I’ve been considering what really motivates compulsive masturbation (tell me that’s not a title, ha!)

As the title of my posts states, I’ve been thinking about what motivates people to masturbate and I’ve been trying to figure out if there’s a difference between people who have been sexually abused and people who have not. I think the process as far as our thoughts must be different and after thinking about it a little, I belive that the motivation and what the person wants to accomplish is different too.

I’m guessing on this but, from what I’ve read and heard, a person normally masturbates to experience orgasm. Big guess there right? lol! Orgasm can accomplish several purposes though, one of them being to relieve stress. From what I know of what is considered “normal” sexual behavior, a person who masturbates indulges in sexual fantasy until they achieve orgasm. Pretty simple. Now, what about us, people who have been sexually abused and masturbate.

I can’t say that every person who’s been sexually abused as a child masturbates as an adult, but it seems to be common. The question I’m thinking about is: why? Why do we do it, what do we want to accomplish. At this point I’ll have to look at my own example to collect data.

I think that there was normal teenage hormones in play at some point in my life but, as I’ve started this process of memory and dealing with multiple personalities and all the complexities that come with being abused, I’ve had thoughts/memories of masturbating with my stuffed animals. obviously that was before my teenage hormones kicked in. When I think about the stuffed animal thing, I can’t remember if I was trying to reach orgasm, I honestly don’t remember. So, I have to look at me now as an adult. Why do I do it? Why is it a compulsion? Why does the need crawl over every part of my skin until I feel like I’ll go insane if I don’t act it out? What am I trying to accomplish? The reason for the last question is because, after thinking about it, I don’t think I’m trying to accomplish orgasm which to me makes me different from your average person.

I decided to look at my thoughts. What are my fantasies when I feel this need come over me on a daily basis, several times a day. Sorry if that’s TMI, I’m just thinking it through. I’m not going to go into detail about my fantasies, that’s not the point of this post, the point is figuring out the why’s and if I’m different from a “normal” (haha) person.

When I look at what I fantasize about, 99.9% of the time (hell, maybe 100%) I think about being forced, I think about incest, more than one person forcing me or using me and many times a combination of all of those factors. Are my fantasies different from a normal persons? With all of the pornography out there, it makes me wonder. I can find images or videos depicting those very acts (using actors) so that must mean that people have the same thoughts that I do. So, doesn’t that make me just a pervert like everyone else?

Moving on to what I feel I want to accomplish by the act. It’s not about the release necessarily, even though release is important. And I can admit that sometimes I use it when I feel overwhelmed by stress, emotions, or memories of him. When I think, really think about what that first draw is, what it is that first makes me want to do it, it’s always about wanting to see the images, wanting to see those things in my head, recreate them with my body. It’s not about orgasm at all. When things are very bad, I want to feel the trauma again, even if I haven’t accepted everything I’ve seen or felt as being a true memory, I want to feel violated, I want to feel used. I want to see him doing it and I want to hear his name and his voice. If my brain wants to use something else besides him as mental fuel (when things aren’t quite so bad inside) then I go to force, incest, etc. It’s about the thoughts and how they make me feel during and after.

Does that make me different from a normal person? Or am I one of millions of perverts who do the same thing?  As a woman, I feel different from the way I’m supposed to be when it comes to sex. I don’t mind being different in general, in fact I love it, but in this case…I don’t know if my experiences make me abnormal. I don’t like romance, I don’t like a bunch of “I love you’s”, I hate cuddling and HATE being held. That came up in therapy because my therapist asked me what my husband could do to help me when I feel all of that emotion inside and I can’t let it out. She said, ‘How about telling him you just need him to hold you?’ My eyes about fell out of my head and I immediately say, “Uh uh, no way!” Her reaction was comical because her eyes widened and she looked shocked, I almost laughed. I explained to her that I do not like being held and that it creeps me out. That made her feel sympathy for me and she said it was part of the innocence I had lost from being abused. Whatever. I still say it’s creepy. 🙂

I guess my point is, am I different from an average person or not? Maybe I’m just gross but I wonder because I’m not really in it for the “ending”. Orgasm is last on my mind. I want to be…traumatized. I want to feel used like a receptacle. I want to see myself being abused over and over. Sometimes I want to see him over my face smiling down at me.

So…what really motivates compulsive masturbation? At least for me? Perversion? Abuse? A combination of both? If it’s not about orgasm does that make me different and therefore less gross?

I have no idea what made me write this post and I didn’t think it out before I wrote it, I just started typing. Sorry if I grossed anyone out…


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Alters, bipolar disorder, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative fugue, dissociative identity disorder, Family Relationships, Incest, Intimacy, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatric medication, Psychiatry, PTSD, Rape, self-harm, Sex, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to I’ve been considering what really motivates compulsive masturbation (tell me that’s not a title, ha!)

