The Dead Walking

Oh joy of joys. Because I love my husband, today we are hosting our Super Bowl party and I am a dead person walking.

The reason I supported the party is because we have this cycle we go through sometimes. Like a normal person my husband wants to get together with friends sometimes. He’s kind of introvert so it’s not like he wants to do something every weekend, which is part of the reason that I readily support any plans he wants to make to socialize. I want him to be around his friends and to have a good time. Our issue is that sometimes (not often) he complains that the reason we don’t have more friends, or have people over is because I never feel well enough. That hurts. So, when things like a Super Bowl come up or he wants to have Star Wars party ( we’re huge nerds) I also support it and make it happen. The problem is that putting these parties together and hosting them sets me back mentally and emotionally for at least a week. It’s just the way it is, but I do it because i cause enough trouble and he deserves to have fun. It’s also because it feels like he blames me when we don’t have people over, which I guess he does. The cycle is that, he complains, so I put something together when he wants to make him happy, then afterwards, I’m a mess and he figures out it was the get-together, so then he gets angry and says something like, “You know what, fine, we’ll just never have people over again”, in a very juvenile manner. That’s ok he’s not perfect. But the cycle repeats and the next time he complains about wanting to have people over, I make it happen and there we go again.

I told him yesterday that he needs to see my willingness and efforts to put this party together as an expression of my love for him (since I’m not a really physically affectionate person, I do what I can). I wanted him to look at it in a positive way. We’ll see.

But since this is my blog, I can say that I’m dreading this. My house will be FULL. A large group of people, here for hours and lots of kids who for some reason really like me. The problem is, I’m still dead inside. I’m beyond feeling stress, so it’s added to the dead feeling inside. I just want to stay in my room for the rest of my life.

Yea Super Bowl!


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, bipolar disorder, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative fugue, dissociative identity disorder, Family Relationships, Incest, Intimacy, Mania, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatric Drugs, Psychiatric medication, Psychiatry, PTSD, Rape, self-harm, Sex, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to The Dead Walking

  1. meredith says:

    I used to go for a walk when I got overwhelmed. I told folks I’d be back, that I just needed to run an errand… no, it’s fine… I’m already dressed and ready to go… and I went. But I came back. I learned to work a lot out in twenty minute power walks.

    This year… I don’t have to deal with it. yea.


  2. Good luck Tai. Try to take one moment at a time, just focus on the very thing you are doing in that very moment. And I think Meredith’s idea of taking a walk is great too. You are so beautiful to be loving your husband like this when you are in so much pain right now. I hope he can see that and not get angry with you.

    I’m not in America – when is this super bowl thing on?

    Take care,

  3. castorgirl says:

    Is it possible to communicate fully with your husband the toll that the interactions/parties take on you?

    I’m also with Meredith… “Ooops, I need some of X, I’ll be right back”. Or go sit in a quiet room for 10 minutes with some soothing music.

    Short rests/breaks can really help ease the internal tension – it shows you’re listening to their pain and doing what you can to help.

    Take care,

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