Something is VERY wrong…


I don’t know what’s going on but something is very, very wrong inside of me. I feel…wrong somehow. I can’t explain it. It started last night when my husband wanted to be intimate, ok no problem. We weren’t even doing anything yet when I started to go away. This hasn’t happened before at least not like this. He’s very gentle and totally all about pleasing me so I have nothing to complain about. I tried to pull myself together and I kept telling myself, “Stay present, stay with the moment, feel where you are and focus on what’s happening right now.” It would work for a moment and then I would start to go away again. As things progressed it got worse and worse. I couldn’t stay present but it also felt like I was there but I was revolted. He wasn’t doing anything wrong. What got me the most was when he would kiss my cheek or my neck. I wanted to throw up. That has never happened. I’m not big into kissing but I’ve always gone along and been fine with it because he’s very affectionate. This time, when he would kiss me I would push his head away but try to play it off as casual. I found myself looking up at the ceiling and then kind of back towards our headboard and I was just laying there and it felt like bits and pieces of me were literally dying inside. I just laid there and died piece by piece. Finally I got so bad that I had to just stop. He thought that I meant that I needed him to do something else and I finally said ” I don’t want to” and I actually pushed him away from me. That has NEVER happened before. He of course stopped and he asked me if I was okay. I lied and said I was, but I was so not okay. I eventually managed to get through it by changing our positions so that I was on top and I had to think bad thoughts (sorry if that was TMI) but something was wrong inside me. Afterwards I faked through a conversation and being nice when all I wanted to do was be alone because I knew something was wrong but I didn’t know what it was. he tried to get me to talk to him about it but I wouldn’t or couldn’t. The feeling got worse and worse and it’s much worse today. Something is very wrong but I don’t  know what it is and it’s freaking me out! I feel panic but I feel like I want to weep, not just cry, weep. But I feel completely confused at the same time and I just want to go somewhere and scream and scream. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. The thing is nothing changed between any other day and last night. I actually brought up having sex on Friday night but his stomach hurt so we laughed it off and he in turn brought it up last night which would be normal since Friday didn’t work out. So what happened? I was obviously up for it and then what? Within 24 hours I went insane? I tried to play it off because I don’t want this stuff to taint any parts of our life or our relationship that it doesn’t have to but I was fronting the whole time.

I feel like I’m falling apart and it reality I am falling apart inside, even now as I write this. Something is really wrong but I don’t know what to do because I don’t know what it is. I’m sitting here feeling nauseous and rocking back and forth and I don’t know what’s wrong!

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative fugue, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Intimacy, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatry, PTSD, Rape, Sex, Sexual Abuse, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Something is VERY wrong…

  1. shame says:

    I’m going to try and take a stab at this. I’m probably way off, but here it goes. Is it possible when you and your husband are doing foreplay, you’re “going away” because your perp used to “groom you,” and for whatever reason that’s why it’s happening. Perps are experts at it. I hope I’m making some sense. You mentioned your husband being gentle and caring, sometimes we have a trigger that pushes us over the deep end and then the same trigger doesn’t phase us. Maybe your husband has somehow triggered you. I’m sure someone else will have a different take on this, but wanted to see if this made any sense to you.

    Don’t forget to breathe! I’m sure it must be terrifying.

    Hope it gets better.

    jo

    • tai0316 says:

      jo Hey!
      Actually you followed a line of thought that occurred to me a little while ago and I think you hit something there. Since I wrote this post I have found out what was wrong with me and I will write about it in a few minutes I think. Thank you SO much for talking to me when I know you’re having a rough time yourself.

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