I wrote a couple of posts ago about having a “memory” or flashback or whatever. I’m having trouble accepting that what I saw is what happened. Not because it couldn’t have happened. It goes to the issue that my therapist explained when I told her about my confusion. It’s likely that at some point while being intimate with someone, they’re going to do something, maybe something small, may be something big, that can trigger you. That’s apparently common in her opinion. My confusion comes from the exactness of the similarities between what felt like a flashback and what I know my husband and I have done in the past. But, I have to admit that considering what my uncle did to me, what I saw would be child’s play (sorry for the phrasing). It has to be the underwear thing, it has to be. If my underwear was off then that changes what he did to me. I’ve always had the satisfaction that even if he put “something” in my mouth, he never touched me “there” directly. It was a big deal for me like it changed everything if my underwear stayed on. If what I felt and saw was real, the crying, the ‘kissing it to make it better’, my underwear being off? That changes the game for me. So, how can I differentiate between my own marital, intimate experiences, and the truth of what happened with my uncle in this instance? My therapist would say to go with what I felt when I had this “flashback”, what my body remembered. She’d say that the crying and the words are what makes it true. The fear and panic and nausea make it true. I don’t know. I’ve pushed the thoughts away when they’ve intruded and I’ve avoided them since my session on Monday. I’ve done this because I can’t tell if it’s true or not and my underwear being off and those words are a big deal, at least they are for me.
My therapist said to remember that when we first started talking about what happened with my uncle, there was always the assumption that other things had happened besides what I remembered. I quickly corrected her and told her, “There was an assumption for you, not for me”. I’ve fought from the beginning to never let an idea be planted in my head from anyone! If something got jogged loose in the process, fine, I’d deal with it, but my memories would be MINE and not from any other source. It’s the only way I can function. My therapist has been very careful since that first mistake to never suggest anything and I’m so grateful to her for that. But that leaves me on my own for this one. I don’t know what’s real and what isn’t. I need help because when I’m confused I get stuck like a video that can’t move forward and is frozen on one image. I’m not stuck on the images, it’s simply that the part of my brain that handles this abuse stuff is stuck and therefore can’t process which in turn messes with my daily life. *Sigh*