Knowing you’re jacked up but not caring


There are several things going on at once.

It started with me hating the way I look more so than usual. I’ve been around a lot of short people recently and it brings back feelings of self-consciousness, of looking like a hulking, unfeminine, ugly, giant. It doesn’t help that people always point out how tall I am. They act like it’s a good thing and oh they’re so jealous blah, blah, blah. I feel like I tower over everyone (which I do), and I feel like I’m less of a woman than the others that I’m around because I’m so tall. That led to me wanting to be smaller and a desire to stop eating.

I’ve tried starving myself before and it never works. I had to think of another way to make myself not eat. I came upon a brilliant plan to think of it punishment.  Aha! It worked. I started to deny myself food and I found that enjoyed the discomfort. I rode that first wave of hunger pains and I knew that once I got past it I could handle it better. At one point I looked at my hand and I noticed my bones. I was fascinated by my bones. It’s weird that I feel like a giant when I’m told how delicate my hands are. I have long fingers that are slim and you can wrap your fingers around my wrists. It doesn’t change how I feel about my body as a whole. As I looked at my hand, I wanted to see more bones. I felt triumphant every hour that I didn’t let myself eat and finally my brain caught up with me and a switch flipped that let me really enjoy the pain in my stomach. I welcomed the shaking that came and I felt good about it. Even while I was doing it, I knew that something was wrong with me. I knew that I shouldn’t be enjoying it but I simply didn’t care. I laughed the longer I went without food and after 2 days and some hours I was feeling really great shaking and feeling light-headed. 2 days was not near enough time though. I had to go to a restaurant with a large group of friends and I said I didn’t want anything to eat and I was so happy when no one questioned it beyond a raised eyebrow. My husband was of course not happy with me doing this. I was riding a wave so high that I smirked when he said I could die. I knew that I wouldn’t die, you can go for a while without food and it was awesome. He then pulled out the “You’re stressing me out a lot because I’m worried about you” card, and I was pissed because he knows that the last thing I want to do, is upset him. That tactic always makes me stop whatever I’m doing. Damn it! He was seriously upset and I don’t do things to hurt him which meant that I had to eat a little to make him calm down. I was so disappointed in myself. Now, I feel like I failed and I have to start over. I went 2 days plus without eating and I know I can do it again. I started over last night and I plan on not eating for as long as possible. I want to see how long I can go. He asked me to promise to eat and I refused because I don’t lie to him. He asked me to promise to try, which I did and I now have to figure out how to do that without eating. I figure that I can truthfully consider eating for a moment and then not let myself.

Creativity is flowing and I’ve got several thousand people reading my little fan fiction. It’s not a lot but at least someone likes it.

I know what this is, I’ve been in similar situations before. When I had my first bipolar breakdown, which we didn’t know at that time was a bipolar breakdown, I went many days without food or sleep and I felt superhuman. I’m not an idiot, I know what’s happening, I simply don’t care.

The other thing is that I’m also living in my fantasy world at every moment that I can. I’m there all day and the second my husband leaves the room I go there. I want to leave this world and live there but I can’t so I have to live in my head. I resent being pulled out of it.

I actually no reason to blog about this but I haven’t written in a while so I figured, why not.

Advertisements

About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in bipolar disorder, dissociation, Mania, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, Psychiatry and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Knowing you’re jacked up but not caring

  1. Freasha1964 says:

    OK, Tai, come on down off the ceiling now. 🙂 I can’t see you up there very well. I have not experienced how great that feeling is, but I imagine it is wonderful. I know your husband has a valid reason to be concerned, and he is a good guy.

    On being tall, I am the shrimp of my family, and above average tall. But not giant. My sister is almost 6 feet. I do have shorter friends who envy my height. They have an issue about being short. (I can reach things that are up high.) Of course, some of them were seriously abused, too, and it is the whole body issue that goes with it, I am betting. I am also betting you have a beautiful body.

    • tai0316 says:

      Hi Freasha,

      So sorry about the lateness in this reply, please don’t take it personally.

      You actually gave me a funny, but accurate image of me clinging to the ceiling with my fingernails, while my husband grabs onto my feet trying to tug me down, and I laugh hysterically saying how fun it is up there.
      That’s about right. Jeez!

