Therapy today: discussing the why’s of compulsive behavior and other stuff * no details about self-harm just discussion*

I had therapy today and I told my therapist about my massive compulsive sexual behavior the last few days which she later compared to binge eating. Fitting actually. I told her that I’m back to believing that I made up all of the sexual abuse, except for the one memory and she talked to me about that. She reminded me that no one would want that to be true so of course I don’t want to believe it. I told her that when I think about it, which I have not been doing, I’ve been pushing any thoughts away, but when I do think about it, I now see it like it’s a book or a movie and it seems like it happened to someone else and therefore can’t be real and therefore I made it up. She asked me what I get out of it by thinking that I made it up? I scoffed and I said I don’t get anything out of it, in fact it’s the opposite, it shows me that I’m a liar, a horrible person who makes up horrible stories about some guy. I told her that all of the graphic details I made up just show what a sick person I am. She said, ‘So you do get something out of believing you lied. You get to feel bad about yourself and call yourself untrustworthy and a liar.’ I was like, ‘Well, yea.’ kind of thinking, ‘Of course I feel bad about myself, why shouldn’t I? I’m a horrible person.’ She talked to me some more using logic and other things and I kind of moved back to begrudging acceptance. Begrudging I say.

She wanted to go deeper into my compulsive behavior because she said that every addiction (and that’s what I’m dealing with in this instance) has a deeper reason. Basically they distract from whatever is really scaring us, at least in my case. Things like cutting or compulsive masturbation etc. at least in this context, serve to distract me from what is really going on. She said that what happened the last few days was like a binge. She said that I need to look at this behavior without judgment because everything I feel comes from somewhere even if I don’t know where. My body is reacting a certain way because I’ve been triggered by something and because of what happened when I was little, certain pathways have been established affecting my sexuality. She said that the first step is for me to understand that all of this comes from somewhere, there’s a reason for it and to not judge myself. That’s a hard one because I love hating myself. 🙂 I asked her if maybe I went that route because I was trying so hard not to cut? She thought that was an excellent conclusion to draw. She said that with addictions like self-harm, when one addiction goes down another comes up, so because I tried so hard to not do one, the other one came up. It was suggested that I physically leave my house when these feelings come up, at least to give me something else to do that’s not in the safety of my house.

I had to explain to her that it’s not just about releasing physical tension or anxiety or whatever. I’m holding on to the fantasies that go with it more than anything. It’s like I need them. I’m not even thinking about him all of the time. I’m using fictional characters from various sources and simply inserting them into the same situations from my past. How weird is that! I’m really twisted…and just plain sick. ugh.

She thought that the timing of this “binge” was connected to this last week’s events. She said that celebrating a milestone like a 15th wedding anniversary could have triggered it. I was like, “Huh?” She explained that being married to someone for 15 years is a big deal and obviously emotional connections would be involved on this occasion. You guys know how much I love emotions. Connections are scary for me. Add in the *cough cough* intimacy involved on occasions like that, and it was a perfect situation to freak me out. I don’t know how she did it, but she managed to hit on the fact that I am terrified of losing my husband. After 15 years we are very close and very much a part of each other. Another scary thing. She also brought up something that I had told her several sessions ago, which was that being abused changed the whole premise of my marriage (in my mind) because I had taken pride in the fact that I had “saved myself” for my husband. I thought I was a virgin when I got married and being abused took that from me. She said that because that was something that was so important to me, something that I thought added to the beauty of our marriage, it destroyed part of what I thought about our relationship and about our marriage. That of course then connected it right back to the abuse and brought it into the picture and connected the abuse with our anniversary (she noted that the compulsive behavior started directly after intimacy). She said that it was like a part of me said, ‘What!? You think you’re going to connect with your husband!? I’ll show you! I’ll show you what happens when you try to connect with him’, and then boom! the behavior started and started in a big way. She said that the scale on which this behavior happened proved to be a huge distraction for me and therefore accomplished its purpose.

