First off, I want to thank everyone who commented on my last post about this whole Facebook thing with my father and his wife. Thank you SO much! There’s been a slight complication so I wanted to do a kind of update.
I think I don’t understand DID as much as I thought I did. I assumed that every part I have is only affected by things that have to do with either the physical abuse and neglect from the mother, or from the sexual abuse by the Uncle. Well, now I’m confused. After the whole ‘should I or shouldn’t I Facebook my dad and stepmother’ thing, it felt as if my system went nuts last night. This doesn’t make any sense to me though because my father did not abuse me, he just wasn’t there. His wife didn’t abuse me, she was just mean. Why is there internal chaos then? The voices were so loud and confused last night I thought my head was going to combust. Add to that the fact that I started having bipolar rapid thoughts on top of that and it was torture. I don’t know if I can adequately explain what internal system chaos and rapid thoughts feel like at the same time. There were the voices in my system, parts that I’m familiar with, all talking at once and loud enough to get my attention. They kept showing me flashes of pictures but they weren’t all connected to abuse. Some were just flashes of the last memories I had of my dad when I was little, good memories but they hurt a lot too because he left me. Some were of my Uncle and “the room” or images of my Uncle’s wife. Then it would switch to other family images from my childhood. There was all kinds of confusion! The rapid thoughts felt like they usually do. For me, rapid thoughts are completely random nonsense with no substance. They’re gone so quickly that I can’t remotely grasp what the thoughts are, but I know that they are just coming into my head like flipping through a Rolodex of random subjects from an encyclopedia. I can handle rapid thoughts, but on top of the internal voices? Yikes! Oh my god that was awful! Thank goodness I had taken my new anxiety medication that makes me sleepy because I fell asleep before I went insane.
So, fast-forward to this morning. I had been thinking yesterday that it would be quite easy for me to ignore my stepmother’s friend request because she should know better than to even ask me. Problem solved. Then I started thinking about why my father hadn’t sent a request of his own. I was hurt because I felt it was more proof that he doesn’t love me. Well, everyone say “Idiot” on the count of three. 1…2…3, and there it is, because when I woke up this morning, my father had sent a friend request to me. Damn it! After yesterday’s mental tornado of hell, I do not want to do this! I don’t want to friend him or his stupid wife!
Now, the subject was raised in the comments about me deleting my account and someone else asked about how other parts of my system feel about the other members of my father’s family. That’s the problem. I joined Facebook for a totally different reason a couple of years ago and I made my page private. I had one “Friend” because we had a group that used Facebook for swapping trading cards (yes you can laugh. Shut up :P). Anyway, that’s the entire reason I joined and I planned on deleting my account once the swapping was over which would be in about two more years since no more cards will be made from this franchise. So Facebook, for me, existed for one silly reason. Then I happened to see my aunt. She’s my father’s youngest sister and we are actually the same age. When we were little we played together like we were sisters. It was so cool to see her again. I had actually managed to reconnect with her a year or so ago and we have exchanged emails a little which was great. So I wasn’t worried about Facebook with her. I realized that other family members might see me but I forgot how freaking huge my father’s family is! But, that was ok because deep down I’ve lost my connection to these people. I feel like I have no family left in this world because my mother’s side is full of molesters and rapists and abusers. My dad’s family doesn’t have that connotation. I feel left out because everyone knows each other and they see each other every year, but I’ve always found it too emotional to see them because of my dad. I just can’t handle it. So, I figured Facebook was a safe place to catch up here and there, not too often, just to keep in touch. Now, it’s not safe anymore because he’s there. How do I deny my own father’s friend request. Why is this so hard you may ask? Because our lack of relationship has always been his fault. I reached out to him over the years only to be rejected every time. Therefore, I could place the blame rightfully with him. Now, if I say no, it becomes my fault. I don’t want to lose the little connection I’ve managed to make with my aunts and uncles, people I have fond memories of. But…I don’t want to have some internet relationship to this man, this hypocrite who never stops spouting nonesense about “God” and the “Holy Spirit”. I’m sorry if that bothered some of you. 😦 I just can’t stand that about him. My spiritual views and his are a sore spot with us because I’ve called him out on his hypocrisy in the past. He’s a hypocrite. But…he’s my dad and he has the power to destroy me because I still love him. I know that’s pathetic, I really do.
There’s a picture of me at my 3rd birthday party. It’s literally the only picture I have of the two of us together, ever. He has his arm around me, he was a very tall man and he always seemed like this mythical, handsome, godlike creature to me. In that picture, my hands are very small and I have both of them gripping his hand so tight. I didn’t want him to leave me after that party because I hardly ever saw him. That’s all I’ve got, a picture of a little girl trying to hold on to her father. How do I separate that from the grown-up I am now?
How did Facebook become so flippin’ complicated!? I’ve gotten myself into a mess and I don’t know how to get out of it. I’m worried about hurting his feelings, can you believe that!