Shaken up and triggered by something that shouldn’t have been so big


I had a group of friends over today to watch a movie. Everything was going fine. I get stressed out whenever people are over anyway, but it was a girl’s only thing and I never get to do that so I was excited despite the stress. Things were going well, everyone was happy and by chance one of the women mentioned the ice cream that I told you guys about, the brand that is the same name as the special name my uncle had for me. Everyone started discussing it and they just kept saying the name over and over. I tried to shake it off and I did ok. Later, one of the women who comes from another country, was talking about wildflowers that grow where she’s from and one of the flowers that she loves is the same name and she started talking about it. They were totally unrelated and the conversations took place probably at least an hour or more apart. Emotionally, I did not handle it well. I felt my eyes start to water and I knew I was freaking out. I couldn’t lose it though because I had a group of friends over who couldn’t see me start screaming and curl up in a ball in the corner. I sat there for a moment thinking I could let it pass but then I acted like I had something to do upstairs and went up for a couple of minutes and then came back. No one knew anything, I hosted the party like normal. But, after another hour maybe, I had images of hurting myself. Now, everyone has left and I know I’m going to do something. I can’t go for a walk because my husband is coming home and it’s going to rain here soon. I don’t have an out right now and I honestly have no interest in telling him anything because I’m feeling an unusual shame and weakness. I feel like I’m a weak person for being abused. I feel dirty and I feel like a leper. I feel like I can’t share this with him because it’s so dirty and I’m embarrassed to have had this happen to me and to be so weak that I let it happen and that I’m letting it bother me and that I’m handling it so badly. I have no out, no distraction and I feel like I deserve this. I honestly don’t want to be stopped. I just needed to say something to someone, god this hurts.

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, DID, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Rape, self-harm, Sexual Abuse and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

20 Responses to Shaken up and triggered by something that shouldn’t have been so big

  1. I can remember walking through the grocery store and avoiding the dairy aisle because of a certain brand of milk, the name of which brought to mind an unsavory memory…flash forward ten years…I now live in my childhood town, the source of this association, but I have been set free! There is hope, you are not alone, be encouraged!

    Many blessings,
    Juniper

  2. catherine says:

    try writing on the place on your body that you usually self-harm. something like “i’m safe now” or “he can’t hurt me” or “i am loved and lovable…” … whatever you need to hear right now. it’s a trick i use and it usually works.

    • tai0316 says:

      My first thought was: what do you write with, and that I couldn’t let my husband see anything on my arm because he would question me about it which would make things worse.

      • catherine says:

        well i use a sharpie! but i guess that won’t work if you are trying to not let your husband see. but maybe you could try it with long sleeves. you’ve been hurt enough. it’s time for some healing. sending hugs.

      • tai0316 says:

        A sharpie is a good idea catherine, it sucks that May is a little too warm for long-sleeves huh?

  3. callmeams says:

    Hang in there Tai. I know how you feel. I freaked out over a shirt. I’m praying for you.

    Amy

  4. meredith says:

    Leave a note on the refrigerator, tai; all it has to say is, “having a tight night.” This is kind of a courtesy rule… and this doesn’t have anything to do with the “why” of what’s going on. This is just a generic kind of heads up to let the guy know you’re having Freaky Friday so that he can have a heads up before he sees you.

    And that’s love in action. It’s being thoughtful. Doesn’t have to be about any more than that.

    Nope.
    ~meredith~

  5. Freasha1964 says:

    Tai,

    I imagine I am several hours too late. Quick, get your viola out.

    Please, please. Think of how we are all one in a sense, and when you hurt Tai, you hurt me, too; and the others who are cheering you on. While I can’t expect good news all the time, I hate to see you take a dive like this.

    What your uncle called you, what the ice cream and the flower are named, none of this was your fault. Who would have guessed this would become a trigger? Your abuser is the weak person. You are the strong one. You are the upstanding one. You are the kind, and compassionate one who would never hurt anybody. I do get the double standard; been there. And by doing this, I am asking for getting this same argument back some day when I feel like I am unworthy. But Tai, don’t hurt you because you will hurt me, too. Seriously. And I am pretty sure you don’t want to.

    • tai0316 says:

      I don’t seek to hurt anyone. I didn’t do nearly as much damage as I had hoped for so that’s the only thing I can say.

      Thanks for writing, your sincerity was clear and I appreciate it.

  6. castorgirl says:

    Hi tai,

    Please don’t minimise what happened. You were stuck in a situation where you were being triggered, those around you were unaware of this and having a good time. I bet they were probably even smiling and laughing as the conversation went on. They might have noticed you becoming a little withdrawn, or you may have started acting a little stilted… but they wouldn’t have known the chaos inside your head. This contradiction between the internal pain being caused by the trigger, and the external appearance of people still having fun, often creates a further confusion for me (especially the young ones)… they see it as invalidating their pain, no matter how much that is not the intention of those around me. It’s really difficult… really difficult. It possibly felt unsafe to say anything at the time, and it can be like a deer caught in the headlights… your mind is screaming STOP, but you need to appear “normal” for the people around you…

    I’m so so sorry this happened tai. It isn’t a small thing. It’s a big as it needs to be. Yes, we can learn to cope with the trigger reactions, and take the sting off the responses, but that takes time and healing. You did an great job by reaching out… a really great job. Not that long ago, would you have been able to reach out before self-injuring? Would you have thought of all the others things you could do instead of self-injuring? Possibly not, but this time you did. Next time, you might be able to distract for a little longer.

    Don’t be so hard on yourself… please.

    Take care,
    CG

    • tai0316 says:

      No, I wouldn’t have reached out before but I failed anyway. I’m just…broken and…I don’t know what else. I’m real and I’m not real but the real part isn’t actually real, it’s pretend.

      • castorgirl says:

        But you succeeded in reaching out BEFORE you self-injured. Self injury is not something that you can stop on a whim; it takes time, healing and work. You’re in the process of doing that work, so don’t beat yourself up too much… Yes, want to change the behaviours, but don’t be too harsh.

        I know that feeling of brokenness, and I’m really sorry you’re in that place. I’ve just come from therapy, and Allison reminded me that those feelings are often a response to something overwhelming on the inside – even if we’re not aware of it. It’s a great way to dull the feelings and try to keep on going. Try to go gently, and do what soothing things you can (viola, walk, read, play games…).

        Sending warm safe hugs your way…
        Take care,
        CG

      • tai0316 says:

        Jeez, I don’t even want to think about what’s on the inside. I’m already done in.

  7. I could have written this post.. so many of your feelings are mine..

    I don’t have DID…..actively or officially anyway..

    But, I am Bipolar, have PTSD, OCD and anxiety as well as severe Fibromyalgia.

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