Part 2 of whatever this is

Continuing from my last post, I decided to describe how therapy felt. We’re talking and I’m telling her about this image and the words and the feelings that came with it, and it’s like we’re talking about the weather, at least on my part. I’m making little jokes, smiling, brushing things off and acting like nothing is happening. But while I was doing this, I was aware of my own duality. Inside was a totally different story. What I presented outwardly was the complete opposite of how I really felt inside. Inside, I could feel the panic rising to epic proportions. I felt the need to scream hysterically and I felt absolutely insane. There was too much emotion inside. I actually told my therapist what was happening and she was glad. She said that whenever I’m aware that I’m presenting a different image to her than what I really feel inside I should tell her so we can talk about what’s going on.

I told her that I’ve felt this before when I found my grandmother’s dead body. When that happened, I was alone in the house with her body laying on the couch in our living room and I sat in the hallway that looked into the room. I had my back pressed against a door while I waited for an ambulance and I simply started screaming. I screamed and I don’t know how long how I screamed. It was like that yesterday. I felt that same scream building up and tears coming but I knew I wouldn’t do it while in her office. I did tell her what was happening and she tried to make sure that I wouldn’t fall apart while driving because I was hysterical. I told her that I had a flashback of my finding my grandmother once while I was driving and I started screaming, I was able to pull over and scream until it stopped. I was confident that I could do that again if I started screaming on the way home.

You what the worse part was? I didn’t scream. I didn’t cry. I just drove home. I didn’t want to go home because my husband was there and I needed, really needed to be alone. But, it was night and he would obviously worry if I didn’t come home. So, I had no choice. Nothing happened and today I haven’t even thought about it. I don’t know how to handle this information and it seems my brain is simply not going to think about it. So now I get to wait, wait until my brain decides to let it hit me over the head. Awesome.

Once again I am left with no outlet, nothing. I just see myself breaking into pieces inside but I’m whole outside and I feel nothing. This doesn’t feel right. Not only should I be feeling something, I want to but I can’t. I feel…wrong. Why can’t I scream when I want to?


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Alters, bipolar disorder, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative fugue, dissociative identity disorder, Family Relationships, Incest, Intimacy, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatric Drugs, Psychiatry, PTSD, Rape, self-harm, Sex, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Part 2 of whatever this is

  1. Freasha1964 says:

    Tai, I am SO glad that you are beginning to be able to tell your therapist that how you feel inside is the opposite of how you appear outside. This has to be a big step in the right direction. It is like if someone comes into the ER with an overdose and they tell the doctor they haven’t imbibed anything or can’t admit it. The doctor can’t help much if they don’t have information. This is very important information for your therapist in order to be able to help you. And continuing the ER analogy, I suspect that the patient isn’t going to want to admit they did this drug or that drug, but the doctor is trained to be neutral on morality. Their assignment is to fix the current problem. Same for your therapist.
    I am so sorry you have not been able to cry or scream in therapy. I have cried, but never screamed. Aside from the shame and that I don’t generally tend towards screaming, there was a little boutique clothing store downstairs, too. This is such personal stuff, isn’t it? We are so damn considerate, aren’t we?
    Obviously you made it home without having a meltdown in the car, or you didn’t tell us if you did.
    Anyway, as I have alluded to before, I think you have to trust your therapist in order to cry there. So many times the response to crying is to punish; to say “stop crying or I will give you something to cry about”. Trust me, your therapist is not going to do that. (Have you seen all the boxes of Kleenex they keep in therapy offices? It is their stock and trade… Therapists keep tissue companies in business.) Have you ever tried a mantra? Like “I trust my therapist enough to cry in her presence” over and over all week. I might be totally off the trail here, so if this doesn’t fit for you, just ignore it.
    And be patient with yourself. You have a lot of deep stuff to get through and it doesn’t happen over night.

  2. Lisa says:

    I want you to know that I’m thinking of you.

  3. Having a rough time too. Sorry I can’t write more, but I want you to know that I am still reading and I care.


    • tai0316 says:

      Sorry you’re having a rough time yourself. You’re in my thoughts too.

      Actually, I’m sorry that I haven’t responded the way I’d like to to everyone’s comments, I just can’t do it right now. But I have read them. Sorry 😦

  4. castorgirl says:

    Just wondering if you can’t scream, can you do any other physical action that will help release the tension – and possibly lead to tears or screams? For some reason hammering nails into a block of wood springs to mind, but I know that others punch pillows, throw ice into bath water to make a noise… anything for a positive physical outlet.

    It’s so good you’re feeling the emotions, even if you can’t express them yet. That is a huge healing step. Even better, you’re telling your therapist about it all… that’s excellent.

    Go gently on yourself and do what you can…
    Take care,

    • tai0316 says:

      I think I’ve been using Polyvore to make these collages that have broken glass overlapping the pictures, like someone hit the glass with something, that’s all I’ve got.

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