      Body image is a bitch isn’t it. Part of my problem is thinking that, if someone says something nice, they’re just being polite. I can’t get past all of the insecurites and then when my brain decides to enjoy feeling bad…well there you go.

      Thank you Freasha and I hope I didn’t offend you by not responding until now.

      • Freasha1964 says:

        Hey Tai,

        Absolutely no offense taken. Your bulk response to all of us was really good enough, although I did like your feedback on my specific reply.

        I was hoping I would help you see some humor in this place I see (saw- things change quickly, don’t they) you. (And you did!) I have found that once someone gets too far up there in the stratosphere it is impossible to pursue them and get them to come down voluntarily. So, your husband hanging on to your feet is a good image, and a relief.

        Body image seems to have everything to do with self image in general. My therapist said I was attractive just yesterday… something we were discussing. Yes, it is easy to believe she was being polite. But she has also been drilling me on the “inner critic” and how it can take away the truth by examining reality in a negative way. (My own version, paraphrased intensely, but I think that is the gist of the inner critic). So, I have been mildly believing it. I think my whole self image has been rising – overall; on a nanoscale of slowness.

        So, you are a busy lady. I am proud of you for the story you are writing on the other blog and for all the positive feedback you have reported. That is great, and a great investment in your time. I think that the goal for all of us might be along the lines of getting away from our trauma injury’s inflictions on living this life that we would otherwise be living. So, writing this sci fi story of yours is doing just that. And the viola, too.

        Good luck at the doctor’s today.

  2. bipolartude says:

    “Inteeeeeense… ” (<– gotta sing that)

    Dear, Tai,

    I have been reading your blog for awhile… I think because I identify with the themes so much. You write so well. I hope that you help out your husband's worries and try to eat. It would be a shame to lose your voice on this particular longitude of the blogosphere.

    if i may be so bold,
    try,
    jt

    • tai0316 says:

      Hi jt,

      I did sing the “intense” part to get the full feeling behind it 😉
      Thank you so much for the compliment, I mean it.
      And yes I did try but even today I’m hating every bite I eat and I’m still trying to figure how to eat as little as possible. I’ll see my doctor today and bring it up, so we’ll see.

      On a totally ridiculous note: did you know that “if I may be so bold?” is one of my favorite phrases? Seriously! It makes me think of Jane Austen. Actually, that would be a weird reference if you’ve never seen Pride and Prejudice with Colin Firth. And…there goes my reply, sliding off the deep end… Sorry, I haven’t had my coffee yet 😀

  3. castorgirl says:

    Hi tai,

    What’s motivating the need to do this? Is there something in the system that’s happening? Do your meds needs adjusting? Have you talked to your therapist and psychiatrist about what’s happening? Are you sick of my questions and not even reading them anymore? Did you read any of them?

    I kinda like you on the ground and doing your thing with all of us. Lots of people care about you and like you for who you are. I’m one of them.

    Take care,
    CG

    • tai0316 says:

      Hey CG,

      Thank you for not only commenting here but emailing me as well. I’ll reply here and address everyone’s comments on this post even though I may come back and reply to each one indivually, I’m not sure.
      I’m actually glad I posted about this because CG pointed out some thing that I have not seen happening with myself. An outside point-of-view can be good.

      If I look back, I can see that something has been off for a while, the problem is that I’m very confused? disconnected? I’m not sure. Where is the line between healing or feeling better or blocking and distracting etc? How do you know the difference? I have therapy today, remember it’s been two weeks since I had a session. Oh, wait, did I mention that I haven’t had therapy for two weeks? I don’t remember. Anyway I have therapy today and I will speak to her about everything, the writing, the food thing, all of it and I’ll post about it later.

      Here’s the “bad” thing, bad in quotes because I don’t feel bad about it: I lost 4lbs in the last couple of days, so guess who’s happy? *points at self*

  4. Hi Tai, I can really relate to this post … about being tall (and hating it) and about the not eating. I get so proud of myself when I manage to not eat for long periods and also feel like a failure when I “give in” and eat something. So part of me is cheering you for not eating at the restaurant because that would have been so hard to do … and part of me is sad that you feel the need to deprive yourself of nourishment.

    I’m trying to get back into the blogosphere …

    take care,
    Dawn

    • tai0316 says:

      Hi Dawn! It’s always so good to see you. And I totally get your comment. I’m going to have to get to the root of all of this behavior so that’s the next goal.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s