I lost my music. Realizing a loss that I didn’t really understand until now.


So the way this happened will sound weird but, I was watching a recording of Doctor Who At The Proms. Yes, Doctor Who, I love it, deal with it lol. 😛 Anyway it was a concert that they did in the U.K. last year and it was orchestral music from the show played by a symphony orchestra. Stringed instruments have always touched me on a very deep level and the moment I hear an orchestra my ears tune right into the stringed instruments. Well, I was watching this concert and something hit me rather painfully. I’ve lost my music. I’ll explain it.

Some time ago, my therapist and I were talking about alternative coping techniques or things that I could do when I felt the need to release tension or to just do something with my energy or anxiety etc. She asked me if I played an instrument and whenever someone asks me that I get sad and wistful because when I was little, in elementary school I played the viola. I loved it! I mean I really loved it. It felt like I was meant to play that instrument, at least that’s how I felt as a kid. I had never had music lessons or been introduced to instruments before then. My school had music class of course and that’s when I first held a viola and our teacher taught us to play classical music. I loved the viola because it wasn’t a violin. Everyone knows a violin but not everyone had heard of a viola (at least in my group of acquaintances). It wasn’t as delicate as a violin either, and I found it fascinating and new. I loved putting rosin on my bow, I loved the wood, I loved using my pitch pipe, I loved feeling the tension of the strings, I loved the look and feel of the bow and I loved the sound that came from that instrument. Just writing this makes me want to cry for some reason. Anyway, I only got to play the viola that one school year because of my mother who was physically abusive and liked to leave me home at night in the dark while she went out. Every year, every, single, stinking year, my mother would put me in a different elementary school. Every year. I have class pictures and every one of them is taken in a different school each year, you can see the school names on the signs in each picture. I don’t know why she did that. What’s amazing is that we lived in a city that wasn’t all that big but somehow she managed to find a new school each year. I never got to play the viola again, I had to give it back to the school because you’re only borrowing it during the year. It’s funny because even though my mom put me in a different school each year, I remember that at one point, my tests scores made someone approach my mother because they wanted to put me in the gifted and talented school. She said no. I never found out why. I remember being so excited that I would get to have a neat experience in a special school and that someone thought I was smart, and then poof, she wouldn’t let me. Why was putting me in and out of schools alright but letting me go to the gifted school was not alright? Anyway I digress.

Watching that orchestra tonight, hurt, I mean it really hurt. I watched the violins, the cellos, the violas. I saw the wood and the strings, every move they made and I wanted to cry. I did not realize until tonight that losing that viola really hurt me. Is that pathetic? Weird? Am I being silly? Seriously, tell me. I wasn’t a virtuoso or a genius with that instrument, I just loved playing it. I feel like my mom taking me from school to school to school to school, took something away from me. I had a taste of something and I wasn’t allowed to keep it or see where it went. Maybe I would have sucked at it, maybe I would have gotten bored, but right now I don’t care. I want my viola.

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, bipolar disorder, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Family Relationships, Incest, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatric medication, PTSD, Rape, Sexual Abuse, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to I lost my music. Realizing a loss that I didn’t really understand until now.

  1. callmeams says:

    Sounds to me like your mother tried to extinguish any spark you might have had as a child, possibly because of jealousy of your potential. But, I understand what you mean that it felt good to you. I can’t sing to save my life, but it gives me a great feeling inside to belt one out with the radio. The dogs can howl all they want, I’ll just put them outside and sing louder.

    Tai, take this one spark back from her. Call music shops, buy or rent a viola, and take some lessons. If you hate it, so be it. If it gives you joy, fantastic. But this is one area you can empower yourself. You can make the decisions and you can be in control.

  2. Freasha1964 says:

    Tai, the important thing is the joy that you could attain from playing your viola. I started playing the violin as an adult. Classical is beyond any hope for me, but I love folk music anyway, and I loved it so much that I practiced for an hour a day for years and years. It is doable. Get yourself a nice viola, and a nice teacher. It is never too late. You may even find that that year you spent playing it helps even now. I am finally at a point where I get to play with other people, and there is indeed a joy in my life that only music can impart. What a lovely gesture this would be for you as a gift from you, to you. Playing the violin can be therapy at times for me. I have cried all over my dear instrument. (And often it’s just a chore that I have made a commitment to for which I am grateful in the long run.) I am sure you are right, that it could be your joy and salvation. Your mother took that from you, but you can give it back to yourself.

