Had my session today and I was so weird, even for me. I felt kind of dismissive, which I never am, and I was very disconnected in a way. I already knew what she was going to say about the eating thing so she didn’t surprise me. She said “You’re beautiful the way you are.” Ha! Blah, blah, blah, like I didn’t expect that one. Those words mean nothing because of course she’s going to say that. “You’re not overweight.” Blah, blah, blah. She gave me tips on how to get to the number that I want to get to, weight-wise. Yea, I’ve never heard those ideas before. But of course “You’re not overweight.” once again. Uh huh.
I was like all during the session. Then she started saying that it was obvious that I’m angry at people telling me about the eating thing and I agreed. She tried to get me to acknowledge that I was angry at her and at my husband at even at all of you, for telling me to eat. I completely disagreed because I’m not angry with anyone except myself. I told her that people are trying to tell me not to do something that I want to do, because I like feeling my stomach hurt, I like feeling sick and shaky, blah, blah, blah. She thought that was interesting and in classic therapist fashion latched on to the idea of me wanting control over my own body, my being able to control when I eat, and how that ties into my childhood. According to her, it would be reasonable for me to feel this way considering that my mother controlled everything about me including what I allowed to feel and not letting me express any negative emotions like anger etc. I said “So what. She never starved me.” and she said that it’s not about the food, even though she did mention the tragic “ice cream cone” story that everybody knows. Boohoo. She said that it’s about the message I got my whole life from my various abusers. The: ‘your not worthy of anything, you don’t deserve anything, you’re nothing and I can do whatever I want to you and I can be as mean as I want to because you’re nothing’, message. I made the mistake of telling her about my real father’s wife not feeding me when I was younger and visiting them and she thought that was just another link in the chain of messages that I would have taken in as a kid. She said that my father married someone like my mother so of course that woman would have reinforced what I was already taught to feel about myself.
My therapist wants me to express my anger in writing, the anger towards my mother blah, blah, blah. Who gives a sh*@? I mean seriously! Who gives a sh#@ what I think about my mother, I know I sure as hell don’t. I’m not angry, I want to be punished and I told her that telling me not to do something doesn’t fulfill my desire to be punished. How hard is that to f’cking understand! Telling me I can and can’t do this or that, what the sh%# is that? Don’t get me wrong, none of my words are remotely directed at anyone here. They never would be, you guys are on a totally other level for me so I would never feel that way towards any of you.
It’s f’cking 3 in the morning and I have a headache. Great…