I had my Super Bowl party on Sunday and I survived. Then things got bad.
I’m going to give a warning here because I don’t know what will or will not trigger some people. I’m not going to go into a lot of details (actually I don’t know what is considered ‘a lot”) but there is a phrase that I’m going to use that came with the possible memory and I don’t want it to upset anyone. Actually, I just got an idea, I’ll say the phrase here with the warning and that way, if it’s upsetting to anyone, you’ll know to skip the possible triggering part…*****phrase warning*****
****”kiss it to make it better” (in the sense of when a parent kisses a “boo boo” on their kid’s knee or something. If that triggers you, you may not want to read this, I’m not going to use it a lot but it came with this possible new memory******
*****possible memory/therapy session information follows******
Ok so this may be TMI but, after my party, which was hours of putting on a face for a large group of people including a bunch of kids, I was stressed and glad when everyone left. Unfortunately, this stress led to some compulsive sexual behavior (Ha! what’s new right?). But something weird happened. While I was engaged in this *cough cough* behavior and no, I’m not saying the M word right now :P, it was like an image was superimposed on top of what I was really seeing. I felt like I was seeing another person who was also me and also laying down but this other me was crying quietly or perhaps silently with her head turned to the right. There was a man “down there” and he was kissing me/her “there” and the words I heard in my head were something to the effect of, he was kissing it to make it better, like a parent kisses a boo boo on their child’s knee or elbow. That was it. When the image and words first occurred, I was immediately confused and I pushed it away but after a few moments it came back forcefully. At that point my M behavior took a predictable turn and my thoughts became bad. That was Sunday. The image and words have come back again and again and always together and when they appear I feel immediate and intense panic and nausea. I feel creepy and just plain weird. Now, in order to deal with this…whatever it is, I felt the need to ask my husband about some sexual interactions we’ve had so I could make sure I wasn’t confusing something from the more recent present with something from back then and he agreed with me that we had engaged in similar behavior. I’ll get back to that because I brought all this up in therapy which, thank goodness, was today. I told my therapist about all of it and I remembered to tell her that on Sunday, some of my alters got my attention and let me know that they needed to do collages so I let them. There were some young parts and most surprisingly James, my male young adult alter who I don’t know very well. He likes to be out of the limelight so I was surprised he wanted to communicate. They did their art and left. Kind of strange. Anyway, after giving my therapist all of the details, which by the way was excruciatingly humiliating (she takes everything so calmly), we started discussing what it all meant, if anything. She looked at the details of the intimacy between my husband and I and the details of what I saw and felt and came to the conclusion that because I experienced feeling memories etc. that included crying and words that my husband has never, ever said to me about “kissing it to make it better”, and just looking at the whole thing, she considers it a flashback. She said that it’s not unusual for sexual acts between couples to mimic something that happened in the past, it could be lots of things that would do that, but the context of when and how they happen can change how a person feels about those actions. I can explain that statement if someone needs me to. The problem was that deep inside, since it happened on Sunday, I was already feeling that it was a memory I just needed to talk to her. The reason this is so huge for me is that in the overlayed image when the words about ‘kissing it to make it better’ are heard in my head, my underwear is off. I have never, ever, had any memory about my underwear ever being off and for some reason this is freaking me out! It’s a weird thing to freak out about because I already accept that he put his ^%%$# in my mouth, but somehow this is different. And the big question is (and I asked my therapist this) what did he have to make feel better? Why did that area need to be kissed to make it better? What had happened???? She wouldn’t answer me, she’s learned not to throw out her thoughts like that because of the past, but I already know what I’m afraid of. I asked her more directly and she left it at, “maybe he did something that hurt you there” and she left it at “We don’t know and it’s ok not to know.”
I’m going to stop for a while so let’s call this part one, if anyone decided to read it that is. 🙂