Jeez I’m tired just writing this post! I also got very sad this evening out of nowhere so I don’t know what’s happening with me right now. I hope this post made sense because I’m not making much sense right now. My brain isn’t working the way it should and I’m a little confused at the moment. Sorry.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Alters, bipolar disorder, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative fugue, dissociative identity disorder, Family Relationships, Incest, Intimacy, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatric medication, Psychiatry, PTSD, Rape, self-harm, Sex, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Therapy today: discussing the why’s of compulsive behavior and other stuff * no details about self-harm just discussion*

  1. meredith says:

    Whenever I have episodes of binge behavior, it’s most often because I’m overwhelmed with too much information, emotion, etc., and my being wants to get rid of all the internal pressure.

    Pressure comes from all kinds of things–good and bad. The problem comes from not being able to digest it in a manageable way.

    It makes sense to me that you’ve taken on the problem as your very own invention… right down to the abuse. It provides a weird sense of comfort to believe that you had the power to create the disruption both then… and now. Considering how powerless you felt in your very own family (with your mom), it makes perfect sense that you stepped up to the plate at some time in your life and said, “Well, no one’s said it wasn’t my fault… or that it was bad. This must be my fault. I was bad, so this happened.”

    It’s not true, though. You were never at fault regarding this situation, and in many ways, you are still not at fault for having binges because your mind just hasn’t had time to evolve all the way to WELL.

    When I suddenly found myself alone, without my little family… I smoked a lot. But I said to myself one day, “You will quit. Not today… but when your plate is not so full.” I did, too.

    As you gain a sense of empowerment for your life, you’ll find reasons to do other things, tai. And you’ll find some things that make you feel good. For me, it was creating art… everywhere. With chalk on sidewalks, with paint on paper, wood, doors, walls, etc.

    You have something, too. Go on a quest and find a tool for healing that pleases you and makes you feel proud. Eventually, you’ll work with the new tool more often than turning to old coping tools.

    And… you’ll have SFB days just because you’re human, too. That’s okay.

    😉 ~meredith~

    • tai0316 says:

      Hey meredith,
      Internal pressure is a huge problem and it’s way too easy to take the “easy” way out, even when that route causes pain. You bring up an interesting possibility when you talk about me taking on the problem as my own invention and the control issue. Hmmm…something to think about. I’m proud of you for quitting smoking, very healthy! I definitely want another outlet and I’m actively seeking alternatives. My therapist also made a point of saying that I will have these “binges” from time to time and that it’s ok. Not saying that it’s ok to just keep it up but that she understands that I will fall back on this behavior and to not judge myself. Thanks meredith. 🙂

  2. castorgirl says:

    It sounds like you made huge progress in identifying some of the triggers and why the self-injury was used as a way to cope with the feelings they evoked. Well done! I know it’s difficult, but that unraveling is how we heal.

    This may or may not resonate with you… check out the image that Puzzled Hats used for her description of being “Fragile, small, cut off, discarded… tossed aside after being used.” in this post Breaking the silence. She thought of the flower as being thrown away, and that is one perspective which is associated with very valid emotions. But I saw the photo another way, because the flower looked so beautiful and perfect… and from flowers comes the seeds for new life or ways of being. So I can understand the grief, hurt and confusion associated with not having been able to save yourself for your marriage. But, emotionally and spiritually, I think you did save yourself for your marriage. Yes, the physical aspect was taken from you without your consent, and that was so very wrong. But part of you, like that flower in Puzzled Hats picture, kept the goodness that is you, intact and waiting for your husband.

    I hope I explained that correctly, and I hope it doesn’t cause pain or offense if I’ve mucked it up.

    Take care,

    • tai0316 says:

      Hey CG,
      My therapist would very much agree with you on this. I did look at the picture you mentioned and I can see how you both had different perspectives on it which I always find interesting. Thank you for sharing that link with me.
      My therapist has emphasized that in her mind, what happened to me as a kid didn’t change my “virginal” status because it didn’t really count as it wasn’t consensual. She thinks, like you that in the ways that counted, I was still a virgin when I got married. And no, you didn’t cause me any pain, in any way whatsoever. Never worry about that stuff with me. 🙂 Thank you so much for your comment CG.

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