Had therapy today and it was…exhausting. I started off talking about my last few posts that dealt with memory issues and self-esteem. My therapist actually had some things to say about the memory thing.
(I just realized after finishing this post that the next part makes no sense. I didn’t explain this well at all and I’m sorry. I can’t get the words right so this may come off badly instead of the way it was really presented. I just can’t get it right. Sorry.)
I told her that I had read comments talking about therapists liking having DID patients because they can brag or something for having interesting patients. I told her about theories of therapist with bad motives planting memories etc. She said that it’s possible that therapists with no training could be like that but that no therapist, at least a good therapist, would get off on having a DID patient. She said it’s not about what the patient has, it’s about the relationship between the therapist and the patient, about them having a connection. I also brought up stuff about false memory and the possibility of people just straight out lying about what happened to them. She said that the truth is, no one can know for sure what happened in abuse situations like that BUT that a good therapist (someone with training) would be able to tell if the patient was straight out just making stuff up. I thought that was strange, I scoffed and asked how that could be possible. She said to think about the therapist/patient relationship. She said that a therapist and a patient develop a very close relationship (she of course mentioned within boundaries). She said that over time and because of the closeness of that relationship a therapist gets to know the real person, how they really are. She compared it to me knowing someone for years and can’t I tell when something just isn’t right with their behavior. She said it’s like that with a therapist. Over time a therapist (with training)would be able to tell if something was just plain “off” with the patient’s behavior, something that didn’t add up. She has always said in the past that after 10 years of knowing me, she knows that it’s not in me to lie. But her point was that it wouldn’t be a common occurence for someone to just straight out lie in therapy about this stuff without a trained therapist being able to tell. Any thoughts on that? Anyway, I’ll move on.
I went on and told her about the billboard I posted about, the one that has the nickname my uncle called me on it, the one I have to pass by every time I come home from somewhere. She started by appealing to my logical side. She said the sign is words and the words have no power over me, logically. Talking about my feeling side, she said that it’s obvios that the words are triggering. She asked me what I think about when I see those words. I told her that when I see the words, I hear him call me that in my head. She asked me what feelings come with it and I could only say that it made my skin crawl and my stomach get jittery. Suddenly I told her that I felt like crying but I didn’t understand why I felt that way. She asked me if there were any circumstances connected to him calling me that name and strangely I couldn’t pick out a specific instance it was more like an all over feeling of…bad. She asked me if anyone else called me that name and I said absolutely not, I said it was something between me and him. Then things got bad. I felt my eyes shut hard and I was gone. It was weird though because I think I was co-conscious but…wow. A younger part who has never come out presented. I could hear my therapist talking to her but it was so far away. All I know is that she asked where the little girl was and she was in “the room” with him. She wanted her grandmother and she was scared and crying. The aunt was in the house but wouldn’t come in the room. There was some other stuff. Then I heard my therapist say something that had a major impact. She said “I’m going to sit with you in the room until he goes away.” I felt so much pain from that little girl! It was like…heartbreak. Eventually I tried to push the little girl back as nicely as I could but I needed help to come all the way back. I barely managed to tell my therapist that I needed help. I heard her very firmly say, “I’m going to count down from six and when I say one you’ll come back.” She counted very firmly and loud enough to get through to me and I came back. So weird. I was freaked! So much time had passed. I felt dirty and unclothed and I kept wrapping my jacket around me like I needed to cover up. Yuck. Anyway, there was a good part. Even though I was freaked she talked to me about what to do the next time we got scared like that, if we were in “the room” again. She said that we need to understand that we never have to be alone in that room again. She said the next time we were there, bring someone into the room with us, someone we trust, an adult to protect the child. She said that I should think about what the little part needs. Does she need someone to scoop her up and take her away or to sit with her or hold her hand. My mind reacted to that. The idea of someone being there to hold her hand was comforting but at the same time there was a very, very strong thought that no one should have to come into that room with us because it’s dirty and they don’t deserve to be there with us. That was painful and I haven’t fully processed that yet. Our therapist said to keep bringing an adult in there with us every time and that one day I would be the adult that the child trusted to be there with her and take care of her. What a thought. But, she said for now, just think of adults that can be trusted, maybe her or my (deceased) grandmother and bring them into the room.
I finally got myself together enough to drive home but it became difficult as I drove. I would start crying and them feel hysterical and them choke it back and then cry again. It hurt a lot. I have some stuff to think about and I hope I can make some collages to help process this stuff. I haven’t had an alter come out in therapy in a long time and I never had one come out in connection to the sexual abuse, only the stuff with my mother. Oh, and I forgot that she said an angry part came out before the little girl. Oh well, things to think about but I wanted to put that I like the idea of bringing a trusted adult into “the room” to comfort the girl. I just need to deal with the strong thoughts about dragging someone in there with us/her, even though it’s mental visualization not reality.
This post feels really boring, I’m sorry. Actually I apologized to my therapist for switching and she told me to stop apologizing and I apologized for apologizing. 🙂