I’m really tired and I just don’t care anymore


I don’t know the last time I was this mentally and emotionally tired. I’ve been this kind of tired before but not like this, this is… different. I’m tired of being bipolar. I literally open my eyes when I wake up and the feeling of depression is instantaneous. It’s like breathing. There is no morning when this does not happen and it happened way before I started dealing with abuse issues. As for the abuse issues, I go through the day ignoring any flashes of pictures or thoughts that have to do with that. There’s just too much. I read part of Pandora’s story on her blog Serial Insomniac, and it reminded me of how I felt when I realized how many diagnoses I have. I know they’re labels but…they’re also what I deal with everyday. Bipolar disorder, PTSD, dissociative disorders, DID, chronic pain. Just labels right? The way having an abusive, hate-filled mother affects my daily life even though I’m an adult, the fact that I was never good enough to warrant my father’s love no matter how good I was, daily intrusive thoughts of the Uncle who sexually abused me, thoughts of his wife abandoning me, seeing that “room”, seeing him smile over me, thoughts that I’m missing something about what happened with him, panic at the thought of being around other human beings despite being on a new medication for anxiety, despair for no reason and for every reason, feeling like I’m not a part of human society, like I don’t belong with other humans, feeling distant from my husband because I’m not a whole person.

Yesterday, I was on the internet and I needed, I mean needed, to see images portraying someone being forced into the sexual acts that happened to me. I felt a change come over me. A smirk marred my face and I died inside. I felt it. I died. I wasn’t me anymore, I was a whore and I was dead. I wasn’t human anymore, I was something else, something dead.

I had to socialize with people later that evening and I faked my way through the night and I was dead inside. I thought for sure that people could see that they were talking to a dead person. My husband asked me to share with him what’s going on with me so he can support me the way I need. How can I tell him who I really am inside? I told him that someone like him couldn’t understand or handle it and I wasn’t mean enough to put my thoughts in his head so he’d have to see what I see. There aren’t words for how I feel so I can’t tell him anyway. I can’t tell him what I do when I’m alone. I can’t tell him that what my uncle did to me felt good and makes me aroused even now. I can’t tell him that I don’t deserve to be human and that I don’t have the energy to fake it anymore. I can’t tell him that I’m not human and everyone else is and that I believe that people can see that something’s wrong with me and even though they see it, they still use me when they want something from me. Nothing changes, we’re even having a Super Bowl party this weekend like everything’s fine. I’m not fine. I’m tired and I’m dead inside and I’m not a person. I don’t belong here. I want to be alone, somewhere far away and my fantasy life isn’t doing enough to help me. I want to cry but I can’t. Even though I’m dead, I feel everything. How is that even possible!? The feelings are inside, filling every part of me until I can’t breathe, but I’m dead. Why can’t I be numb at least?

I feel nothing. I feel everything. I’m alive but I’m dead. I hate myself beyond what I can bear but I don’t want to die. Right now I’d like to cut but I don’t know if that’s enough, it won’t accomplish anything, so why bother.

I’m just so tired. There’s no escape, there’s just this life and it never stops. I don’t want to do this anymore.

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Alters, bipolar disorder, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative fugue, dissociative identity disorder, Family Relationships, Incest, Intimacy, Mania, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatric Drugs, Psychiatric medication, Psychiatry, PTSD, Rape, self-harm, Sex, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to I’m really tired and I just don’t care anymore

  1. roseroars says:

    Hey baby. I understand the need to see someone doing what happened to you. You can see it in your head, but feel a need to see it happening with other people . That being said…it’s not healthy. It made me do much worse things to myself and brought out some inside persons I wasn’t ready to work with. But I get how you feel.

    You care about harp seal puppies, right? Or is that too 80’s……. Anyway, I know you care. You just don’t think you care about yourself but part of you does because you’re here writing and you have DID and maybe some of the parts are being quiet or overwhelmed and other parts are experiencing bipolar symptoms and your body is too damn tired to keep up with it all. *whew* Long sentence.

    I’m sorry it feels like this. Can you think of something to distract you? Dance to the radio or a CD? Prepare to bake a cake and eat half the mix so you need a smaller pan to cook it and tell your hubby the recipe is for a small cake? Um…paint your nails? Go for a walk? Play with your hair? I’m trying this:http://www.creativity-portal.com/howto/a/violette/spirit.doll.html from http://kate1975.wordpress.com/category/art-therapy-projects/. You’re a crafty, imaginative lady! You could watch Weird Al ask the Eternal Question: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9TTxgrLUb7c. Have some tea? Email me and tell me to shut the hell up? Gosh…..just trying to help….

