I wasn’t sure if I was going to write about this or not but that’s what my blog is for, to write about whatever I want I guess. It wasn’t a matter of being worried about what people would think. Actually, that’s not completely true, there is a fear of people being disgusted. But, the instance yesterday shook me enough that any fear of reaction was outweighed by my confusion and need to talk about it.
Obviously anyone who’s been reading my last few blog entries knows that I’ve been talking about compulsive behavior connected to abuse. Hmmm…I’m not sure if I should define what I’m talking about or let people fill in their own blanks? I’ll leave it alone. It will probably be pretty obvious anyway. During my therapy session this week, we talked about the trouble I had last week with engaging in what had to be epic compulsive behavior. I touched briefly on the fantasies that accompany this behavior and I told my therapist that the fantasies had taken on a much more violent connotation during this “binge”. Anytime I’ve had trouble with this particular type of compulsive behavior in the past, there have always been fantasies to go with it and the fantasies are always, always, bad. This time around they were bad but also more violent and I didn’t and still don’t understand why they took that turn. Anyway, yesterday was weird and interesting, interesting in a weird way. I was trying to focus on what my therapist said about really thinking through whether I want to strengthen the neural pathway that has been established, the one that makes me fall back to compulsive sexual behavior, or do I want to strengthen a different pathway, one that doesn’t involve this behavior. Basically, trying to use something else to cope with whatever is going on with me without engaging in this behavior. So, I was thinking about this yesterday because, for whatever reason, and I don’t know what the reason is, my brain and body wanted me to do things that I didn’t want to do. So, I thought to myself, ‘Ok, here we go, just ride it out and do something else until it passes. You don’t want to do this so don’t.” So simple right? Ha! Now, first off let me say that I made a mistake right off because I didn’t follow my therapist’s suggestion to go for a walk. My bad. I thought I could handle it inside the house. Goodness knows if I have to take a walk every time this comes up I will never be home. Anyway, that was a mistake. But what interests me more was how my mind reacted to me resisting. It didn’t like it. Now when I say, “it” I honestly don’t know what I’m referring to. I don’t know if it was an alter or just my brain or what, but it didn’t like me resisting. I’ve never felt anything like what happened when I put up that first resistance. It was almost immediate. I mentally said “no.” and my mind was like, “Excuse me!?” It was like getting a hard mental push, a rude one, that told me in no uncertain terms that my refusal was not acceptable. I was surprised by the force of the…feeling?…I don’t know, but I resisted. Again I should mention that I have engaged in other behavior that is self-injury but I never had this happen with any of those. So, I resisted and it was like this battle started in my head. Suddenly what had only been an inclination to do something became an all-consuming thought. I couldn’t not think about. It was all I could think about. At the same time, I’m thinking, “What the hell is going on!?” But, I continued to resist. I have no idea what kind of time passed while all of this was going on. I was locked in battle and time had no meaning. Then something shifted and it was like a part of my brain realized that I wasn’t going to cave and it decided to knock me down with something worse. I was suddenly hit with the desire to view…”questionable” material on the internet and I was like “Whoa! We haven’t done that in a long time and we’re proud of that!” You see, there is only one thing that can make me hate myself more than the compulsive sexual behavior and that’s looking at things I shouldn’t. My brain knows this and it was a dirty trick. Anytime I give in to that impulse, I feel like death afterwards. I end up hating myself with a viciousness that cannot be accomplished any other way. Basically, viewing that kind of stuff is number one on my “Why I’m a filthy slut” list and the compulsive sexual behavior is a close number two. My brain is smart and I caught on quickly that something would be very happy if I not only engaged in number one on my list but if I also engaged in number two on my list. What a triumph that would be to whatever this thing inside me is. Another part of my brain also realized that this was a no-win situation conjured up by my mind because I’m weak. It knew that there was no way I could resist both, either I would completely crumble and do everything this hideous monster wanted me to do or I would choose number two because that is the lesser of two evils for me. How clever! Now while all sorts of pieces of my mind were figuring these things out and calculating my chances of escape, I was aware that I was having a very odd physical reaction to my internal turmoil. I got up from my chair to try to walk around to shake off these impulses and when I took a step I bent over and had to try to get a grip on myself. It was like having someone hold on to your ankles so you can’t walk but also trying to get your breath back after running. That’s the best way I can describe what it felt like. I felt like someone was saying, “You’re not going anywhere.” and I was trying to move to go somewhere else so I could clear my head and not cave in but I couldn’t move fast enough. I had impulses beating at my head and they wouldn’t shut up! It was like noise but in the form of very strong thoughts and they kept up a constant pushing. At the same time my body is literally not letting me walk or leave the area and every time I tried to move I would kind of fold over again. I think it was basically my mind and body fighting me and fighting what I really wanted to do which was leave. For clarification, I’m not saying that any parts or alters were involved. I was way too overwhelmed and confused to get any sense of what was really going on. So, when I say my “mind” or “brain” etc. that’s exactly what I mean because for all I know it was my brain and not any alters.
Anyway, I’ll leave it there. I won up to a point, but there was, what I can only describe as severe “backlash” from my resistance and it was like I was punished for trying to stop it. I felt defeated and I loathed myself the rest of the day.
I guess the reason I wanted to write it out is because I felt so much confusion and despair during that whole time. It was like having people pulling on me like a wishbone and everyone was trying to get the bigger piece so they would win and get what they wanted. I didn’t understand what was going on in my head or my body. I didn’t understand the aggressiveness behind what was going on or the reasons that there was such a…meanness?…behind the push to do those things. It was weird to put it lightly. I’m still confused today and more than a little afraid of myself because I don’t know what’s going on with me.