I had therapy today and we covered several things and I want to share a little today and if anyone has thoughts feel free to share them. I was talking to my therapist about the “presence” of hate that seems to come over me after I leave her office. I told her that after our last two sessions, as I’ve driven home, I start to dissociate and I feel what I call “Hate” settle in and they drive my car. She asked if I was safe when that happens and I assured her that I could sense control during those times, it just felt like an emotion took my place in the driver seat of my car and pushed me aside. She wanted to talk about where the hate was directed. She thought it was towards my mother and my uncle but I corrected her and said it was directed at me. She understood as we’ve been talking about the significance of the doll and my lack of compassion for the younger me who was abused. She wanted to dig deeper into when I first recall hating myself and why I felt that way. I said I could point to six years old as an age that I’m sure I already hated myself. We talked about what I would have already gone through by that point in my life, the things my uncle would have said to me to make me feel guilt and shame etc. and of course my ever-loving mother adding her two-cents worth. Logically I understood what she was saying but again I told her that the rules don’t apply to me. She tried the standard: if a child came in here and said she hated herself what would I do or say to that child. I answered, but I said that those rules don’t apply to me. I told her that I’ve had good reasons my whole life to hate myself and that I was able to find those reasons on my own without outside influences from an abusive adult. She made the point that what we are told while being in an extremely traumatic state makes a very big impact on us, especially kids, so while I may not have consciously known why I hated myself back then, I had already been taught to feel that way through trauma. I’m not stating things word for word just recapping. Anyway, so the title of my post mentions that painful emotions are gifts. She’s said this to me before and she repeated it again. She likes to appeal to my constant need for information. She’s crafty like that. 🙂 She said that the emotions I feel, like hate, which were too much for a child being abused to tolerate, are actually gifts. Why? Because I’m trying to connect with that ‘child”, with what happened, and these emotions tell me how I felt back then. It’s information that I lacked before. If I feel such hate after we talk about the sexual abuse, that hate, even self-directed, came from somewhere, from what happened. She said that normal kids don’t hate themselves and I actually said, “Really?” like that was news to me, which it was. She has said that all of the emotions I feel, sadness, fear, hate etc. they came from somewhere and each one gives me information that I didn’t have. Each one tells me how that little girl felt, and I if can understand those feelings and where they came from, I can heal. Therefore, those feelings are a gift.
She wants me to write about the hate when I feel it but she made a point of saying that I’m not allowed to harm any person, plant, animal or mineral, meaning myself or the doll. I guess she must think the doll qualifies as a mineral lol! I frowned at her for making sure she mentioned not hurting the doll. She’s good. Anyway, I may come back to this subject or I may write about the process of trying to understand this hate. We’ll see.