Maybe it’s ok to take little steps instead of worrying about the big picture?


I decided that I need to relax. I feel like my creative juices have been activated but in an almost scary way. My brain is processing things a little too fast. My viola teacher said I’m moving faster than students usually do but, I think it’s because my brain has been tripped by being able to do something creative and now it’s in high gear. Keep in mind that I’ve only had like 2 lessons lol! She would do something from the book and then throw me in and I’d repeat it, my fingers moving almost without thought sometimes. Weird.

And then there’s the writing. I’ve been publishing a chapter a day of the fan fiction I’m writing. The reviews have blown my mind because I can’t believe that people actually like it. I’m reading all of these things about my character development, narrative abilities blah, blah, blah and I’m like “Huh?”

But it’s not the compliments that make me happy. It’s making someone happy. It’s when I get messages from readers saying that they got an alert that another chapter of my story was up and it made their day. One reader said that they were so wrapped up reading the story that they were going to be late for work this morning. That means a lot. I can’t ask for more than that. Some gibberish I wrote down made people happy enough that they took the time to write me. How weird is that? BUT my brain has locked on to that happiness and now it’s churning out ideas all day. I’ve noticed that as I write, the story almost writes itself, not that I’m not fully aware of it, because I’m totally present, but it’s like my brain just knows where to take it and I don’t really have to think about it. But, that’s scary.

The problem is that, this is all a little… much, which brings me back to needing to relax. I’ve gotten pressure in the past to just sit down and write my books already. I’ve decided to screw that and here’s what I mean. If I try to sit down and write my book with the purpose in mind of getting it published, I will start to sabotage myself with overwhelming thoughts of why I can’t do it. I will freak myself out. I know me. I’m glad that catherine, who reads this blog, suggested a book for me to read about overcoming this because I’m going to look into it. But my point is that, what seems to be working for me now, is writing for pleasure, so that’s what I’m going to do with my book. I’m going to sit down and just write it for me. Just me. That’s enough for now. I’m not going to start making plans because that will just wig me out.

I have to get a grip and remember that this could be, and actually it’s likely, that this is my bipolar brain going “Yippe! We’re on creative crack! Woohoo!” 🙂 That has happened many times before.

I don’t really care how anyone else’s bipolar disorder works, and this is not about making excuses. Actually it’s the opposite. It’s me saying that I know myself, but maybe instead of riding this wave and then crashing, I can channel it so I can get the most from it.

 So, instead of looking at all of the maybe’s and possibilities, and plans, I’m just going to play my viola and I’m just going to write. I’m going to play for myself and I’m going to write for myself. I’m going to be happy if I end up making other people happy and I’m going to accept the compliments for once in my life. I know people who would scoff at me and say I have no ambition. Actually, I don’t have any ambition as far pursuing being famous or rich or whatever. I think that’s ok. It doesn’t mean that I’m lazy. I don’t feel a drive to get out there and conquer the world. I feel like what I’m working on, where therapy has taken me, is being ok with looking into what makes me happy. Getting to a place where I’m ok with putting myself out there a little. Taking back some of the things that I lost. It doesn’t matter whether I’m successful at it or not. I’m allowing myself to be open to concept of trying and of doing things just for the heck of it, because I want to.

When I was little, the only person who believed in me was my grandmother. When I was a kid, my mother wouldn’t accept the invitation for me to go to a gifted and talented school. Am I saying that I was gifted and talented? Nope. But she was a bitch so, there you go. She put me in a different school every year so I never got to settle into anything. My whole life was nothing but screams, hitting, name-calling, abuse, and a lack of stability. I had a whole life of things being taken away before I could really grasp them. Before I was even old enough to realize that I was losing something. What’s my point? My point is that, I’m not a kid anymore. I’m allowed to play music, even if I suck, and I’m allowed to write, even if no one reads it. I can do it because I want to. And contrary to what I was raised to believe, the world will not end if I get to do something I want!

 So, I am formally sticking out my tongue at all of the dumb asses in the world who try to take pieces of happiness from others because they’re so self-centered, unhappy, or just plain evil that they get their kicks from stamping out other people’s spirits. I will have this formal tougue-sticking-outness notarized. 😛

Advertisements

About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Alters, bipolar disorder, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Mania, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatry, PTSD, Rape, self-harm, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Maybe it’s ok to take little steps instead of worrying about the big picture?

  1. Freasha1964 says:

    Right on, Sister! It’s so good to feel your power being owned by YOU, and taken where YOU want to go with it.

    I am thrilled with your viola playing. Somebody has to progress faster than average or there wouldn’t be any numbers to make the average with.

    I hope you can hold on to this, and am glad to know you are considering this a possible bipolar event that is boosting you. I just don’t want you to crash later on. But it is so great that you are using this energy in a positive way regardless of where it is coming from.

    And as for your writing, we all know who read this blog the quality of your writing and the highly expressive nature of it. Speaking for myself, you are a great writer.

  2. L says:

    A good one, I am sticking my tongue out too, can you see it? 😛 😛 😛
    And ohh how true that we had so much taken from us but we are not there now, we are adults now, we can do as we please. I so relate and am interested to know the name of this book that might help me stop my self sabotage. I want to do this and this and this and this but heck no, I might fail, I might do it wrong, it won’t be perfect, it won’t be good enough, etc etc etc so I don’t try. I was thinking about this on the way to work this morning actually. When I went to school I did not learn immediately, these things took time, I did not learn my job on the spot, that very same day so it would be safe to say that learning a skill takes time, it takes time to be good at something.
    What a great post, loved it 🙂
    If the tongue fails there is always the bird 😀

    • tai0316 says:

      Hey!

      So sorry I didn’t reply sooner. If you read my last couple of posts, you know that I’m not as with it as I’d like to be. So, thank you (even though it’s so late) for comment.
      Thank you for sticking your tongue out with me! Oh, and in case you didn’t see the name of the book, it was The War of Art (Not the Art of War lol). I’m still waiting to get it from my library.

  3. castorgirl says:

    This is incredible tai… do you realise that? You’re seeing yourself as worthy of that self care and creativity… you’re doing things because they feel right, good and are positive. That is brilliant!

    I sort of know what you mean about needing to pace yourself though, as the creativity and self care can mean that a door inside your head opens up as more emotions are accessed – music is emotion, writing well is emotion. It sounds like your connecting with both really strongly… That can mean some overwhelming emotions get accessed too, so go gently and balance things out… don’t turn away from them, but don’t rush it too. Hmmm that probably doesn’t make sense, sorry.

    Still doing the happy dance for you…

    Take care,
    CG

    • tai0316 says:

      I don’t know how to reply to this CG, because I already goofed up with all of this now. 😦

      Thank you for the happy dance. And your advice made total sense, like always. 🙂

      • castorgirl says:

        You didn’t goof up… you’re doing positive things for yourself, that’s what matters.

        Sending warm safe hugs your way,
        CG

  4. Paul says:

    I am glad you are respecting where you need to go. I think it’s great you are giving yourself the space you need.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s