Continuing from my last post, I decided to describe how therapy felt. We’re talking and I’m telling her about this image and the words and the feelings that came with it, and it’s like we’re talking about the weather, at least on my part. I’m making little jokes, smiling, brushing things off and acting like nothing is happening. But while I was doing this, I was aware of my own duality. Inside was a totally different story. What I presented outwardly was the complete opposite of how I really felt inside. Inside, I could feel the panic rising to epic proportions. I felt the need to scream hysterically and I felt absolutely insane. There was too much emotion inside. I actually told my therapist what was happening and she was glad. She said that whenever I’m aware that I’m presenting a different image to her than what I really feel inside I should tell her so we can talk about what’s going on.
I told her that I’ve felt this before when I found my grandmother’s dead body. When that happened, I was alone in the house with her body laying on the couch in our living room and I sat in the hallway that looked into the room. I had my back pressed against a door while I waited for an ambulance and I simply started screaming. I screamed and I don’t know how long how I screamed. It was like that yesterday. I felt that same scream building up and tears coming but I knew I wouldn’t do it while in her office. I did tell her what was happening and she tried to make sure that I wouldn’t fall apart while driving because I was hysterical. I told her that I had a flashback of my finding my grandmother once while I was driving and I started screaming, I was able to pull over and scream until it stopped. I was confident that I could do that again if I started screaming on the way home.
You what the worse part was? I didn’t scream. I didn’t cry. I just drove home. I didn’t want to go home because my husband was there and I needed, really needed to be alone. But, it was night and he would obviously worry if I didn’t come home. So, I had no choice. Nothing happened and today I haven’t even thought about it. I don’t know how to handle this information and it seems my brain is simply not going to think about it. So now I get to wait, wait until my brain decides to let it hit me over the head. Awesome.
Once again I am left with no outlet, nothing. I just see myself breaking into pieces inside but I’m whole outside and I feel nothing. This doesn’t feel right. Not only should I be feeling something, I want to but I can’t. I feel…wrong. Why can’t I scream when I want to?