Feeling non-human


 

I’m awake today but I feel like there has been a shift in my being or maybe in my reality. I look at people or hear them talking but it’s like observing a culture from the outside. Even when I interact them, I’m pretending to be one of them. I don’t feel human anymore. I’m outside of that species. I walk amongst them, I talk to them, I pretend to be one of them, but I’m not. I’m walking meat. That’s all. How many days have I sat blogging and been unable to feel my arms as I type. My body is parceled out, in pieces. I feel like I’m nothing. Every word that comes out of someone’s mouth, proves that they’re better than me. They give something to the world, they try to make a contribution. I’m flesh that walks around on a good day. On a bad day I’m flesh that sits.

Is there something making me feel this way? Sort of. I’m listening to people talk about doing positive things, using their energies to help others, making sacrifices to help others in need and as I listen I realize how useless I am. I contribute nothing. I can’t even clean my house or cook. My husband cleans without complaining which almost makes it worse because he does it without hesitation because it’s obvious I’m not going to do it.

Maybe there’s more to it. In the part of that book that I did read, the man described that his victims weren’t people to him, they were things. Maybe that’s what my uncle saw when he looked at me, a thing. Now, that’s how I feel. People who know me, expect me to be entertaining and witty, but I’m still flesh, just entertaining flesh. Obviously when I was little and I was supposed to be innocent and like other children, I was already flesh. It’s more like I’m just now seeing myself as I am, as I’ve always been. I thought I was strong, I wasn’t. I thought I was a virgin, I wasn’t. I thought I was clean, I wasn’t. I thought I was human, but I’m not. I’m…something else. I give up, I can’t change the past, I can’t change what I am now. I’m an illusion. I walk and talk like them but I’m not. I want to leave. I want to go somewhere isolated, away from people and be, not human. Is there a vacation spot that offers that?

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in dissociative identity disorder. Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Feeling non-human

  1. L says:

    Hey there,
    Hmm, I have a vague recollection of feeling as you describe. Someone said it was depersonalisation or derealisation – never had time to check those terms out.
    I was wondering something, have you ever considered your meds might be giving off some kind of side effects? When I was on a stack of them, they were doing all kinds of stuff to me! Maybe a daily diary of what you do, think and swallow? I must admit too that you are blogging about this “stuff” every day of your life so it seems. Have you ever tried to think about normal stuff like hobbies etc? If I looked at my sh*t every day I reckon I’d be down in the dumps non stop. I work to improve my bad traits from childhood but I don’t look at “it” every day – only when I can. Today for example I came home and I have to do some step work and I thought frigging hell, I want to forget I even have to do that stuff today….can’t I just do something “normal”. Sometimes I take a break from my “diggings” and just have a bit of fun for a few days or a week even. Call it living in denial I guess 🙂 BUT I must go back to it when I am able. To stuff it under the rug forever is doing the denial thing big time.
    I reckon you are lucky to have a hubby that just does stuff that needs doing….send him my way when he’s done with your dishes won’t ya 😉
    Take care,
    L

    • tai0316 says:

      Hey L 🙂
      I’m sure there some dissociation involved there. I don’t think my meds have anything to do with it. All of my meds but one, I have been taking for years and I know what they do. My newest one has been helping the general, random panic I was feeling during the day. This is about dealing with memories and the feelings that come with them. As much as I wish I could do something else like a hobby instead of thinking about this “stuff” it’s not quite like that. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of times when I experience intrusive thoughts. They may come with images or words etc. and I push them away because I just don’t feel like dealing with it at that moment or that day. If that works then that’s great, but I also can’t push them away all of the time and as you said, “I must go back to it when I’m able”. Sometimes the abuse stuff pushes to the forefront whether I want it to or not and sometimes it refuses to let me push it away. Sometimes I’m in what I will call a “good place” which in this context means that I’m ready to look into something and I can handle it.

      This book thing just added to what I was already feeling and I learned from the experience. I think it’s great that you can sometimes get a week in without “digging” 🙂 Maybe I’ll get there one day. And I’m trying to find a hobby that will also let me express emotion so maybe that will help.

      As for the cleaning, I’ll ask him to fly around helping my buddies out but I have a feeling he won’t go for it lol!

  2. castorgirl says:

    I call this “passing for human”. Some days I can do it well, some days I fail pretty badly at it. It can be a mix of depersonalisation and derealisation, or just being dissociated from reality. It’s usually a sign your system is feeling overwhelmed. Please take gentle soothing care of yourself, anything to try and ease things internally and try to make connections again.

    Take care,
    CG

    • tai0316 says:

      I always forget to connect dissociation or my “system” to what may be happening. I forget sometimes that I have these issues and I have to figure that in. Thank you CG.

  3. L says:

    Hey again, I was thinking after I write about your meds and you taking a few days off from your “stuff” that that was a bit silly of me to say. Sometimes I forget what others are dealing with and just think about what I do – thinking I’m right. You would have a lot more “stuff” than me I reckon so my comment above is stupid and thoughtless me thinks…
    If you are going thru BPD and such Hugh anxiety issues that make you feel numb/disconnected etc – that’s a bit hard to ignore! I have felt numb for 3 weeks now and hate it – minimal emotion. No fun or excitement in me. I do know that some of the anti p’s I used to take would numb me out like a zombie but this is different, this was triggered by a difficult event I experienced recently.
    What do u think about when u don’t think about your “stuff” by the way? You know, I never had a hobby for years and I know a lot of pple with MI issues don’t – understandably too because our stuff consumes our every waking moment and we fight against a lot of side effects. Anyway, I’ll stop my novel now 😀 BTW, if ur on Facebook, I am, love to connect there with u, u can search using my email address or just email me direct and I’ll share my deets with u :). Have a nice weekend.
    L

    • tai0316 says:

      Hey L,
      Don’t worry about anything you said. 🙂 We all have “stuff” and we handle it differently. You’re right that meds can make you feel like a zombie and you can see from your own personal experience that events etc. can trigger those feelings too. As for what I think about when not thinking about all that “stuff”, sometimes it’s me pushing the thoughts away, forcing them to go away if that’s possible which it isn’t sometimes. To avoid those thoughts, I typically fall back on what I’ve done since I was little, which is retreating into a fantasy life. It’s like a mixture of dissociation and a cross between make-believe and multiple personalities. I can’t really explain it. I fantasize A LOT to get away. On a good day, I may be able leave the house, so I’ll go to my favorite bookstore. I love to read so that helps too. When the mood hits me, I knit. I also play video games. I visit with people who need support, stuff like that. Those are in good times. I don’t know, we all cope the best way that we can right? man this reply response ended up being longer than I thought lol! My Facebook page is my real identity, which I don’t use here. I actually keep that very, very seperate for safety reasons etc. I was considering doing a “mental” Facebook page so I can connect with others that way, but it hasn’t felt right yet. If I ever decide to go that route, I’ll definitely let you know. 🙂

    • tai0316 says:

      Hey L, did your website address change? i clicked on the link but the site didn’t look quite right. Is it just me? 🙂

  4. L says:

    Hey, nope, all looks good, gave me a semi heart attack then!

    • tai0316 says:

      Sorry 🙂 I clicked on your link from my phone and for some reason the “wordpress” part of the address didn’t happen and it took me to some random site with a picture of a bicycle lol!

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