What’s behind not eating? My therapist’s thoughts…

Had my session today and I was so weird, even for me. I felt kind of dismissive, which I never am, and I was very disconnected in a way. I already knew what she was going to say about the eating thing so she didn’t surprise me. She said “You’re beautiful the way you are.” Ha! Blah, blah, blah, like I didn’t expect that one. Those words mean nothing because of course she’s going to say that. “You’re not overweight.” Blah, blah, blah. She gave me tips on how to get to the number that I want to get to, weight-wise. Yea, I’ve never heard those ideas before. But of course “You’re not overweight.” once again. Uh huh.

I was like all during the session. Then she started saying that it was obvious that I’m angry at people telling me about the eating thing and I agreed. She tried to get me to acknowledge that I was angry at her and at my husband at even at all of you, for telling me to eat. I completely disagreed because I’m not angry with anyone except myself. I told her that people are trying to tell me not to do something that I want to do, because I like feeling my stomach hurt, I like feeling sick and shaky, blah, blah, blah. She thought that was interesting and in classic therapist fashion latched on to the idea of me wanting control over my own body, my being able to control when I eat, and how that ties into my childhood. According to her, it would be reasonable for me to feel this way considering that my mother controlled everything about me including what I allowed to feel and not letting me express any negative emotions like anger etc. I said “So what. She never starved me.” and she said that it’s not about the food, even though she did mention the tragic “ice cream cone” story that everybody knows. Boohoo. She said that it’s about the message I got my whole life from my various abusers. The: ‘your not worthy of anything, you don’t deserve anything, you’re nothing and I can do whatever I want to you and I can be as mean as I want to because you’re nothing’, message. I made the mistake of telling her about my real father’s wife not feeding me when I was younger and visiting them and she thought that was just another link in the chain of messages that I would have taken in as a kid. She said that my father married someone like my mother so of course that woman would have reinforced what I was already taught to feel about myself.

My therapist wants me to express my anger in writing, the anger towards my mother blah, blah, blah. Who gives a sh*@? I mean seriously! Who gives a sh#@ what I think about my mother, I know I sure as hell don’t. I’m not angry, I want to be punished and I told her that telling me not to do something doesn’t fulfill my desire to be punished. How hard is that to f’cking understand! Telling me I can and can’t do this or that, what the sh%# is that? Don’t get me wrong, none of my words are remotely directed at anyone here. They never would be, you guys are on a totally other level for me so I would never feel that way towards any of you.

It’s f’cking 3 in the morning and I have a headache. Great…


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, bipolar disorder, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, DID, dissociation, Incest, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, self-harm, Sexual Abuse, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

15 Responses to What’s behind not eating? My therapist’s thoughts…

  1. Turquoise says:

    Hearing you: Every time I hear about having to write down your anger, I cannot help but think of Tim Minchin’s Angry (Feet); you can see it at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kH1CvsOhI5I

    it does cheer me up, but then I’m sick!

  2. Pingback: A bit of light relief (for the sick of mind?!) « theurbanworrier

  3. Freasha1964 says:

    Hi Tai,
    I have been there, in my own way. It’s a place that no one can really pull you out of, but I think it helps to keep hearing, physically, through your ears, or eyes, or whatever, that you are a beautiful person, physically, and spiritually. I can speak for your spirit. You are beautiful. If I try to speak of your physical appearance, I am guessing, but you once said your body was the one part of you you were proud of. So I am guessing you are a very attractive woman.

    You asked “who gives a s*^t” ? I do I do. Your post here is actually probably within the realm of writing out your anger, so keep going girl! But get some sleep first!

    • tai0316 says:

      That post did come out rather angry didn’t it ? Thanks Freasha. There was a lot in that post that I’m not in touch with right now so I don’t really know what to say at the moment.

  4. castorgirl says:

    Why do you want to be punished?

    • tai0316 says:

      My answer is: Why wouldn’t I want to be punished? I’m not being a smartass, I’m serious.

      • castorgirl says:

        I know you’re serious, that’s why I asked a serious question. What makes you think that you deserve, and need, to be punished?

        That question might be too overwhelming to think about, not sure…

        Take care,

      • tai0316 says:

        It is a good question CG. Have you ever been to tired or too scared to look that deeply into yourself? That’s a stupid question, I bet you’ve felt that way before.

      • castorgirl says:

        Yes, I’m in that space now… the thing is, sometimes when we’re in that place, that’s when we need to ask those questions… sometimes it’s too overwhelming, and we need to ask the questions when we’re back on solid ground through reflection.

        In my case, the need to punish comes from all the old messages. My therapist calls that need to punish, me turning my anger inwards, rather than outwards towards the people who should be receiving it. It’s feels safer, more controlled, to turn it inwards, but it’s not. Healing is also about learning how to cope with that anger, and manage it appropriately. So yes, do what your therapist suggests and express your anger in safe ways.

