I’m awake today but I feel like there has been a shift in my being or maybe in my reality. I look at people or hear them talking but it’s like observing a culture from the outside. Even when I interact them, I’m pretending to be one of them. I don’t feel human anymore. I’m outside of that species. I walk amongst them, I talk to them, I pretend to be one of them, but I’m not. I’m walking meat. That’s all. How many days have I sat blogging and been unable to feel my arms as I type. My body is parceled out, in pieces. I feel like I’m nothing. Every word that comes out of someone’s mouth, proves that they’re better than me. They give something to the world, they try to make a contribution. I’m flesh that walks around on a good day. On a bad day I’m flesh that sits.
Is there something making me feel this way? Sort of. I’m listening to people talk about doing positive things, using their energies to help others, making sacrifices to help others in need and as I listen I realize how useless I am. I contribute nothing. I can’t even clean my house or cook. My husband cleans without complaining which almost makes it worse because he does it without hesitation because it’s obvious I’m not going to do it.
Maybe there’s more to it. In the part of that book that I did read, the man described that his victims weren’t people to him, they were things. Maybe that’s what my uncle saw when he looked at me, a thing. Now, that’s how I feel. People who know me, expect me to be entertaining and witty, but I’m still flesh, just entertaining flesh. Obviously when I was little and I was supposed to be innocent and like other children, I was already flesh. It’s more like I’m just now seeing myself as I am, as I’ve always been. I thought I was strong, I wasn’t. I thought I was a virgin, I wasn’t. I thought I was clean, I wasn’t. I thought I was human, but I’m not. I’m…something else. I give up, I can’t change the past, I can’t change what I am now. I’m an illusion. I walk and talk like them but I’m not. I want to leave. I want to go somewhere isolated, away from people and be, not human. Is there a vacation spot that offers that?