    You’re not a dead person, inside or out. Dead people can’t type. And dead people don’t have Super Bowl parties. I think you’re lovely and honest and really hurting and I have no idea what to say to make you feel any better. I’m really, really sorry.

    Lisa

  2. Pingback: Tweets that mention I’m really tired and I just don’t care anymore | Living And Dealing With Bipolar Disorder, DID and the Consequences of Childhood Abuse -- Topsy.com

  3. Freasha1964 says:

    Dear Tai,
    You have said so much, and I feel so sad to read how hopeless you feel right now. That is the nature of the beast called depression.
    I picked up on one thing I want to address, and I imagine others will have more to say about all these numerous feelings you have.
    You DID warrant your father’s love. You were always good enough. You were lovable and are now lovable. Your father has the problem. You don’t have to hold his problem for him. You are lovable even when engaging in the behaviors you feel ashamed about. He should have showed you he loved you but for some reason that had nothing to do with you, he couldn’t.
    But I do know depression on a first name basis. I know that whatever I or anyone says can’t really change how you feel. It is brain chemistry, Tai. You must, please, keep trying out the medications offered by your psychiatrist. I even saw something on TV about a new magnetic treatment that has helped in depression. Ask about that. I know the time drags on, but you will come out of this. Please hang on. I am waiting patiently to witness you slowly rise up…It would bring a joy to my own life, and I am sure to others’ who read your blog.

  4. roseroars says:

    Sorry. I’m feeling weird and took it out on you. I take how you feel seriously, but I don’t know how to make it go away. I just want you to be okay.

    • tai0316 says:

      It’s going to take more energy than I have to respond to every comment right now, but I wanted to tell you that I have no idea what you mean about taking anything out on me. I didn’t feel that way at all.

      I’ll get to everyone later when I can and thank you for your concern, really, I mean it.

  5. meredith says:

    It’s got to be hell for you to work through the depressive side of your bipolar, right now. Words are not just words, tai, and I honestly ache for you as you work to keep your heart in place.

    You’re not dead, though, sweetheart… really. Sometimes… realizations can really stop the heart, though.

    Keeping you near in thought,

    ~meredith~

  6. Pandora says:

    Yesterday, I was on the internet and I needed, I mean needed, to see images portraying someone being forced into the sexual acts that happened to me. I felt a change come over me. A smirk marred my face and I died inside. I felt it. I died. I wasn’t me anymore, I was a whore and I was dead. I wasn’t human anymore, I was something else, something dead.

    OMG. Another parallel. Tai, I know this seems heinous to you – as it has to me – but I have been though this so many times. I’m relieved to know I’m not alone, but I’m so sad that it happens to you too. I’m in a similar position with my long-term partner, too. I want to tell him so much, but that ‘so much’ seems unforgivable.

    Yet, I read your words, and I think “but that’s what happens with a lifetime of horrific abuse.” And it’s true: you are not to blame, and you have done nothing – nothing – wrong. But I know how it doesn’t feel that way; abuse warps one’s mind. So, instead of (even more!) platitudes, I’m sending you empathy and many, many hugs.

    Please take care

    Pan xxx

  7. castorgirl says:

    I used to say to my therapist that I’m dead, but my body hasn’t realised it yet. It’s an awful feeling. Everything is so overwhelming inside, that it’s better to deaden the emotions. If you can, question the parts who needed to look at the images… I wonder what their job really is? Is it to punish, or to protect? Because by looking at those images, your emotions got shut down, and it sounds like they were getting pretty overwhelming. I’m not saying it’s a healthy way to protect, but when you’re dealing with parts who see things through a certain lens, it might make sense.

    I’m really sorry you’re feeling so low.
    As a gentle reminder… you are an incredible caring person who was really badly hurt in the past.

    As an aside, do you like P!nk? Her latest song and video “F**kin’ perfect” is pretty confronting, and I found it triggering. But it shows that you are perfect because of who you are, regardless of how those around you thought of you, or treated you.

