Message Received


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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Art Therapy, dissociative identity disorder, self-harm and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Message Received

  1. callmeams says:

    I’m sorry you are feeling this way. However, I noticed that you have a couple of really pretty images mixed in with the hateful words. It seems to me that the good stuff is there, but it’s getting caught up in the harsh emotions.

  2. empty says:

    Don’t you fell like you’re between a rock and a hard place? I understand the difficulty when the voices seem to be working against you. But there are always others working with and for you.

    I think I’ve asked this before, but do you remember doing all or some of the collages? I never have any memory of what my parts do.

    jo

    • tai0316 says:

      jo 🙂

      I remember but, there was a driving force behind them that wasn’t all me. Actually the words themselves were very much an intense conversation I heard from parts that I don’t even understand.

      Thank you for being here jo 🙂

      • empty says:

        I don’t mean to be intrusive, but could you explain more on the parts you don’t understand? I’ve been having rather strange feelings from parts, but am not sure which ones.
        jo

      • tai0316 says:

        Jo, you’re not being intrusive at all. I haven’t quite woken up yet, but when I’m more coherent I’ll write about it and hopefully it will make sense. 🙂

      • tai0316 says:

        I don’t know how much what I say can help jo. We all experience DID in different ways. Maybe if you could tell me what’s going on I could be more specific? You can email me. Anyway,
        when I did the collages as often happens I feel a sense of duality or more like way more than duality. There can be a sense of detachment but most often I (The Host) feel a driving need to make a collage. Then as I start the work starts coming together on its own without much conscious input from me. I’m aware of what I see and what they mean, mostly but my parts almost work together to form the pictures.

        When I say that there are parts that I don’t understand, there are alters, voices, that talk in my head and I don’t know who they are in that I haven’t identified them by characteristics or names yet. There can feel like many. MY therapist might think that they are the same parts that she has encountered in therapy but I am very sure that they are not. She may have met my angry 17 year-old alter but if another angry part shows upm ican tell they are not the same even if I’m only co-conscious. When I am alone at home, say like when I was doing the collage with all the messages, the best way that I can describe it, is like there were many parts, most unidentified, sitting around casually having a conversation with each other while they watched me do the set on Polyvore. I would start a thought but they chimed in by talking each other and making sure that I knew they wanted me to hear them. They wanted me to feel their derision and impatience with me etc. So, because I don’t hide things when I make collages, I openly communicated what they wanted me to know.

        There was another occasion, when I was alone at home, a day or so after a session that I felt “someone” was trying to break through and that “person” was terrifying. I felt that if I didn’t fight to stay present somwthing terrible would be unleashed. I don’t mean that it would have hurt someone else but I am always prone to self-destruction. It went beyond that though, it was like an entire entity that I couldn’t handle so I fought ahrd to keep it away. I have never understood what happened or who that was but I’m always scared that it will come back. The struggle to stay present then was unlike anything I had ever felt before.

        I keep a list of parts that I actually know about whether it’s their characteristics or by a name they use or accept. There are parts that I do not know. How many? I have no idea. Strange feeling definitely come and go and they can be scary and troubling. If I can help more jo, please either comment here (other people may have some helpful information) or email me at tai0316@live.com

        safe hugs to you jo…

  3. empty says:

    I should really be writing this on my blog. You’ve been a big help. When you mention about doing your collages, that’s how it is when I write.

    I have several parts that I can’t identify. I have names & ages for several, but can’t distinguish who’s who. For me I don’t understand most of my parts. I can feel them listening at my therapy sessions, but they rarely come out.

    I told my therapist I’d do some writing, but it’s scarey, not knowing what my hands will write.

    Part of my problem is my therapist & I aren’t sure what’s exactly going on with me now. He speculates, but I think we’re not sure what direction to turn. Currently we’re working on my fear of the unknown & my suicidal ideation.

    I used to have index cards of my parts & whatever info I knew. But I tossed everything when I was planning my suicide. I’ll have to ask my therapist for his cards, so I can copy.

    Thanks for the email. You’ll probably hear from me. Meredith has also been a huge help. Sometimes there’s things I need to ask, but am too embarrassed or it’s too private to put on my blog.

    jo

    • tai0316 says:

      I want you to know how happy I am to hear you say that you’re working on things jo. You’re so amazing and I’ve missed you so much. I’m glad you’re here and doing good work. 🙂

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