I had therapy today and I told my therapist about my massive compulsive sexual behavior the last few days which she later compared to binge eating. Fitting actually. I told her that I’m back to believing that I made up all of the sexual abuse, except for the one memory and she talked to me about that. She reminded me that no one would want that to be true so of course I don’t want to believe it. I told her that when I think about it, which I have not been doing, I’ve been pushing any thoughts away, but when I do think about it, I now see it like it’s a book or a movie and it seems like it happened to someone else and therefore can’t be real and therefore I made it up. She asked me what I get out of it by thinking that I made it up? I scoffed and I said I don’t get anything out of it, in fact it’s the opposite, it shows me that I’m a liar, a horrible person who makes up horrible stories about some guy. I told her that all of the graphic details I made up just show what a sick person I am. She said, ‘So you do get something out of believing you lied. You get to feel bad about yourself and call yourself untrustworthy and a liar.’ I was like, ‘Well, yea.’ kind of thinking, ‘Of course I feel bad about myself, why shouldn’t I? I’m a horrible person.’ She talked to me some more using logic and other things and I kind of moved back to begrudging acceptance. Begrudging I say.
She wanted to go deeper into my compulsive behavior because she said that every addiction (and that’s what I’m dealing with in this instance) has a deeper reason. Basically they distract from whatever is really scaring us, at least in my case. Things like cutting or compulsive masturbation etc. at least in this context, serve to distract me from what is really going on. She said that what happened the last few days was like a binge. She said that I need to look at this behavior without judgment because everything I feel comes from somewhere even if I don’t know where. My body is reacting a certain way because I’ve been triggered by something and because of what happened when I was little, certain pathways have been established affecting my sexuality. She said that the first step is for me to understand that all of this comes from somewhere, there’s a reason for it and to not judge myself. That’s a hard one because I love hating myself. 🙂 I asked her if maybe I went that route because I was trying so hard not to cut? She thought that was an excellent conclusion to draw. She said that with addictions like self-harm, when one addiction goes down another comes up, so because I tried so hard to not do one, the other one came up. It was suggested that I physically leave my house when these feelings come up, at least to give me something else to do that’s not in the safety of my house.
I had to explain to her that it’s not just about releasing physical tension or anxiety or whatever. I’m holding on to the fantasies that go with it more than anything. It’s like I need them. I’m not even thinking about him all of the time. I’m using fictional characters from various sources and simply inserting them into the same situations from my past. How weird is that! I’m really twisted…and just plain sick. ugh.
She thought that the timing of this “binge” was connected to this last week’s events. She said that celebrating a milestone like a 15th wedding anniversary could have triggered it. I was like, “Huh?” She explained that being married to someone for 15 years is a big deal and obviously emotional connections would be involved on this occasion. You guys know how much I love emotions. Connections are scary for me. Add in the *cough cough* intimacy involved on occasions like that, and it was a perfect situation to freak me out. I don’t know how she did it, but she managed to hit on the fact that I am terrified of losing my husband. After 15 years we are very close and very much a part of each other. Another scary thing. She also brought up something that I had told her several sessions ago, which was that being abused changed the whole premise of my marriage (in my mind) because I had taken pride in the fact that I had “saved myself” for my husband. I thought I was a virgin when I got married and being abused took that from me. She said that because that was something that was so important to me, something that I thought added to the beauty of our marriage, it destroyed part of what I thought about our relationship and about our marriage. That of course then connected it right back to the abuse and brought it into the picture and connected the abuse with our anniversary (she noted that the compulsive behavior started directly after intimacy). She said that it was like a part of me said, ‘What!? You think you’re going to connect with your husband!? I’ll show you! I’ll show you what happens when you try to connect with him’, and then boom! the behavior started and started in a big way. She said that the scale on which this behavior happened proved to be a huge distraction for me and therefore accomplished its purpose.
Jeez I’m tired just writing this post! I also got very sad this evening out of nowhere so I don’t know what’s happening with me right now. I hope this post made sense because I’m not making much sense right now. My brain isn’t working the way it should and I’m a little confused at the moment. Sorry.