Tired of myself

After the post I wrote earlier about my confusion over my compulsive behavior I took a bath and realized that I am tired of living with me. That’s where the “Can I Move Out?” collage came from. I’m not talking about suicide, just the feeling that I wish I wasn’t me because I can’t stand me and I have to live with me. I was sitting there just thinking that I do nothing but whine on my blog and show everyone what a pathetic waste of space I am. Even this sounds whiny, so annoying. The only talent I have is BS’ing everyone into thinking that I am, to use their words, “charming”. I sure as hell bring nothing to the table in my marriage. What is the point of me? I have no idea. I’m not looking for reassurance, I’m just being honest. I just sit around doing stupid things that I end up writing about here. I’m just so sick of myself but I’m stuck in my skin and I can’t escape my body. I hate this, I really hate this. The only time I’m the person I wish I was is in my pathetic fantasy life. People who actually do something in life would tell me to stop living in my fantasies and do something. I think about that, and I think, what’s the point? I could never be “her”. She looks different from me in all the ways that matter, she’s smart, fiercely loyal, confident, talented and she can protect herself and the people she cares about. That’s the reason people in that fantasy love her. I can’t be her. She’s there because she’s better than me. So my best means creating a person who’s better than me and everything that I wish I was. Wonderful.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
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13 Responses to Tired of myself

  1. meredith says:

    Okay, so there’s only so much interest a (healthy) person can take in the Self… and then it’s time to paint the hall… or read a book… or go for a walk. Sometimes, I think we dawdle in thought over compulsive behaviors when we don’t know what to do with ourselves. It takes some fierce concentration to pull your attention away from the thought, so practice doing that first, with the “mission accomplished” moment being the one where you walk out the front door and sit on the step. Just focus on learning the way to move through the moment… and Ta Da! Just that much. Don’t go farther than that. Maybe the finish line is having your earbuds in place as you press play to your favorite “fuck you” music.

    I used to plug into HELL FREEZES OVER and paint when The Thing started creeping around. Sometimes, I’d go for a drive with the music cranked to the max just to change up the rhythm. I knew I had to figure out how to get by while I piddled around trying to understand the point of what was bugging me. The understanding process triggers so much tension that I had to back up and figure out ways to interrupt my mind before I could really start processing anything else.

    Ear phones are an excellent investment for shutting your mind up when you need to shift gears… but you’re stuck. I highly recommend them. 🙂


    • tai0316 says:

      So you’re telling me to get my ass out of my house even if it means just sitting on the steps? And earbuds. Ok, earbuds: check. Now I need an f*$k you song…Ok, Crablouse by Lords Of Acid. Check. 😀

      • meredith says:

        Letting yourself be very pissed off by the all-consuming nature of exploring god only knows what…. is very, very appropriate. So learn to be as pissed off as you’re entitled to be by doing healthy grouch stuff.

  2. meredith says:

    (Or is this a p.m.s. thing….?) KIDDING!

    • tai0316 says:

      You dork. 😉
      No it’s not pms, I had a hysterectomy. Of course I still have my ovaries but…no, not pms. Goof…

      • meredith says:

        PMS is everybody’s answer to everything. When I get tired of wondering what is going on with me, I just write PMS on the bathroom mirror with lipstick and then kiss the mirror.

  3. shame says:

    “Take my brain and shove it.”


  4. Pandora says:

    I know this feeling! But I don’t think you’re all those things you think you are. That means damn all, I know but…well, I like you anyway, and am glad you’re here 🙂

    (Sorry, that sounds that platitudinous rubbish, but it is true).

  5. Freasha1964 says:

    Hey Tai,
    I have felt that way. I want to run away; it’s just too hard here, all that is going on. Then I realize I would have to run away from myself, and there is the trick. So, I had to stay.

    Look, you have set up a perfect fantasy woman, if I understand your post right. She would be hard for ANYBODY to compete with. If she were all that she appears to be AND an actual real person, you would only have to look closer to find foibles, flaws, sorrows, psychic injuries, and please, you can finish the list. It would be a long list.

    I strongly suspect you bring a lot to the table in every facet of your life. I imagine part of you (your host, maybe?) knows that and the part that disparages yourself – I own a part like that, too (!) – was out and about when you wrote this.

  6. Paul says:

    Tai, You are not whining. You are trying to make sense of your life and your triggers and impulses and trying to change them. The good news is that I do think effort correlates with outcome. And I know it feels hard and overwhelming, but you can get to a better place.

    • tai0316 says:

      Thank you Paul. 🙂
      I would love to believe that I can beat this stuff. I know that many of you know how it feels to think you’ve lost some of progress you’ve made. I get a lot of encouragement reading about other people getting more of a grip on these types of things even when they fall back on them from time to time. But, it always seems like they can do that because they’re better than me.
      No one said there would be so much work lol! Yes I’m using humor to deal with it. 🙂

  7. castorgirl says:

    Whining serves a purpose… it tells us we’re not happy with where we are. It’s what we do with that feeling that is important. You’re consistently pushing the healing boundaries in a positive way, so that’s all good.

    Wish you had as much patience with yourself as those around you do 🙂

    Take care,

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