is! But, that was ok because deep down I’ve lost my connection to these people. I feel like I have no family left in this world because my mother’s side is full of molesters and rapists and abusers. My dad’s family doesn’t have that connotation. I feel left out because everyone knows each other and they see each other every year, but I’ve always found it too emotional to see them because of my dad. I just can’t handle it. So, I figured Facebook was a safe place to catch up here and there, not too often, just to keep in touch. Now, it’s not safe anymore because he’s there. How do I deny my own father’s friend request. Why is this so hard you may ask? Because our lack of relationship has always been his fault. I reached out to him over the years only to be rejected every time. Therefore, I could place the blame rightfully with him. Now, if I say no, it becomes my fault. I don’t want to lose the little connection I’ve managed to make with my aunts and uncles, people I have fond memories of. But…I don’t want to have some internet relationship to this man, this hypocrite who never stops spouting nonesense about “God” and the “Holy Spirit”. I’m sorry if that bothered some of you. 😦 I just can’t stand that about him. My spiritual views and his are a sore spot with us because I’ve called him out on his hypocrisy in the past. He’s a hypocrite. But…he’s my dad and he has the power to destroy me because I still love him. I know that’s pathetic, I really do.

There’s a picture of me at my 3rd birthday party. It’s literally the only picture I have of the two of us together, ever. He has his arm around me, he was a very tall man and he always seemed like this mythical, handsome, godlike creature to me. In that picture, my hands are very small and I have both of them gripping his hand so tight. I didn’t want him to leave me after that party because I hardly ever saw him. That’s all I’ve got, a picture of a little girl trying to hold on to her father. How do I separate that from the grown-up I am now?

How did Facebook become so flippin’ complicated!? I’ve gotten myself into a mess and I don’t know how to get out of it. I’m worried about hurting his feelings, can you believe that!

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, bipolar disorder, Child Molestation, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Family Relationships, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Rape, Sexual Abuse, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to Part 2: Facebook Complications otherwise known as: I’m an idiot

  1. meredith says:

    I don’t think you’ve gotten yourself into a mess, tai. If you feel too estranged from your father to “friend” him, maybe it would be best to send him a private note and tell him that you don’t feel ready to make that leap. It’s okay to say, “Honestly, I don’t know you, anymore, and your request brings up a lot of hurt and confusion. Sorry, but no.”

    He’s a big boy, tai. I can’t imagine trying to connect with one of my children through Facebook. It’s intrusive (and obviously triggering for you). Listen to your system and trust the uproar inside you.

    ~meredith~

    • tai0316 says:

      Hmmm…I honestly never considered sending him a message meredith. That’s an interesting idea. when i think about doing that, I get scared for some reason, like I’m afraid of his reaction. But, you’ve given me something to think about, another option.

  2. meredith says:

    I think it’s always scary to say ‘no’ to a parent, especially when the circumstances of the relationship are strained. But really, tai… Facebook? That seems weird to me.

  3. Freasha1964 says:

    Tai, if I have learned anything in the past 4 years, it is that love ties with air when it comes to human needs. Orphans who get plenty of food and shelter die for lack of love. It is so understandable how badly you long for love from your father. He’s kind of flunked the test, on the other hand. I was also thinking what Meredith suggested; to send him a private message, and her wording sounded perfect to me. This could give him a chance to do some inward prospecting.
    As for you, Tai, it seems clear to me that your husband loves you. How lucky you are for that. And you sound like a lovable person. You are very articulate – you use big big words 🙂 and witty and very emotionally aware and intelligent and your replies are so very gentle and courteous, even when I worry that I have said something that could tick you off . You have given little ol’ me some great insights as you slog your way through this arduous journey called life. (Just the same, I wish you could get a little break from all this!!).

  4. castorgirl says:

    I realise that I might be being harsh, but I see his actions as someone wanting everything their way. It’s like he crooked his finger to see if you would react. Leaving you with your mother was an act of abuse and neglect – he knew what sort of woman she was. He knew what sort of woman his current wife is, and he didn’t protect you from her meanness either.

    On the off-chance that he is genuinely trying to make a connection, you could send the message that Meredith suggests. But my instinct is that he will not understand, or be aware of, the impact of his actions in the past or present. Personally, I’d hit the “Ignore” option and consider deleting your FaceBook account… Or be like me, and have a fake one for all the mental health stuff 🙂

    Trust the emotions and noise inside…

    Take care,
    CG

    • tai0316 says:

      Your statement isn’t harsh at all. I’ve made some of those similar conclusions. Looking at meredith’s suggestion, I decided to ignore both his and wife’s friend request. Done and done. They had the nerve to have the boy they took in to raise dend me a friend request too. I don’t have a problem with him, it’s just that my stepmother played another mind game with me years ago and called me out of nowhere to tell me that she and my father had a baby and it was a boy. It was almost like she secretly knew that I’ve always wondered that if i had been a boy maybe he would have loved me. I was shocked at her announcement and I didn’t know what to say and she gloated about their baby. Then she pulled her old tricked, she waited. She waited until I was speechless and messed up and said that she was only slightly kidding. They had not had a baby, they had taken in her sister’s son to raise. I wished them luck on that one and dealt with the meotional fallout from her head games.

      I do have a question CG and this will sound so stupid like when people think they can’t take tags off of pillows because it says it’s against the law and you take it completely seriously. How do you have Facebook page for just the mental stuff. Facebook says that they check your name when you sign up, so how did you do that and stay anonymous?

      • castorgirl says:

        Ahh a friend request from the boy adds another dimension to this… I wonder if all requests were from your stepmother? If they all share a computer, I wonder if she knows the login details of your father and the boy, and logged in as them to send the requests? I don’t know, I might be wrong, but it sort of seems to be the downright mean sort of thing she would do, from what you have said about her.

        I’d seriously suggest deleting your account and creating a nice new one that it totally fake 🙂 That’s if you want to stay on FaceBook at all. As for FB checking your name… pfft, they don’t have the time, resources or ability to check names. When Kerro and I were playing games that required lots of neighbours, we created fake accounts and added them as friends – at one time I had 9 fake accounts. FB’s checking of your name is limited to not allowing you to have a surname like “Noname”… Seriously, look on FB for some people, I know of many bloggers who use their blog username as their FB name. The only hassle, is that you have to use a different email address for each account, as that is what FB uses as your username for logging in. But again, I have about 5 different email accounts, so that’s not a problem.

        Not that I am trying to encourage you to break the TOS of FB or anything… 🙂 That’s why it cracks me up when FB say they have so many million unique users… I wonder how many of them are fake accounts?

        Take care,
        CG

      • tai0316 says:

        You came to the same conclusion that I did CG, about the stepmother being the source of the requests. Either she sent them or she told the others to send them. Her daughter has now been thrown into the mix and has sent a request too, it’s so stupid! They’re all idiots in my opinion.

        Thanks for the info on Facebook. There have been many, many times I wished that I could have an anonymous mental page, so I’ll look into it.

      • castorgirl says:

        I’m so sorry tai. Remember to hold onto the good, positive things around you now… remember people care about you and love you.

        Take gentle care, and with warm safe hugs,
        CG

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