Having “Matrix” moments

Kind of a brief post.

I’ve been having feelings that I’ve experienced in the past, I compare it to the movie “The Matrix” which is about people who think they’re living in the real world but they’re actually in a computer program and hooked up to machines somewhere else. No, I don’t think that I’m hooked up to a machine somewhere but there are times, and they’ve happened more and more recently, where I truly, literally feel for a moment that I may be hallucinating my life. I feel like at some moment I’m going to come to and be somewhere else living some other life with a different name and people who I don’t recognize all around me. This other life isn’t better either. I imagine that it would be like waking up from a coma with total amnesia and that I’ve been having a very detailed dream while I was asleep. If I wake up to the “real world” I will think that the dream was my real life and I won’t know anyone who’s there when I wake up. I know this sounds crazy but it keeps happening. I’ve also been re-experiencing the confusion between dreams and reality. I wake up sometimes and it can take me hours to figure out whether something was a dream or real. I’m not talking about important stuff, just minor details here and there. But it’s really confusing and the lines blur even with the minor stuff. That actually brings me to déjà vu a subject I discussed early on when I first started blogging. I’ve had an increase in feeling déjà vu and that is so creepy. Maybe my brain is crumbling like blue cheese…


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in bipolar disorder, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Mania, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatry, PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to Having “Matrix” moments

  1. Pandora says:

    There’s that weird synchronicity again tai – I’ve just written a post that itself is unrelated to this, but which reminded me of an incident in October in which I convinced myself that I was either actually dead or was a figment of my own imagination. I’ve entertained the notion many times that we are simply puppets on a string managed by much ‘greater’ beings – kind of like how the characters are in The Sims, if you’ve ever played it. I know how unsettling all that is for me, so my heart goes out to you 😦

    I don’t know if the dreams ever go. The whole difficulty in determining whether x was real or dreamt is so frustrating and, again, unsettling. Something occurs to me here – I wonder is there a connection between us still doubting some (many?) memories, and being sometimes unable to distinguish between ‘fact’ and ‘fiction’? Maybe that’s just psychobabble, but it’s possible I guess.

    Anyway, I’m so sorry that you’re going through these experiences 😦 Please be kind to and take good care of yourself, you deserve it x

    • tai0316 says:

      Wow Pan, same vibe again huh? *plays Twilight Zone music* 😉
      I have played the Sims so that made total sense lol!
      Looking at your thoughts about dreams and memory, I have no idea on that one. I’ve never had a problem confusing abuse stuff, whether it was the physical stuff with my mom or the sexual stuff with my uncle, from reality. I honestly haven’t dreamt about “him” except for his face or my aunt being there or something but no specifics. I dream about my mom all the time but it always about me telling her not to touch me and either trying to escape or telling her off. The dream thing is very interesting and when it messes with reality it just freaks you out. Thanks for the good thoughts and I am sending my own back to you. 🙂

  2. meredith says:

    Yup. What you said.

    Hang in there,


  3. jt says:


    That’s so weird… I just posted on my entry today when describing going off my medication last year “to be more healthy,” this:

    “I actually thought that I had died (as I made a recent move to an isolated mountain town) and that I was living out my isolated existence as a ghost. Haunting, remembering, having “phone conversations” with family members that were in my spectral head. Of course, I knew I wasn’t livng out my ghost life a la “The Ghost Whisperer” and BBC’s “Being Human.” But there it was. In my head, at night. Days ran into weeks to months to a year… I don’t think that anymore, but that was a wierd time…”

    Bizarre, eh? Same day…


    • tai0316 says:

      Hi jt,
      Sometimes the mental community has weird moments of synchronicity like Pandora said. By the way, good for you for watching the BBC 🙂

      • jt says:

        LOL Thanks.

        I LOVE BBC. There shows have much more edge- like me and “The Crazy.” I mean, who thinks they died and are a ghost for a whole year, right?


        ps – love the synchronicity comment…
        “We all breathe the same air.” – JFK

  4. catherine says:

    when i was in the middle of my first nervous breakdown (way back in 1983…) i believed i was in an elaborate play. everyone around me was an actor. to get back to the “real” people i thought i had to kill myself. that’s when i thought i would wake up and be okay. it was an awful feeling, even worse when i woke up after my suicide attempt and i was still on planet earth… no sign of “my people”….

  5. roseroars says:

    Depersonalization and derealization ROCKS! Wait….no…..not really……

    • meredith says:

      well… sometimes it rocks. *well it does* sometimes. it depends on what you’re morphing with…

      • meredith says:

        Wait. I’m not supposed to say that out loud, am I… well, shit. Now everyone’s going to know that all of DID isn’t horrid, and that walking the path has some really cool parts to it.

        *oh dear…*

      • tai0316 says:

        The secret’s out now lol!

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