For some reason during therapy yesterday, my arms made it very clear that they want me to cut. I hate that feeling because I can never find a reason not to do it. Since I was in therapy at the time I told my therapist and we talked about what I could do. She straight-out told me that cutting is not an option. I kind of scoffed inside at the thought that she could tell me what I can and cannot do but at the same time it was almost like a part of me recognized her as an authority figure we respect and took her declaration seriously. That was weird. Anyway, I can’t say what I will or will not do but maybe I won’t. She told me that I should call her if I felt the need to self-injure and I told her that it didn’t make sense for me to call her if I’m not in her office with a check in my hand. She said that my being able to call her is part of my therapy and that it wouldn’t be like we would have a session over the phone, more that she would talk to me to help me not to hurt myself. Interesting, I’ve never considered calling her to be part of my therapy package.
She talked to me about what is really behind the desire to cut and we talked about self-injury (for me) being connected to anxiety first of all and also about it providing a distraction from what’s really going on. I’m sure that’s what this is. When I posted the collage about being afraid to look behind me, I actually meant that literally. Whatever has been nagging at my mind is connected to my uncle but i can’t grasp whatever it is yet. The thought of being afraid to look behind me is because I have this image of being in my grandmother’s house (this is where the memory of abuse that I’ve always had took place) we’re in the living room, him, his wife and me and I think I’m playing with something on the coffee table or something like that. He’s sitting in a chair behind me and his wife is to my right sitting down. When this image occurs to me, I get very scared and I feel like a child and all I can think is that I don’t want to turn around and look behind me, I’m too scared. I know he’s sitting there but it’s like I can’t look over my shoulder. I told my therapist about this and about the feeling that I’m missing something and the feeling that there’s something nagging at me that I just can’t grasp. She said that it’s most likely this feeling that is making me want to self-injure and that it’s understandable because it causes anxiety and cutting would be a distraction from what’s really going on. She also said that him being in my grandmother’s house would have been really scary for me because we both know that her house was the one safe place in my entire world even when I was halfway across the country. His being there would have been threatening. That sounds reasonable. So, I will think about that and hopefully I won’t do anything. The problem is that her declaration that I cannot self-injure makes me feel…scared (?) like if I mess up and do it anyway she’ll be mad at me and that’s a very bad feeling to have about a therapist because it makes me feel less secure with our relationship. I may have to tell her how that makes me feel so I don’t freak out if this comes up again.