        Take care,

      • tai0316 says:

        Hmmm… Cg, you make a really interesting point about directing anger inwards instead of outwards. It’s strange because my therapist said something about that during our last session but I forgot about it until you said something here. I remember when she told me that I need to direct my anger outwards, I thought that was the most outrageous thing I’d ever heard.

        Why would I want to be angry at people? Why would I want to just go around being angry? I asked her who I was supposed to be angry with and she said, my husband or her, whatever and I said, “But, I’m not angry with any of you!” She said that it was ok if I was angry with her, that she didn’t care, as in it doesn’t bother her and I didn’t understand what she wants me to do. I still don’t. It doesn’t feel right to be angry towards anyone but me. Yet, if you said that last sentence to me about yourself, I would tell you that you have no reason to be angry at yourself. Double standards again huh? 🙂

      • Freasha1964 says:

        Let me ‘splain’ you. (Sorry, I could not reply to your last entry, so I have to reply here. It is your 5/13 8:47 comment I am replying to.)

        First, long ago, I heard -probably a therapist said it- that depression is anger turned inward. I have since realized how true this is, at least for me.

        Tai, who could you be angry at out there? Hmm, I wonder. I understand not wanting to be angry at the bloggers, though I bet sometimes there is someone who misunderstands you and offers a solution that doesn’t fit. However, the intentions are all heartfelt.
        Your therapist. I don’t know what she might have said that could have angered you. Perhaps she didn’t. I know that she obviously cares about you and would rather you be angry at her than let the corrosion continue to eat away your insides. She probably has the chemistry -lots of neutralizing agents- to deal with the corrosiveness, and you still are acquiring yours. And by the way, when I got angry at my last therapist, she was out of here, man. That was more than she could handle. Shame. I really think if she could have taken it, I’d be farther along now.
        OK, how about your abusers? You have legitimate reason to be angry at your abusers. Enormously legitimate. And I am sure that somehow they did a jujitsu (I hope this is the right word) on you so that you wound up being angry at yourself for what they did. This is something that comes up over and over on these blogs I have been reading on sex abuse. Maybe any abuse, really. The abuser adds into the mix the magic condition that the victim *deserved* it while perpetrating all the other horrid things.

        And if none of those work, you can be angry at fate. I am often left to take that tack. Nobody really did anything on purpose to me, yet here I am. When I am healthier, I am angry at fate. Before, I was angry at myself more.

        I understand your anger at yourself, I think most of us do. I just hate to see you feeling like this. And yes, that double standard is poking its head up again.

        ps. your sense of humor shines through all, and I sure enjoy it.

      • tai0316 says:

        Thanks Freasha 🙂

        The anger issue is really complex I guess. If I was angry with my therapist, it would have been for what I mentioned to her, which was that I felt she was taking away all of my avenues for punishment. I think I’m still mad about that. I bet some people would ask me why I tell her what I’m doing instead of just keeping it secret but keeping secrets is part of why I’m in therapy and so I tell her everything.

        On a logical level, I know that I have valid reasons to be angry, logic just doesn’t seem to matter sometimes.

        Thank you so, so much for the concern Freasha.

      • castorgirl says:

        Hi tai,

        If you’re anything like me, the thought of going around being angry is just too scary… I turn that into a phrase about being pointless, or mean, or something else negative. But, anger isn’t negative, it’s part of the normal range of human emotions… it’s a vital part of that range! If you can, look at it objectively… you have come to my defence when you saw, or thought, I was being maligned… that is, you got angry on my behalf. Now, look at your past… really look at it. I can think of four people off the top of my head from your past that I would love to be in a locked room with. My anger towards them and what they did to you, is justified. They treated you badly, very very badly. If I can feel anger towards them, why don’t you?

        When I say that healing is about learning to cope with anger, it doesn’t mean that you have to start out being angry with people. I find that too scary, WAY too scary. But, I can express my anger through my art – especially when I’m using pastels. I’ve heard of others who express it through punching a pillow, throwing a ball against a wall, throwing a bucket of ice into a bath of cold water (makes the sound of smashing glass), ripping up a phone book, going for a walk, etc. I do think it’s healing if we can channel that anger towards the places where it is deserved, but I think we sometimes need to learn how to work ourselves up to that point.

        Take care,

      • tai0316 says:

        You hit on a good point CG, anger is very scary to me. But you’re also right that anger can be positive. I would totally knee cap somebody for you. 😉

        You ask a very good question: Why can’t I feel anger towards the abusers? The answer? I have no idea. The concept just doesn’t compute.

        I think I’m going to listen to you and to my therapist and see if I can use art to explore the anger that I shoudl be feeling. Thank you CG, you’re super good to me!

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