As the title of my posts states, I’ve been thinking about what motivates people to masturbate and I’ve been trying to figure out if there’s a difference between people who have been sexually abused and people who have not. I think the process as far as our thoughts must be different and after thinking about it a little, I belive that the motivation and what the person wants to accomplish is different too.
I’m guessing on this but, from what I’ve read and heard, a person normally masturbates to experience orgasm. Big guess there right? lol! Orgasm can accomplish several purposes though, one of them being to relieve stress. From what I know of what is considered “normal” sexual behavior, a person who masturbates indulges in sexual fantasy until they achieve orgasm. Pretty simple. Now, what about us, people who have been sexually abused and masturbate.
I can’t say that every person who’s been sexually abused as a child masturbates as an adult, but it seems to be common. The question I’m thinking about is: why? Why do we do it, what do we want to accomplish. At this point I’ll have to look at my own example to collect data.
I think that there was normal teenage hormones in play at some point in my life but, as I’ve started this process of memory and dealing with multiple personalities and all the complexities that come with being abused, I’ve had thoughts/memories of masturbating with my stuffed animals. obviously that was before my teenage hormones kicked in. When I think about the stuffed animal thing, I can’t remember if I was trying to reach orgasm, I honestly don’t remember. So, I have to look at me now as an adult. Why do I do it? Why is it a compulsion? Why does the need crawl over every part of my skin until I feel like I’ll go insane if I don’t act it out? What am I trying to accomplish? The reason for the last question is because, after thinking about it, I don’t think I’m trying to accomplish orgasm which to me makes me different from your average person.
I decided to look at my thoughts. What are my fantasies when I feel this need come over me on a daily basis, several times a day. Sorry if that’s TMI, I’m just thinking it through. I’m not going to go into detail about my fantasies, that’s not the point of this post, the point is figuring out the why’s and if I’m different from a “normal” (haha) person.
When I look at what I fantasize about, 99.9% of the time (hell, maybe 100%) I think about being forced, I think about incest, more than one person forcing me or using me and many times a combination of all of those factors. Are my fantasies different from a normal persons? With all of the pornography out there, it makes me wonder. I can find images or videos depicting those very acts (using actors) so that must mean that people have the same thoughts that I do. So, doesn’t that make me just a pervert like everyone else?
Moving on to what I feel I want to accomplish by the act. It’s not about the release necessarily, even though release is important. And I can admit that sometimes I use it when I feel overwhelmed by stress, emotions, or memories of him. When I think, really think about what that first draw is, what it is that first makes me want to do it, it’s always about wanting to see the images, wanting to see those things in my head, recreate them with my body. It’s not about orgasm at all. When things are very bad, I want to feel the trauma again, even if I haven’t accepted everything I’ve seen or felt as being a true memory, I want to feel violated, I want to feel used. I want to see him doing it and I want to hear his name and his voice. If my brain wants to use something else besides him as mental fuel (when things aren’t quite so bad inside) then I go to force, incest, etc. It’s about the thoughts and how they make me feel during and after.
Does that make me different from a normal person? Or am I one of millions of perverts who do the same thing? As a woman, I feel different from the way I’m supposed to be when it comes to sex. I don’t mind being different in general, in fact I love it, but in this case…I don’t know if my experiences make me abnormal. I don’t like romance, I don’t like a bunch of “I love you’s”, I hate cuddling and HATE being held. That came up in therapy because my therapist asked me what my husband could do to help me when I feel all of that emotion inside and I can’t let it out. She said, ‘How about telling him you just need him to hold you?’ My eyes about fell out of my head and I immediately say, “Uh uh, no way!” Her reaction was comical because her eyes widened and she looked shocked, I almost laughed. I explained to her that I do not like being held and that it creeps me out. That made her feel sympathy for me and she said it was part of the innocence I had lost from being abused. Whatever. I still say it’s creepy. 🙂
I guess my point is, am I different from an average person or not? Maybe I’m just gross but I wonder because I’m not really in it for the “ending”. Orgasm is last on my mind. I want to be…traumatized. I want to feel used like a receptacle. I want to see myself being abused over and over. Sometimes I want to see him over my face smiling down at me.
So…what really motivates compulsive masturbation? At least for me? Perversion? Abuse? A combination of both? If it’s not about orgasm does that make me different and therefore less gross?
I have no idea what made me write this post and I didn’t think it out before I wrote it, I just started typing. Sorry if I grossed anyone out…