Rough session, possible new memory, can’t take much more at the moment


I had my Super Bowl party on Sunday and I survived. Then things got bad.

I’m going to give a warning here because I don’t know what will or will not trigger some people. I’m not going to go into a lot of details (actually I don’t know what is considered ‘a lot”) but there is a phrase that I’m going to use that came with the possible memory and I don’t want it to upset anyone. Actually, I just got an idea, I’ll say the phrase here with the warning and that way, if it’s upsetting to anyone, you’ll know to skip the possible triggering part…*****phrase warning*****

****”kiss it to make it better” (in the sense of when a parent kisses a “boo boo” on their kid’s knee or something. If that triggers you, you may not want to read this, I’m not going to use it a lot but it came with this possible new memory******

*****possible memory/therapy session information follows******

Ok so this may be TMI but, after my party, which was hours of putting on a face for a large group of people including a bunch of kids, I was stressed and glad when everyone left. Unfortunately, this stress led to some compulsive sexual behavior (Ha! what’s new right?). But something weird happened. While I was engaged in this *cough cough* behavior and no, I’m not saying the M word right now :P, it was like an image was superimposed on top of what I was really seeing. I felt like I was seeing another person who was also me and also laying down but this other me was crying quietly or perhaps silently with her head turned to the right. There was a man “down there” and he was kissing me/her “there” and the words I heard in my head were something to the effect of, he was kissing it to make it better, like a parent kisses a boo boo on their child’s knee or elbow. That was it. When the image and words first occurred, I was immediately confused and I pushed it away but after a few moments it came back forcefully. At that point my M behavior took a predictable turn and my thoughts became bad. That was Sunday. The image and words have come back again and again and always together and when they appear I feel immediate and intense panic and nausea. I feel creepy and just plain weird. Now, in order to deal with this…whatever it is, I felt the need to ask my husband about some sexual interactions we’ve had so I could make sure I wasn’t confusing something from the more recent present with something from back then and he agreed with me that we had engaged in similar behavior. I’ll get back to that because I brought all this up in therapy which, thank goodness, was today. I told my therapist about all of it and I remembered to tell her that on Sunday, some of my alters got my attention and let me know that they needed to do collages so I let them. There were some young parts and most surprisingly James, my male young adult alter who I don’t know very well. He likes to be out of the limelight so I was surprised he wanted to communicate. They did their art and left. Kind of strange. Anyway, after giving my therapist all of the details, which by the way was excruciatingly humiliating (she takes everything so calmly), we started discussing what it all meant, if anything. She looked at the details of the intimacy between my husband and I and the details of what I saw and felt and came to the conclusion that because I experienced feeling memories etc. that included crying and words that my husband has never, ever said to me about “kissing it to make it better”, and just looking at the whole thing, she considers it a flashback. She said that it’s not unusual for sexual acts between couples to mimic something that happened in the past, it could be lots of things that would do that, but the context of when and how they happen can change how a person feels about those actions. I can explain that statement if someone needs me to. The problem was that deep inside, since it happened on Sunday, I was already feeling that it was a memory I just needed to talk to her. The reason this is so huge for me is that in the overlayed image when the words about ‘kissing it to make it better’ are heard in my head, my underwear is off. I have never, ever, had any memory about my underwear ever being off and for some reason this is freaking me out! It’s a weird thing to freak out about because I already accept that he put his ^%%$# in my mouth, but somehow this is different. And the big question is (and I asked my therapist this) what did he have to make feel better? Why did that area need to be kissed to make it better? What had happened???? She wouldn’t answer me, she’s learned not to throw out her thoughts like that because of the past, but I already know what I’m afraid of. I asked her more directly and she left it at, “maybe he did something that hurt you there” and she left it at “We don’t know and it’s ok not to know.”

I’m going to stop for a while so let’s call this part one, if anyone decided to read it that is. 🙂

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Alters, Art Therapy, bipolar disorder, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative fugue, dissociative identity disorder, Family Relationships, Incest, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatric medication, Psychiatry, PTSD, Rape, self-harm, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Rough session, possible new memory, can’t take much more at the moment

  1. Yeah, I had the same thoughts Tai, about why that area needed to be made better. I sure hope that’s not the case, but if it is, you’ll be okay. At times like this I tend to go back to some of Meredith’s words (which I have posted up on my wall): “I have already survived the real trauma and I can deal with the details because I know how the story ends”. You know you are safe now. Whatever happened back then, you made it through and you’re safe now.

    Take care,
    Dawn

    • tai0316 says:

      Hey Dawn,
      The thing about yesterday’s session, as I told my therapist, was that I’d had zero time to process anything before I saw her. I engaged in the behavior, saw the images, heard the words, then woke up the next day and ran errands with my husband because he took the day off. After the errands were done it was only about an hour before I had to leave for my session.My brain is not even working yet and I don’t know how today will be.

      Thank you for reminding me of those words 🙂

  2. Pandora says:

    I decided to read 🙂 I’m not sure what to say, mind you, but your post deserves more than silence.

    I’m so sorry this had to happen – any of it, from the abuse itself to the hideousness of flashbacks – but I applaud your bravery in being able to tell your therapist about this new memory, difficult as it was. I hope she’s able to help you process it in as speedy a fashion as possible.

    Sending lots of positive thoughts and virtual strength your way hun.

    P xxx

  3. castorgirl says:

    Hi tai,

    I’m so sorry…

    I’ve heard expressions such as this be used as a grooming technique, and to soothe a hurt. No matter what the cause, my heart breaks for that little girl who was crying. My heart breaks for you.

    Sending positive thoughts your way, with warm safe hugs if they are wanted,
    CG

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