Even though I didn’t finish reading “Conversations With A Pedophile. In The Interest Of Our Children”, I am aware today that there were serious repercussions for me. I read enough of that monster’s “insights” and his process of choosing victims and his strategy of grooming them, that I feel like part of my personal foundation has been cracked or seriously damaged. I know it’s my fault, believe I know.
I had therapy today and I read my five stupid “things I like about myself” like I was supposed to. I then told my therapist about what happened a few days ago (https://bipolardid.wordpress.com/2011/02/19/dangerous-researchi-read-something-i-shouldnt-have-and-now-ive-died-inside-a-little-more/). I told her more details about the book and I told her that I engaged in compulsive behavior with the doll as the target and then I tried to strangle her. I think that concerned my therapist, the strangling part I mean. I actually made a point of bring the doll into therapy so she could see it. Maybe I thought that she would she how evil that doll is. She knows though that I see myself as a child in that doll. She held the doll and really studied her and she said that the doll looks innocent like she trusts the world and that trust is about to be taken from her. She saw nothing bad about the doll. How disappointing. I told her that even as I watched her hold the doll, I wanted to kill it, badly. Again she seemed concerned. I told her that I think the doll is evil and all I want to do is kill it. She of course doesn’t want me to hurt the doll because the doll is basically me as a child. She said that there will come a point when I will be able to bring the child part (represented by the doll) together with my adult part and I’ll be able to see the child the way I should. Compassion, you know? I can’t see it.
We spent most of the session discussing the ramifications of what I read in that book. I told her that the man who did those horrible things was like a master strategist, I’ve literally never seen anything like it. She made a point of saying how can a child defend themselves against someone who’s a thousand steps ahead of them already. I agreed but again these rules do not apply to me. I told her that reading about this man’s process in choosing his victims made me realize that I was weak. she of course objected. She asked me if “weak” was the word that the pedophile used. I said no, he mostly referred to being able to manipulate and make the kids feel defeated. She pointed out that “weak” was my word and that I would never describe another victim as weak. That is of course true because I know that victims of sexual abuse are not weak, they were targeted by monsters. But, we’re living in my world and in my world, what happened to me happened because I was weak. I told her that reading this man’s words made me realize that I had a character flaw that obviously radiated from me that my abuser was able to home in on. He knew that I was weak. That changes the foundation of who I thought I was. My therapist of course made arguments opposing my view. She said that he would have been drawn to my innocence, it was about power for him and taking into account that he had easy access to me and there wasn’t a strong parental presence to protect me, he would definitely have been drawn to me. In my culture (african-american) and the area I’m from (the Deep South), back then we were taught to respect our elders and to be obedient. He would have known that and he would have used that to get me to stay silent and to submit. I understand that. I hear her. It makes no difference. For me, reading the thoughts of a practiced pedophile changed me. This guy was able to look at kids, study them, and tell who he could abuse and who he couldn’t. Do I blame his victims? Hell no! If I could, I would hurt him the way he hurt them. They never had a chance against a monster like that. But, we’re in my world. That means that my uncle saw something in me, a weakness, a fault, that told him I would take whatever he did and I wouldn’t tell. That makes me a horrible, weak, person. I hate that little girl so much. That also means that the same character flaw that drew him, that same weakness, still dwells in me. That changes who I thought I was too.
My therapist wants to help me bring that “little girl”/doll together with my adult part and she doesn’t want me to lose the part of the little girl who was happy and played. Her suggestion? She asked me if there was a place in my house that I could put the doll, somewhere where she wouldn’t antagonize me so-to-speak, but she would be in my space still. I told her that I have a place where my younger parts keep their crayons and coloring books, teddy bears etc. I told her that I see that place all the time and I could put the doll over there somewhere. She thought that was great. She also said that just as my adult part feels negative about this “little girl”, the “little girl” feels wary of me too because she knows she’s not safe with me since I want to “kill” her. She said that the “little girl” also needs to be shown that she’s safe with me which my therapist acknowledged is not true at the moment. So, I have placed the doll with my younger part’s stuff. when I walk in that room, I can see her feet and part of the top of her head but not her face, thank goodness. My therapist suggested that because of my feeling towards the “little girl”/doll, I should have some kind of mantra telling her that I’m not going to hurt her or “kill” her and that I accept her in my space. New homework.
I felt that “presence” on the way home again, the one that feels so much hate towards that girl and in truth for the rest of “us” too. This part (?), presence, whatever, seemed displeased that they did not get to express this hatred during therapy. I’m not sure what to do because I don’t know what I’m dealing with. A part? Yes? No? I have no idea.