Fearing the inevitable crash after something you’ve been looking forward is over


Part of the reason I was away from the blog for so long is because my husband and I had our 15th wedding anniversary this past week. We went out to dinner a lot and went on a day trip etc.

There are times when I keep myself going in life by trying to hold on to one thing, something that I can look forward to, something that can keep my mind off of life. So, I was looking forward to our anniversary because it meant dinners and fun and gifts. And, now it’s over. There’s always a crash after something I’ve been looking forward to is over so I’m anticipating it and wondering if it will be mild or…not so mild. I’m trying not to borrow trouble though, so I’ll just see what happens.

I have to say that I was disappointed in my husband this year though. 🙂 I am a HUGE sci-fi/fantasy/comic book etc. fan so he knows that I like stuff like that but, it was 15 years and I was expecting something that said “15 years”. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t want anything expensive, I just expected something meaningful and meaningful has nothing to do with money, it can in fact be very simple. So, what did he give me? Action figures. W-o-w. I kept thinking that it was a joke and that he really had something else he was working up to. The fact that only the week prior to our anniversary I had jokingly guessed that he got me these exact toys only made it worse because I was right but I was kidding. Yikes. I had to pretend to be happy about it and then I watched him open his gift and he was rendered speechless by it. I won’t say what I got him but it literally took me months of researching (which I actually love to do because of my library background) and a ton of shopping around to get a good deal. Usually he knows me very well but this time I was surprised by his lack of thought. I’m not going to complain anymore though because it’s done.

I’ve noticed that I’ve been living in my fantasy world a lot. Every moment that my husband’s not directly with me (he took the week off from work) I’m somewhere else. I’ve also been engaging in compulsive behavior to an extreme degree with the requisite fantasies accompanying it. And I mean extreme. In fact it’s so extreme that I’ve actually scared myself. The fantasies aren’t about my abuser but they are always about horrible things. It got so bad at a point that I actually thought I was going to start weeping. It was almost surreal but I didn’t recognize it as a dissociative state, at least not anything I’ve felt before. I don’t get it but it’s not good.

I have therapy tomorrow so perhaps I’ll end up humiliating myself by telling her what I’ve been up to. Ugh.

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Alters, bipolar disorder, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative fugue, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatry, PTSD, Rape, self-harm, Sex, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Fearing the inevitable crash after something you’ve been looking forward is over

  1. Pandora says:

    I am so with you on the fantasy world thing; like you, I’m ‘there’ every time my other half is out. Though it’s not as horrid as yours seem to be 😦 I hope that somehow that passes, or at least reduces in intensity. Ditto the compulsive behaviours. I’m sorry you’re having to go through it all 😦

    I’m sorry that I have nothing useful to say but I wanted to say something.

    Take care

    Pan x

  2. Freasha1964 says:

    It’s me again, Tai.

    First: Congratulations!! 15 years!!! That is remarkable in this day and age. Sorry it (this past week) was a disappointment. Your husband maybe has so often lived up to your expectations that it would be more of a surprise when he misses? Just a guess.

    I noticed something interesting. That bicycle riding lesson and then this post about an impending crash. Hmmm… Maybe you can keep going on this? The girl crashes her bike and her father picks her up and comforts her. Would your husband pick you up and comfort you? From what you have written it sounds like he really loves you.

    I hope you do speak to your therapist about the fantasies. She can handle it, and won’t judge you harshly. (Just another guess). She seems like she is very competent and would be able to take some of the weight from it and make some sense out of it, so it isn’t so heavy and awful.

    • tai0316 says:

      Freasha,
      You totally nailed it about my husband! It’s true that he does so well most of the time that I was sure he would be totally awesome this year. Why am I complaining!? 🙂

  3. castorgirl says:

    Hi tai,

    Congratulations on the wedding anniversary, that’s awesome! I’m sorry about the gifts though. It’s ok to be disappointed, as long as you put it into context, and it sounds like that is what you’ve done.

    It sounds like you’ve had an awful lot going on… I know it can be really difficult to stay grounded in the here and now when you don’t have someone, or something external to help. I’m really sorry about the self injury. Please talk to your therapist about all of this, because from an outsider looking in, they seem all related – including the bike riding scene (as Freasha suggests).

    Please take care,
    CG

  4. meredith says:

    hi, tai;

    I know that dealing with mental health is something that been part of your life, but it’s only a year with adjusting to DID and certain kinds of flashbacks. This is really hard on a marriage for all kind of reasons, and the fact that you and your husband followed through with your yearly tradition says a lot about the health of your marriage. So, in a way…. congratulations.
    CONGRATULATIONS!
    and
    HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!

    For everything hardship you’ve navigated, you seem to have a good thing going with hubby. Good for you!! Love is hard work.

    (Some years, the special dates tank. It’s just part of the deal… it’s not permanent, though. Hang tight.

    ~meredith~

    • tai0316 says:

      Hey meredith 🙂
      I felt like an idiot for complaining about him as soon as I posted it. I got it off my chest and it’s not important in the end. He’s the strongest man I’ve ever known and he’s put up with a lot.

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