  1. Freasha1964 says:

    Oh Tai,
    You dear person. You have a great head on your shoulders, and I really love the way you are thinking this all out.
    I think your therapist is right. You lost your innocence when the abuse started. No, your precious innocence was ripped from you, brutally, and it makes me want to cry. I so wish that I or SOMEONE could give it back to you somehow.
    Let me give you the (one) “normal” perspective. Note that I wasn’t sexually abused. My mother only died in a car crash that our whole family was in and last time I saw her she was lying on the ground unconscious, and oh, I was 10 years old. I have been finally –decades later- dealing with feelings of betrayal that she didn’t stick around and I must have been so very very bad for her to just split like that.
    OK, “normal”: The orgasm is the point of it. The fantasies are all having a man with me who cares deeply about me and I about him. (Now THAT is where the fantasy is a fantasy). The experience is like opening us both –me and the fantasy man- to the universe in an incredible and pleasurable way. And yes, I feel uncomfortable talking about it because of how I was raised.
    This is where I hope you can go to some day when you have healed enough.
    But, yes, the world is made of all kinds of people, so it is easy to find more of your type of experience in others, but I am certain that you are NOT a pervert.
    I hope this helps. I sure don’t wish to make it worse for you. Please tell me if this is not the feedback that you are looking for.

    • tai0316 says:

      I often wish I had the ability to travel through time Freasha but I always think of fixing what happened to other people. I would fix what happened to you to if I could. I found my grandmother’s dead body when she was 66 and I was 18 and it’s something you don’t get over. I’m so sorry you have those images burned in your memory. Your feedback is always welcomed. 🙂

      • Freasha1964 says:

        And I’d fix what happened to you… I’d be the grown up, and I would bust the door down, and grab him by the collar with one hand and call the police with the other, and make sure his ass wound up in prison where it belonged. Then I’d hold you in my lap until you felt safe enough to go on living.

        Come on let’s go! Haste – to the time machine!

        Really, it is very touching to know you feel that way; that you’d fix me and everyone else, too.

  2. castorgirl says:

    Hi tai,

    Based on what I’ve read and experienced, what you described is usual for someone who has experienced sexual trauma at an early age. There’s a different between the motivations of someone who is perverted, and someone who has been abused. The key one that I picked up on within your post, was that you wanted to be hurt, violated and to recreate the event. A pervert usually wants to inflict those feelings…

    So, as a totally unqualified person in the area of psychology, I’d say the motivations are different. I’d highly suggest you keep talking to your therapist about this… anything to help come to an understanding about why the motivation is there, and skills to help you cope with it.

    I totally get not liking being held or cuddled.

    Take care,

    • tai0316 says:

      Actually CG, I sometimes think that people who experience what we experience have more psychological knowledge than professionals. 🙂 I will keep trying to talk t her about it even though it feels hopeless.

  3. daylily2011 says:

    I read our annual report and looked around on your site so I hope you don’t mind that the “compulsive masturbation” thing interested me. I’ve been a follower of your blog but haven’t seen every post. I have a few thoughts and I wanted to share them, even so many months later.

    I was sexually abused as a child and I grew up sexualizing all of my male friendships. I thought I had some great power over guys because I could make them get hard in their pants. I could only see them as objects that I could arose. (This comment goes with another post of yours, I think). Just as you describe I would need to masturbate to release a build up of sexual thoughts about guys.

    I taught in a preschool many years ago when I was in my 20’s and at naptime a little 3 year old girl would get on top of her bear and rub vigorously. I felt bad that the other teachers avoided her and so I would rub her back as she self-soothed herself; I was trying to help her get to sleep just as I did for the other children. This child never fell asleep and I felt it wasn’t fair to just leave her alone. Even when nap was over and the lights went on and other children were getting up she would still be going at it. We would literally have to pick her up to disengage her from masturbating. Her hair would be soaking wet from perspiration and she would be exhausted from not having slept like the other children. I wonder if she was sexually abused? There were at least 5 teachers who observed her behavior but we had no reason to suspect sexual abuse. I’ve read that some girls discover the pleasure in masturbation before they hit puberty. Of course they never orgasm but the pleasurable feelings are there. The teachers and I thought that was what this girl was doing. I wish I was older and as mature as I am now. I would have definitely taken the mother aside and had a frank conversation about the girls behavior and her stress level at home. It makes me feel sad I didn’t do more and none of the teacher’s did. We were all young and naïve.

    I recall rubbing myself practically raw during my early teens when I didn’t know how to have an orgasm yet. It was a nervous action that (I think) was a way for me to release tension and anxiety around sexual abuse. It was not pleasurable it was more like I had to do it; as you say a compulsion. I didn’t want to get sore just like this little girl didn’t want to be sweaty and exhausted. Just like you don’t want to relive the abuse you suffered. You are not unusual in that you masturbate and as long as you don’t hurt yourself, I don’t think there’s any harm in your thoughts. I suspect you are trying to work out the issues with your past. I hope things are going better for you because I could see fantasizing about the abuser as being a negative flashback to the early trauma you suffered. I don’t wish you reliving that ever again. You are safe now. I send you compassion!


    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi Daylily,

      I actually had to go back and re-read that post. But it’s interesting because I was very surprised that compulsive masturbation was a topic people searched. It made me wonder if I should write another post about it.

      Reading your account of the little girl broke my heart as it did yours. Honestly, I think that teachers and educational workers aren’t really trained to know all the signs to look for. It would be great it there was more training out there since they see children almost more than the parents do.

      You’re right that research says that children can discovery sexuality at a young age, just through play or curiosity etc. But yes, the girl’s actions would still need to be looked at to make sure she was safe.

      Like you said, you and the other teachers didn’t know better and you tried to help in the only way you knew how. 🙂

      I think subjects like compulsive masturbation need to be talked about more openly in sexual abuse survivor communities. There’s so much shame…knowing that you’re not weird or alone is always good.

      Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts, come back anytime. 🙂

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