    Take care,
    CG

  8. cllilley7780 says:

    OMG! you just read my mind.It seems I’ve had this all my life and was diagnosed three months ago after being mis-diagnosed for the past three years. I don’t know what age you were when you were abused, but I have always felt like it was my fault. Being told that “permiscuity” is a huge symptom was a big blow to me. I wasn’t abused once, but several times by different men, at different ages of my.

    I feel sick to my stomach when I think about how reading incest sex stories gets me aroused. I feel sick, I want to throw-up after having sex with my husband of 10 years because during the course of action all I could do to get an orgasam is to pretend he is abusing me and i’m that little girl again, or worse that I’m the abuser and I’m abusing someone-thankfully I don’t picture any real family member as I fantasize about this. In this fantasy, this kid I’m abusing is liking it and enjoying it as much as I am.

    I’m tired too. Like you mentioned, I’ve been depressed before, I’ve been exhuasted from stress, work, home, everything, but nothing like this. At least before being diagnosed, I just thought I was some perverted, crazy, person. It was much easier to deal with and to block it away drinking and blacking out. Those black-outs, you don’t remember anything-it’s like not being there, not being alive, a part that didn’t happen in your mind if something did happen. You know though, before, when I was younger I didn’t need the incest sites and I didn’t think about the abuse. Getting off on these stories started about two years ago. I don’t know why, what happened that triggered this.

    By the way, I’ve never been good enough for my mom either. If I got honor roll, she would say “yea but principals list is better” if I did great on a solo she would say, ” I heard you missed a note” and so on and so on. To this day she controls me in some way and I can’t break free. My therapist is always asking “why” why does she have this hold on you? She can’t understand the guilt I feel if I don’t do what she says and I don’t know why either.

    I don’t sleep for days sometimes, I used to get graveyard jobs, as a second part-time thing, because I’ve always thought that somehow I could be productive while awake but now I have no energy to do that. I’m just tired. I don’t have a bad life anymore, maybe I did, but now-my husband is supportive, he’s been great even before the diagnoses, even when I would throw
    temper-tantrums. My son is awesome,a great kid, athletic-I seem to have everything going for me but somehow it doesn’t matter-I feel like I’m just here. I laugh and pretend everything is great, I’ve gotten good at that-I’ve had a lot of practice-but really, sometimes I have to hurt myself so I can see if I’m real, if I’m dreaming or wtf I am. I’m tired. I’m very tired. I hope life itself isn’t real.

    It’s been months since you posted this, I hope you get to read it, I for one don’t feel relief of knowing someone with a very similar story-someone who is going through the same thing- is out there-I wish I could feel pity but I can’t. No one feels pity for me. I’m just sorry this knowing your out there makes it even more real and harder to deny.

    All and all, I understand. I really do and I’m tired too.

    • tai0316 says:

      Hi,

      I’m sorry that this is your story as well. I think it’s really good to be able to get all of this out and to know that things that me us feel dirty or perverted are actually normal for abuse victims. I hope reading this post helped in some small way and I hope that you’re seeking a way to heal.

      • cllilley7780 says:

        Thank you for replying. I haven’t gotten that far with my therapist yet. But do you really think we, I, was a victim. I don’t see it that way anymore. Before I use to make myself believe I was a victim and even then I had a hard time believing it was true. Now I don’t believe it at all.

        Anyway, your post was from months ago and I’m sure you’ve recovered well from this cycle. You sound positive in your reply. Wish you the best in your remission.

  9. Elizabeth Jerdan says:

    I know. Every word you wrote, is all I hide away. My sickness layed out in front of me. Never seen it so spelled out before.

  10. Kel says:

    Hope you ok . This is me right now, I know how you feel , I’m on the edge too wondering what to do right now.my world is crumbling around me just lost my grandad yesterday, that’s the 5th family member in 8 months, I can’t take no more, stay safe x

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi Kel,

      I had to go back and re-read that post since it was from 2011 I believe. That was a very heavy post and I’m sorry that you’re going through such a rough time. I’m also sorry about your loss; death is terrible. Take a breath. I’ll tell you something my therapist used to tell me: feelings come and they go. It may feel like they won’t but they will. The fact that I’m here writing a reply proves that. I have to remind myself of that fact many, many times but it’s true. It’s ok to feel your feelings and they’ll rise and fall like the tide. Practice self-care and be safe.

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