Memory and ramifications *I saw only one thing which I will say but I wanted to warn. That should be the only bad part and I’ll mark it beforehand and when the part is over*

There are certain things you cannot ignore. I can try to shove an image away and it may persist despite my efforts. One thing I’ve learned in my interactions with people further along in their healing process than me and also from my therapist and articles, and my own experience, is that you can’t ignore somatic memory, body memories. It’s also hard to ignore a feeling memory that flings you to the ground and makes you curl up in the fetal position trembling like an idiot. The events of the last few days, starting I believe on Friday, have been…significant. A good thing that came out of it was that my freak out in front of my husband and his brief experience seeing my system go haywire has made me see that I can trust him. That means that my house is now safe place. It wasn’t before, if he was home, because I felt that I had to hide what was going on with me. I didn’t talk about abuse issues and I kept everything balled up in my chest. At least now, he’s seen the bowl of crazy that comes with this baggage and he stuck around. Not only that, he did a super job handling the situation. The problem is what comes after, what comes with the information/images/feelings I’ve experienced.

While I was balled up on my bathroom floor in the dark. I felt fear and panic. I felt younger parts feeling confused. I felt the fear and panic settle like heavy rocks in my stomach, in my chest, in my throat. An image flashed in my mind.

*****brief description of what I saw. A few words.*****

I saw a penis with blood on it from the point of view of someone sitting up with the man sitting in front of them. The person seeing it was closer to the floor height-wise than an adult. I saw no face. When I was balled up seeing this, I felt vaginal pain.

****Description over****

So now what? This was a big enough deal and shock to my system that I had to schedule a second session for this week which I’ve never done. I’m trying to look at things logically but be open-minded at the same time. It’s difficult. My somatic memory was strong, my feelings were strong and I did not want to believe something like this happened to me. So do I believe it or not. To be or not to be? Ha! What to believe, how to feel, all questions.

How can things have gone from one lifelong memory of a kiss between the legs to this? It doesn’t seem possible. I brought up many female issues that I’ve had in the past and told my therapist. I talked about not being able to open my legs during my first gynecologist visit. I told her about the vaginismus. we talked about what is considered “normal” for women and what isn’t. My therapist would simply say nothing much of the time while I thought things out, she didn’t want to lead me anywhere, just let me think. We’ll see how the second session goes on Thursday.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Alters, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative fugue, dissociative identity disorder, Family Relationships, Incest, Intimacy, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatric medication, Psychiatry, PTSD, Rape, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Memory and ramifications *I saw only one thing which I will say but I wanted to warn. That should be the only bad part and I’ll mark it beforehand and when the part is over*

  1. Pandora says:

    Gah, it’s so difficult. I’m really struggling with similar stuff at the minute – I really should write about it.

    If this happened to me, I’d be doubting myself and throwing accusations at myself of False Memory Syndrome and Munchhausen Syndrome etc etc etc. Because I’m seeing your case from the outside, however, I can consider it much more objectively and logically.

    A few things strike me. One – why would your mind create such a thing in the first place? It’s not just something that pops into a person’s head without reason, or at least I can’t imagine that it would be. Secondly, you felt a somatic reaction to the image – if it had just randomly popped into your mind, why would your body have reacted in the way it did? Thirdly, and I could be wrong on this so please say if that’s the case, I understand that DID almost always develops as the result of extreme and sustained trauma. A kiss between the legs is self-evidently vile and reprehensible, but could it have caused you to dissociate as strongly as you have?

    So, in my characteristic long-winded fashion, I suppose I’m saying that it seems more like a memory, a flashback, than just some random thought. Of course I’m not a therapist or psychiatrist, but that’s my take anyway.

    This comment sounds pretty clinical, which I suppose isn’t unknown for me. But I also wanted to add that this is a horrific image, and that no one should have to live through something like that. To have to live through it all again later, especially when it isn’t expected, is doubly tough. You’re very much in my thoughts and I’m metaphorically standing with you as you go through this horrible time.

    Gentle hugs, if that is OK.

    Take care

    Pan xxxxx

    • tai0316 says:

      Thanks Pan 🙂
      It’s funny how we can see things differently for other people than we can for ourselves isn’t it. The reason you gave are exactly what I struggle with. You’re right about DID as far as why it happens, I’m not sure how sustained it has to be, like if something horrifying happened once would that be enough etc. but I’ve often had that same thought that you did, which is that a kiss like that wouldn’t be enough to do that kind of damage. Of course I also have alters based on being physically abused by my mother so who knows 🙂

      Thank you for your support.

  2. castorgirl says:

    Hi tai,

    I’m really glad that you’re feeling safer in your house – that’s SO important! It means that you can create a safe haven for yourself in the physical world, as well as internally.

    I’m so sorry for what you’re going through at the moment. Having another session sounds like a really good idea, and a good way to take care of yourself as you work through the reactions you’re having.

    Take care,

  3. shame says:

    It’s much easier to go into the denial. I’ve done it many times. Then my therapist has to take an hour asking me why this, why does that happen, why, why, why. Then I have to bring myself back to reality. Yes, it did happen. I still wonder if I just have a wild imagination. But who the hell can make up these kinds of memories?

    Sometimes it feels like I’ve taken ten steps back for every step I’ve taken forwards. So, hang in there.


  4. meredith says:

    Great post, tai. Very articulate, relevant, and revealing. It takes a long time to trust that your mate can actually handle the YOU that you are.

    Homemade Valentine Cards were my departure into panic, this year. Every card I made looked… goth. I freaked out. I decided to use fingernail polish for the script… and it dried on the page looking like blood stains. But you know what? JJ loved it. She thought it was edgy, artistic… and she meant it. She briefly asked how things were going with Nessa, and I shook my head, shrugged, and said, “see for yourself. I guess all of me needs for you to know ‘We are I’ loves you.” She swept me into a warm hug and said something wonderful about who I am to her. It was neat.

    So, now I have a safe house, too. Thought I’d share the story here so that others who read your post know that we sometimes don’t give our significant others credit for recognizing the struggle.

    All the best,

  5. roseroars says:

    Kudos on hubby!

    Maybe the part that holds that memory felt safe enough to show you. That’s a good thing, even though it hurts, makes you question, and throws you for a loop. What if you say thank you to that part? That may help a little.


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