I think I found out what was wrong…

Since I wrote the last post a lot has happened. After I finished writing it, I ended up curled up on my bathroom floor in the dark rocking back and forth. My husband came home and had no idea what I was doing poor guy. He even asked me a couple of grocery questions through the door and I answered him without him knowing that I was losing it. Talent huh? Anyway, as I was laying there losing it, feelings of fear started coming and I started using the words and techniques that my therapist taught me. I told myself and any parts that may have been having trouble that it was alright to be afraid, that there was a reason but that everything was ok now. I tried to figure out what part of my body was feeling the emotion, like was it in my stomach or my chest etc. I talked to my parts and asked who was feeling afraid. This was incredibly difficult to manage all at once while rocking back and forth in the fetal position. Then I saw an image. And I felt terror. The image stayed and repeated over and over with sounds. I won’t say what I saw but it was…bad, worse than anything I’ve seen in my “memories”. I almost completely lost it there in the dark. It took forever but I had to talk myself off the floor, and then onto my knees, focusing on feeling my breath going in and out of my lungs. I got to my knees and then breathed until I could stand up halfway. I kept breathing and talked myself into standing up all the way. I turned the bathroom light on and looked at myself in the mirror so I would know who I was. Then I straightened my bathroom counter. A very calm voice said, ‘This is what we are going to do. We are going to clean our desk in the office. We are going to go downstairs and we won’t let “B” (my husband) know that anything is wrong. We will grab the plastic bags so we can throw all of the trash in the desk away and this will help us focus.’ I got downstairs and got the bags but my husband asked me if I was alright which meant I had to speak and I hadn’t prepared for that. I said yes but I must not have fooled him. I went upstairs and we calmly opened the desk and started pulling things out. Then things got bad. Who thought that co-consciousness was a good thing!? Ha! My husband came upstairs and by then we were pulling things out of our desk at a tremendous speed and putting them into messy piles to the left, right and center of the floor. I noticed that I was talking to myself out loud. A small part of me, the Host, even knew that my husband had entered the room, but apparently pretending was no longer an option and hiding my fragmented state was impossible. I heard him speaking but I couldn’t reply. I know he said things like, ‘Are you alright? What’s wrong? Can you hear me’ etc. But I couldn’t speak to him because we were all having a conversation inside and outside. I know that out loud I/we were saying something to the effect of, “This stays, this goes, this stays, this goes, this stays, this goes…” but we were speaking it over and over without stopping and the whole time were pulling things out of the desk and organizing what would stay and what would go, stuffing trash in the plastic bags as we went. The piles were crazy but they were actually logical. I watched all of this from a tiny part of my mind that could see everything but do nothing. When my husband asked questions like, “Do you need to go to the hospital?” We were able to shake our head or mumble no. We heard him ask if I could talk to him and I screamed out loud a little. he became more and more alarmed but each time he asked if he needed to take us somewhere or to call our therapist we said no somehow and he believed us which was good. Now during all this we were still tearing the desk apart and repeating words. things get a little fuzzy here. There was some quiet screaming, quiet meaning not loud enough to alarm the neighbors. There was crying. At one point we were rocking back and forth. The whole time the husband kept trying to help, he put his hand on our back and said we were safe. He said something that I don’t remember right now and we realized she needed to come back to reality. She started to ground herself the way she was taught. She said words that said where she really was, she was at her house, she was in her office in her house, she was sitting on the floor of the office in her house, she could feel the carpet on the floor in the office in her house, she could see her hands on the carpet in the office in her house, she could feel her breath in her lungs. We went away a little bit so she could come back. Things were bad but her husband was there and he did the right things without knowing how which was interesting and weird. She told him she saw something but she didn’t say what, we’re not ready to talk about that right now and we’ll talk to our therapist on Monday. We don’t know where the image came from and we’re trying to trace it without upsetting her or the rest of us for that matter. It’s hard to accomplish both at the same time. She doubts the image as do we all or should I say most of us. Perhaps we doubt that which would be hardest to accept. However, a scenario has been presented and we must proceed using logical thought and integrating the techniques taught to us by her therapist. This will be difficult as many of us, despite our maturity, do not wish this image to be true. There is also confusion as to who brought this image forward and this causes problems. There are unknown variables here that make processing this data more complex. Perhaps her therapist can shed light on the matter, in fact, it may be the course of wisdom to wait until her therapy session is done so that we can analyze any thoughts or insights that come from a professional. Yes, this seems to be a satisfactory position for now. Thank you for listening and, as there has been a level of co-consciousness during this writing, there is no need to address any particular parts or alters in any replies that may be offered. Although she is distant at the moment, everything will be fine once we have gotten some sleep.

About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Alters, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative fugue, dissociative identity disorder, Family Relationships, Incest, Intimacy, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Psychiatric medication, Psychiatry, PTSD, Rape, Sex, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to I think I found out what was wrong…

  1. shame says:

    WOW! I’m sure you’re therapist will shed a lot of light on it. You went to hell and back. I’m so proud of you using the skills you’ve learned. Mine go out the window during a crises. I think this is huge. Now you need to take some time and self-nuture. Your husband seems like a great guy. You are an inspiration.


  2. castorgirl says:


    It sounds like some good collective work went into gently grounding… well done.

    Please call your therapist if you need help sooner than your next appointment.

    Sleep well and take care,

  3. Wow Tai … and I mean ALL of Tai … you are working together so well and I am so impressed. Obviously this is a really, really hard time right now. You have therapy on Mondays right? Not too long to wait now. I’m so sorry you’ve had this new awful memory / image come up. And at the same time, going by your title, it seems that it has answered some things for you. Your husband sounds very supportive and caring – could it be okay to share with him that you’re having memories and it’s really hard for you right now? I also love how you used the techniques your therapist has taught you. Well done Tai. You’re amazing!! Safe hugs (((Tai))). My thoughts are with you.


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