Having trouble accepting new “memory”

I wrote a couple of posts ago about having a “memory” or flashback or whatever. I’m having trouble accepting that what I saw is what happened. Not because it couldn’t have happened. It goes to the issue that my therapist explained when I told her about my confusion. It’s likely that at some point while being intimate with someone, they’re going to do something, maybe something small, may be something big, that can trigger you. That’s apparently common in her opinion. My confusion comes from the exactness of the similarities between what felt like a flashback and what I know my husband and I have done in the past. But, I have to admit that considering what my uncle did to me, what I saw would be child’s play (sorry for the phrasing). It has to be the underwear thing, it has to be. If my underwear was off then that changes what he did to me. I’ve always had the satisfaction that even if he put “something” in my mouth, he never touched me “there” directly. It was a big deal for me like it changed everything if my underwear stayed on. If what I felt and saw was real, the crying, the ‘kissing it to make it better’, my underwear being off? That changes the game for me. So, how can I differentiate between my own marital, intimate experiences, and the truth of what happened with my uncle in this instance? My therapist would say to go with what I felt when I had this “flashback”, what my body remembered. She’d say that the crying and the words are what makes it true. The fear and panic and nausea make it true. I don’t know. I’ve pushed the thoughts away when they’ve intruded and I’ve avoided them since my session on Monday. I’ve done this because I can’t tell if it’s true or not and my underwear being off and those words are a big deal, at least they are for me.

My therapist said to remember that when we first started talking about what happened with my uncle, there was always the assumption that other things had happened besides what I remembered. I quickly corrected her and told her, “There was an assumption for you, not for me”. I’ve fought from the beginning to never let an idea be planted in my head from anyone! If something got jogged loose in the process, fine, I’d deal with it, but my memories would be MINE and not from any other source. It’s the only way I can function. My therapist has been very careful since that first mistake to never suggest anything and I’m so grateful to her for that. But that leaves me on my own for this one. I don’t know what’s real and what isn’t. I need help because when I’m confused I get stuck like a video that can’t move forward and is frozen on one image. I’m not stuck on the images, it’s simply that the part of my brain that handles this abuse stuff is stuck and therefore can’t process which in turn messes with my daily life. *Sigh*


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Alters, bipolar disorder, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative fugue, dissociative identity disorder, Family Relationships, Incest, Intimacy, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatric medication, Psychiatry, PTSD, Rape, Sex, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to Having trouble accepting new “memory”

  1. meredith says:

    I think you’re splitting hairs to avoid working it out, tai. All the “… well if it was this…but then…” is just noise. It’s like clapping your hands over your ears and shouting with your eyes closed when you don’t want to hear something. And that’s pretty normal.

    Speaking of normal. When you give masturbation only two categories… NORMAL and PERVERSE… you have nowhere to go. You don’t feel normal. Try to stay with the broadness of that idea for a while. How can you possibly feel normal when you’re haunted by friendly rape? It’s the rape that wasn’t normal, tai.

    I’m really sorry about this crappy stuff.

    • tai0316 says:

      Leave it to you to be all logical and call me out meredith 😛

      The scary part is “working it out”. What does that mean? How do I do that? What if it’s too scary?

      • tai0316 says:

        I also want to send a huge, enourmous, hug out to the reader that sent me a private email. You know who you are and I love you.

      • meredith says:

        What if, what if, what if… what if you get it right and it feels good?

        Can you remember in, around third grade, when your permanent teeth started to grow in and they were wildly huge and not at all tame and orderly…. did you ever freak out because you were sure you were going to look that way for the rest of your life?

        Obviously, I did. The point is this: you’re freaked out because you now see your self in a different light. The light will change. More lights will come on. Your mind won’t let you remember more than it knows you can handle. It really won’t.

        Right now, masturbation looks seemy and you’ve got yourself in the picture with it. That’s enough. Maybe there’s another way to find your balance without swinging from one extreme to the other.

      • tai0316 says:

        Fear the lights huh? No I get you meredith, even though I’m sorry about the teeth thing that actually makes me feel bad for third grade meredith. You say the same thing that my therapist says about your brain nor giving more than the person can handle, but what if I can handle more than I think I can and I’m not ready?

  2. meredith says:

    I also want you to know that my heart just aches when I read your posts… and I tend to become harsh when I’m upset.

    I’m sorry to have been so harsh.

    • tai0316 says:

      You crazy, lovely, wonderful woman! I never see it as harsh, I see it as you caring about me. I need that type of feedback meredith, never stop doing that! 😀

      I love you, silly woman 😛
      Actually I’m sorry I upset you now that I think about it 😦

  3. castorgirl says:

    Hi tai,

    Stick with the emotional reaction… that’s not to say that my emotional reaction was that he did action “x”… but the emotional reaction that you were confused, betrayed and hurt. He did horrible, despicable things to you. There is no doubting that. What matters now, is how the system is trying to understand the emotional fallout from those events. A young girl knows pain, confusion and fear… she may not have looked at what was happening… she may not have the words to understand it or communicate it. What she has are the feelings… help her with those feelings.

    You see, I want to go up to that little girl, get down so that I can look into her eyes, and ask her how she is. Ask her what would help to make her feel less scared. To reassure her that it wasn’t her fault.

    I’d also like to give the adult tai whatever comforting thing you want – a weighted blanket, a stuffed toy, a video game, a book, a hug… anything.

    You all deserve that attention and care. You are worthy of that care and attention.

    Take care,

    • meredith says:

      Wow, CG… that was good. really, really good. You’ve such a tender heart.


    • tai0316 says:

      Wow CG, this is so sweet. You said what my therapist said about getting on eye-level with the child and talking to her. You guys are on the same vibe. I actually fear statements like that and I push them away because the last thing I want to do is see that child or talk to her. I find some of younger parts scary.

      You are so kind to me. 🙂

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