I need to sort things out, jeez!

Quick post…

First of all, let me apologize for not keeping up the blog the way I should. I haven’t been responding to comments or posting as much as usual and I’m really sorry. I will go back and read comments and respond as soon as I can. Really, really, sorry!

I just came back from therapy and I’m a little disturbed. I was talking to her about the changes in my behavior, she asked me why I canceled our last appointment and I didn’t know the answer. It was like there was great, big, blank there when I tried to think about it. That’s never happened before. 

Then she really threw me because she went over her notes from our last session two weeks ago and she talked about me crying and all this stuff, and there was a great, big, blank again. I could literally remember everything right up to a certain point, and then, for me it’s like our conversation continued, but what happened in reality was that I switched to a younger part and started crying. Then we talked after the crying and that’s the only part I remember. I don’t remember any crying or anything. I thought our last session was nothing but positive. I couldn’t comment on anything she said because I don’t remember it. Ugh, crap and, phooey!

Now I’m all rattled and irritated.

On a positive note (I guess), she appealed to my logic, which realizes that when you starve yourself, any weight loss you experience isn’t really, real, so to speak. I know that the body goes into starvation mode or whatever. So, anyway, she used logic to make me reconsider the eating thing. It’s a shame too because I lost 4 lbs in 2 days. Dang it!

I’m still manic and it’s gone on long enough that I will be calling my psychiatrist tomorrow. I swear, I don’t know what I will do if he decides to change my meds. There are few things in this world that freak me out more than that.

So to summarize: I’m sorry, I’m crazy and I’m eating. 😉

And a special thanks to CG for watching my back.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Alters, bipolar disorder, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative fugue, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Mania, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatric Drugs, Psychiatric medication, Psychiatry, PTSD, Rape, self-harm, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to I need to sort things out, jeez!

  1. castorgirl says:

    Hi tai,

    You don’t need to apologise for anything! You were in a space where your normal interactions here weren’t possible… that’s ok, as long as you’re ok.

    Try not to get irritated with yourself, sounds like there was some tough things happening for you. Have you talked with your therapist about maybe doing a bit of a recap at the end of the session, so you know what’s been going on? That might help you identify anything that needs to be addressed outside of therapy, and keep you up to date with what’s happening in session. It’s an option anyway…

    I’m glad you’re calling your psychiatrist. I’m glad you’re taking good care of yourself.

    I’m just thankful that I didn’t step on any boundaries by emailing you about being worried for you 🙂

    Take care,

    • tai0316 says:

      Hey CG,

      I’m glad you said something! You’ve known me since I started blogging, and you saw things that I wasn’t aware of.

      With the session recap subject, in the past when I’ve switched during a session, I’m usually aware that something odd happened. Time will have passed and I won’t understand why it’s so late, stuff like that.

      It seems like this time, she thought I knew what had happened because afterwards, she said something to the effect of, ‘Now you know how you felt when you were a little girl etc’. I can remember part of that but I don’t remember what led up to her saying it, the crying stuff. So, I think she thought that I was aware. You’re right of course, now that it’s happened, I will need to ask her to make sure that I know next time. I also gave her permission to call me if I cancel an appointment, especially without giving a reason like I did before. That way we’ll both know if somethng is wrong.

      Thank you again 🙂

      • castorgirl says:

        Good call on giving her permission to contact you if there’s a sudden cancellation… That’s a really good part of a crisis plan.

        I’m glad I could help 🙂

        Take care,

  2. Paul says:

    Yes, you don’t need to apologize. I failed to remember (or read your header) that you were bipolar, so my comment a few posts ago that I just made was probably a bit out of context. Looking at the progression, shows how more manic you became. I cannot imagine the kind of fine balance you need to try to achieve. Or how much work that takes. But, I think you know inside that you need to pay attention to those creative leanings.

    The weight issue is something to be very careful with. Self-punishment is a huge motivator for some. And any kind of eating problem can become out of control. I know you know that. Of all the things that scare me, personally, eating is probably number 1. Given all the range of things that I have done to harm myself, for me to say that says something.

    I hope all goes well. I drop you a note.

    • tai0316 says:

      Hi Paul!

      Don’t worry about missing the bipolar part, it happens. I think it’s actually a problem with my therapist sometimes. I noticed during our session on Monday that she wanted to focus on the emotional aspect, which is of course valid and good, but she tends to be less able to deal with the biology of the situation too. But, I guess that’s why I have a psychaitrist and a therapist. She deals with the talking, he deals with the medical part.

      It’s been really confusing and irritating dealing with two different disorders that have seperate issues but also mingle together. The bipolar stuff can be triggered just like the dissociative stuff can be triggered and when one goes, the other can jump in too. I’m pretty good at telling the difference with the bipolar stuff, most likely because I’m way more familiar with those symptoms, but even this episodes been annoying.

      Sorry, I just started blathering there. Thank you so much for emailing me too, what you said was really helpful!

  3. attached says:


    It must be awful to not remember what happened in sessions or why you cancelled last week. I’m glad that you have realized that not eating was hurting you though I understand the pull to control yourself in that way. I hope the pdoc can adjust your medication to help you more. It must be incredibly difficult to engage in therapy and deal with bipolar illness. I find therapy so destabilizing all on it’s own.


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