Thoughts about memory and realizing that it’s ok to just be me sometimes


I’ve been reading some interesting thoughts that people in the DID community have about memory. At first I had all of these complicated reactions and thoughts and swinging back and forth from one spectrum to the other. Who should I listen to? It seems on any subject there are always people who exist on each side of the spectrum. There are always people who are completely and passionately against something and people who are completely and passionately for something. It’s everywhere on pretty much every subject. I find the arguments about false memory verses believing every single thing that comes into our heads to be very emotional and confusing. After reading some comments about this subject, I found myself kind of… numb maybe? What to believe? Who’s right? What if I’m a giant liar? What if I’m not? It’s enough to drive a person crazy haha. After going through a spectrum of reactions and getting panicky, which actually only happened for a few minutes, I decided to calm myself with one thought, a thought my therapist has stuck to since the beginning. I have always had one, sure, no question, memory. It wasn’t recovered, it’s always been there. When this incident happened I told my grandmother. I have information from another source that they were abused by this person as well. And actually, someone else saying that it happened to them too doesn’t matter and let me explain why I say that. I don’t mean that it doesn’t matter like it’s not important because of course it is. What I mean is that it doesn’t have a bearing on what happened to me, on what I remember. I’ve got one sure thing and I know it. I’ve always known it. My therapist has told me over and over that it doesn’t matter if anything else happened besides what I’ve always remembered and I never agreed with her, in fact I thought it was a horrible thing to say. She said that what matters is that it happened and that it has had an effect on my life and it’s still affecting my life. Again I thought that was minimizing the whole subject. I’m not saying anything about what she said, whether I agree or not. What I thought about today was that there is some merit in that thought because at times like this when I get crazy wondering about things and focusing on things, instead of getting mired in that process, I need to remind myself that something did happen to me, something that I’ve never questioned and right now, at this second, when I’m all stressed, the other stuff doesn’t matter right now. What matters is that it affects me. I also have to remember something that my therapist brought out in this week’s session. The majority of my abuse was done by my mother. I have this tendency to look at having DID or being abused from one perspective: either sexual or physical. But she reminded me that I had a lifetime of abuse, starting at one point and continuing and being reinforced until I moved out. This was done by two people but they are connected and they both affected my thoughts about myself and my worth and…lots of stuff. Right now, at this second, at this moment, that’s what matters. I’m not saying to never deal with other aspects or that I’ll never have to think about other stuff. What I’m saying is that sometimes it’s ok to not complicate things. Sometimes it’s ok to keep things simple so you don’t go crazy and you get a break from all the stress. Some bad, bad things happened and those bad things are causing problems right now. It wasn’t just sexual it was also physical. I’m not fragmented because of nothing, I’m fragmented because of lots of things done by more than one person. That’s the deal, that’s the truth and I’m going to let the other stuff go right now, because…I’m tired and it’s not healthy to focus on this stuff all day. The people who hurt me don’t own me. Will this phase of slight peace pass? I’m pretty sure it will. 🙂 I may be back tomorrow or heck tonight posting about feeling the exact opposite of this. But, for this moment, I’m not going to worry about it. If I feel mad or sad or angry, I know that I have many good reasons to feel that way. I can pick a chapter of my life and find several things that suck lol. What matters is that I recognize those feelings and tell myself that it’s ok to feel that way. If I can figure out where those feelings come from and get some kind understanding from it, great. But I’m tired of having to pick through every single little grain of every single thing that I think or feel and feel pressure to find some sort of cosmic significance in it. Sometimes I like to think things or feel things without sifting through the excruciating minutia of every synapsis that fires in my brain. Sometimes I’m just…me. Sometimes my thoughts are just…mine. Sometimes my feelings are exactly what they appear to be on the surface. Sometimes a sneeze is just a sneeze. And that’s ok. Sometimes it’s not just a sneeze and that’s ok too. I just realize that for today, I don’t have dig at everything all the time. I think that’s ok.

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Alters, bipolar disorder, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative fugue, dissociative identity disorder, Family Relationships, Incest, Mania, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatric medication, Psychiatry, PTSD, Rape, self-harm, Sexual Abuse, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to Thoughts about memory and realizing that it’s ok to just be me sometimes

  1. meredith says:

    Tai, working with traumatic memories is very personal. During the first few years of DID therapy, I pushed, pushed, pushed to clean out personalities/alters/ Others. I thought memory work was about dissolving the memories, then wiping them away to have a clean mental surface to work from.

    I didn’t have a lot of information… and I didn’t want a lot of external information because I thought it was vital to recover MY memories, untainted by press releases, television, and so on. I wanted to know, for myself what happened to me.

