There are certain things you cannot ignore. I can try to shove an image away and it may persist despite my efforts. One thing I’ve learned in my interactions with people further along in their healing process than me and also from my therapist and articles, and my own experience, is that you can’t ignore somatic memory, body memories. It’s also hard to ignore a feeling memory that flings you to the ground and makes you curl up in the fetal position trembling like an idiot. The events of the last few days, starting I believe on Friday, have been…significant. A good thing that came out of it was that my freak out in front of my husband and his brief experience seeing my system go haywire has made me see that I can trust him. That means that my house is now safe place. It wasn’t before, if he was home, because I felt that I had to hide what was going on with me. I didn’t talk about abuse issues and I kept everything balled up in my chest. At least now, he’s seen the bowl of crazy that comes with this baggage and he stuck around. Not only that, he did a super job handling the situation. The problem is what comes after, what comes with the information/images/feelings I’ve experienced.
While I was balled up on my bathroom floor in the dark. I felt fear and panic. I felt younger parts feeling confused. I felt the fear and panic settle like heavy rocks in my stomach, in my chest, in my throat. An image flashed in my mind.
*****brief description of what I saw. A few words.*****
I saw a penis with blood on it from the point of view of someone sitting up with the man sitting in front of them. The person seeing it was closer to the floor height-wise than an adult. I saw no face. When I was balled up seeing this, I felt vaginal pain.
So now what? This was a big enough deal and shock to my system that I had to schedule a second session for this week which I’ve never done. I’m trying to look at things logically but be open-minded at the same time. It’s difficult. My somatic memory was strong, my feelings were strong and I did not want to believe something like this happened to me. So do I believe it or not. To be or not to be? Ha! What to believe, how to feel, all questions.
How can things have gone from one lifelong memory of a kiss between the legs to this? It doesn’t seem possible. I brought up many female issues that I’ve had in the past and told my therapist. I talked about not being able to open my legs during my first gynecologist visit. I told her about the vaginismus. we talked about what is considered “normal” for women and what isn’t. My therapist would simply say nothing much of the time while I thought things out, she didn’t want to lead me anywhere, just let me think. We’ll see how the second session goes on Thursday.