    • tai0316 says:

      I love that you play the violin and it surprised me that you satrted as an adult because I never think that people would take up that kind of instrument as an adult, very cool. 🙂
      And I like what you said about giving myself a gift. Hmmm….something to think about.

      • Freasha1964 says:

        Yep, brave people, like survivors of trauma, don’t look at a silly little challenge like learning an instrument as a adult as too hard to attempt.
        Please tell us you are starting soon. I am so excited for you to get this meaningful endeavor into your life. And it might be extra hard at the beginning. Stringed instruments without frets are THE hardest. I used to wear earplugs in both ears (lightly) when I started because I couldn’t stand to hear myself play. No kidding. Now, I only use one in the ear that I hold the fiddle next to, because it is really LOUD in that ear and I don’t want to damage it. Hearing music means very much to me.
        I think you have hit on something, and I am excited for you.

  3. Go get one Tai! I mean it. It’s not too late to learn. I had music taken away from me when my mother died and now, at 36 I’ve decided to learn to play the piano. This is something you can do for yourself. I don’t mean to take away from the sadness of your loss at all, I just mean that while it’s so hard to get back other things, like our self-esteem, or ability to trust, this is something you *can* have. Go for it! 🙂

    Dawn

    • tai0316 says:

      Hey Dawn,
      I’m replying to these comments in the order I see them, so I’m like, ‘What! Another person decided to learn an instrument as an adult!?” You guys are giving me thoughts about trying this out. You made a very real point, that this is something that I can do, it’s very good to focus on what we can do isn’t it? Thank you and I’ll be thinking about you while you’re away.

  4. castorgirl says:

    Hi tai,

    What a great way to keep you destabilised, and to stop authorities asking questions about any odd behaviours you might have been showing because of the abuse you were experiencing… Can almost see how it created a scenario where the only constant in your life were the inconsistencies – and your mother.

    I’m with the others, grieve that loss in the past, but it’s never too late to learn. Do they have community courses at your local high school? We have them here and they let you hire the instrument and take lessons on the weekend or after school hours. Sounds like a really positive thing you could do for yourself.

    Take care,
    CG

    • tai0316 says:

      Hey CG,
      You hit on something that occured to me when I was writing about this and reading my posts again. When I said that I never knew why she kept pulling me out of schools, I suddenly had a similar thought as yours, thta maybe it was a way to make sure I didn’t tell that she was hitting me and leaving me alone at nights while she went out etc. It’s so strange because I never connected her abusing to me to that situation before. Hitting and screaming and swearing and darkness were reality and getting put in a different school each year was “normal”. I never put the two together. Hmmm.

      As for what you and everyone else is saying, I agree that I need to try and get this back into my life if I can. I’m glad you made suggestions because I honestly wouldn’t know where to start since lessons is the hardest part and finding someone who would teach an adult and hopefully not charge a million bucks. 🙂 Looking into community courses is a great idea CG. You always have great ideas! 😉

  5. L says:

    Hey Tai,
    I was just stopping by and came across this post. It touched me because I could fee the pain of having things taken from me when I was young. It was a bit like I was enjoying something so good then “poof” as you say – it was taken away. In my instances it was all about control. I had to do and say as I was told point blank. My things were mine only until they were claimed back by my parents (usually father).

    Remember I wrote yesterday about doing something different? Maybe you could do a viola class to see if you still have the buzz for it? We have to do things different so they don’t beat us 🙂

    Strength to you,
    L
    (and what the heck is a viola! ha ha).

    • tai0316 says:

      Hey L,

      Sorry it took so long for me to reply. You’re right about it being about power for people when they took things from us. I am looking into what classes may be available here. The viola isn’t the most common instument so I’ll have to do some research. My therapist is really excited about me trying it.

      And, to answer your question, a viola is the stringed instrument between the violin and the cello. You hold it like a violin but it’s a bit bigger. 🙂

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