    Well, a lot of things happened to me. Every time I went through intensive memory work I wormed my way through all kinds of stuff that seemed surreal, impossible, and sometimes I had no idea what I experienced. Over time, I recognized that sometimes I didn’t understand a memory because only certain elements of the memory were accessible… and they were filed with other memories of the same kind… and it took a long time to sort things out. Years. I’m still sorting things out.

    The most important thing I learned was to believe my body and mind when it screamed, SOMETHING AWFUL HAPPENED…

    It’s like doing the challenges on SURVIVOR. Each challenge has many elements to it such as winding through obstacle courses to retrieve a few measly pieces of a puzzle that must eventually be figured out and put together.

    When I hear, SOMETHING AWFUL HAPPENED

    • meredith says:

      (Sorry)

      When I hear that phrase, I know that I may only find one piece of the puzzle to retrieve… or I might find a nearly finished thought.

      Everyone has their own way of dealing with mental disorders because we are all so unique. Sometimes, too much information is just too much. That’s a good time to take a break from the pursuit, refresh your mind by doing something else, and trust that YOUR mind honestly is teaching you, strengthening your resolve, and laying out a framework for you to work within.

      Truthfully, the greatest clarity regarding an event of significance seems take shape when I’m not thinking about every grain of detail–at all!

      Time. It takes time to understand the inconceivable.

      ~meredith~

      • tai0316 says:

        Yes, I think it was a good thing that I realized it’s ok to take a break.
        It is a problem to accept that something inconceivable happened. I still have trouble…obviously.

    • tai0316 says:

      Hey meredith,
      So sorry I’ve been gone and not replying or getting to everyone’s blog. I feel horrible about that.
      You hit on a very important point about worrying about external influences when working with traumatic memory. You also mention something that my therapist talked about which was not being able to understand everything you see because pieces are missing. She tells me not to worry and that my subconscious will tell me when I’m ready. I’m glad that I have the one memory to hold on to so to speak because I’ve never wondered about that one. My body tells me things and I get scared because trust is hard even when you’re trying to trust yourself.
      This is a lot of work and it can be so tiring.

  2. castorgirl says:

    Good on you tai… you found a way for you that feels right for you. Even if that doesn’t stick, you got to a sense of peace about it all at this time, that means it’s possible again.

    To pick up on your point about being subjected to other forms of abuse, I was once asked by a therapist how much influence the psychological abuse I was subjected to influences my current problems. I now see the psychological abuse as setting me up for the sexual abuse, and the sexual abuse creating more psychological abuse. I don’t see how the different types of abuse can be separated. That’s why I often generalise my statements to people being “hurt by those who should have protected them”… it’s not about the type of abuse – all abuse is wrong, it’s about the affect that abuse has on the individual.

    If you’re like me, this feeling of peace with the debate is a transient, but each time I go over it, I become a little firmer in my convictions about it all. I’m still open to learning, but I also know that my opinion is consistent with a few theorists, so it’s not like I’m going solo and left field about it all.

    Take care,
    CG

    • tai0316 says:

      Hi CG,
      Yes, I’m with you, I hope that it means I can find that peace again when I need it. You said: I don’t see how the different types of abuse can be separated. That’s why I often generalise my statements to people being “hurt by those who should have protected them”… it’s not about the type of abuse – all abuse is wrong, it’s about the affect that abuse has on the individual.
      Great point and one I’ve failed to realize until recently. I’m glad you said that. You’re right too that the peace is transient and I’m glad that you find yourself becoming firmer in your convictions. I hope I can do that too. 🙂

  3. Dear Tai,

    Thank you for posting your thoughts and feelings. Your writing is refreshing as is your willingness to be open and honest about what you are thinking.

    I agree, sometimes you are just … you. I know the pressure of therapy can be overwhelming, but you are able to see what’s going on and able to step back from it and ask yourself questions.

    Knowing you were abused is one thing; thinking you were abused but not sure about it is entirely different. And yes, questioning whether or not every thought or memory fragment needs to be dissected is an excellent question. Be you. Best.

    • tai0316 says:

      Hi Jeanette,
      Thank you so much! And yes being just me sometimes is good. The whole subject is fraught with extremes and I keep trying to find a good balance. Thanks again. 🙂

      • Anytime, I am always happy when people want to be who they are instead of who someone else wants them to be. Especially when it comes to therapy. I allowed myself to be what my therapist wanted me to be and it nearly killed me. Glad to know you may dodge that one. JB

  4. Pingback: Anonymity and the Beginning of the End…Again » Confessions of a Serial Insomniac

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