So, along with ridiculously annoying doctor/medical issues, my therapist has had a serious family emergency. Her grandson was diagnosed with a rare cancer and she will be out-of-town for at least 6 weeks, perhaps longer, during his treatments.
Obviously, my concern is for her and her family and I my biggest desire is to leave her to her family so they can support each other. She asked me to come in today so we could discuss the plan for the upcoming month and weeks. She’s doing this with clients that she sees at least once a week because she intends on keeping in touch with us. She gave me her email address, which I didn’t know she had, and her cell phone number (boy is she brave). I immediately told her that I don’t feel comfortable calling her during this serious family time. She told me to knock it off and told me that she wants me to check in at least once a week. She asked me which method of contact I liked better and I said email because it’s less intrusive. She is insisting that I check in weekly and tell her how I’m really doing. I agreed but I can say here that I will only be saying “I’m fine”. I just can’t handle the idea of trying to tell her my problems while she’s dealing with this.
So, that leaves a problem: the fact that I will still have real problems. I was freaking out more and more every second I spent in her presence today. I tried to hide it so that she wouldn’t even think of me after I left her office. I think I did ok.
Then I decided to go the library to be around books and I had a moderate panic attack. Please keep in mind that I worked in a library for 8 years, including the location I went to today. I know the people who work there, it shouldn’t been so bad. That shouldn’t have happened but I was practically frozen in fear and paralyzed when I thought someone might be staring at me. I tried to hide among different shelves but I felt exposed and in danger the whole time. I finally had to get up enough courage to get out there because it was the only way to get home.
This is not a good start. My therapist has a couple of associates who have agreed to do sessions if some of us need them, but I can’t just jump in with someone who doesn’t even know me. She mentioned going to my psychiatrist, but he is only a psychiatrist, he doesn’t do talking, that’s why he sent me to her. I will call him though if I start getting overwhelmed, even if it’s to get medication to carry me through a rough patch.
She said that she may be gone through the first weeks of July. This is frightening, but I’m also sincerely worried for her grandson and her family. I want everything to go well for them all. The two desires are weird. I don’t feel abandoned by her at all, I just feel…scared, exposed and very, very, alone. I wasn’t out of her office for less than half an hour before I started panicking. That doesn’t bode well.
On the other side, my medical issues are jacking with my head big time. I’ve mentioned the two-plus years of recurring lymph node swelling and pain and fatigue, blah, blah, blah. I went to my ENT doctor for a follow-up after my parotid gland was sticking out of my face and for the swelling of my carotid artery. He said, “Your body is just weird.” ;“People get colds 12 times a year. I’ve heard taking zinc might help, also try washing your hands and not getting sick.” That was all he said. He left, and I paid my co-pay. It made me feel like I was less than a person, like he just dismissed me, like I don’t matter.
I wouldn’t care about swollen glands and fatigue and other stuff but, it’s been happening for two years, every month, and it affects my life. My hands turn to ice for hours, my neck hurts wherever the node is swollen, and I end up in bed, but not really sick like when you have a cold or the flu. Being brushed off like that really got to me, and the symptoms have gotten to me. It’s felt like too much lately and I just haven’t been handling it well. Today is just…not good. I’m tired in body and spirit, and I feel like making that doctor’s perception real and just disappearing.