Mumbles and ramblings


I dreamed about my aunt the other night, the one married to my abuser, or should I say one of them as my mother played a lovely role of her own even if it wasn’t sexual.

I dreamed that my aunt told me that I came over to their house all of the time when I was little. even though I know he abused me, and there’s a picture of a room in my head, I have no memory of going to their house. She then told me that their marriage had always been a sham, that they were never really a happy couple. I think I picked up on their relationship when I was little. It doesn’t mean anything but I dreamed it and I remember being happy that she validated that I was at their house. Of course this validation is meaningless as it was a dream.

second, I bought a dress for my doll. A while back I wrote that i had found a vintage baby doll on Ebay that looked like one I would have had as a child. I was looking for a very specific doll and because this one came with no clothes, it was easy to see that I had found the one I wanted. She favored me of course which was necessary. For the longest time I let her stay naked, I felt like she deserved nothing including the respect of clothing. The other week I finally realized that I wanted her to be dressed, she deserved it and so I went back on eBay and found a little dress for her. I don’t hate he anymore which is good. She’s now just a toy and she’s with the other toys and crayons and books that are for my younger parts. I didn’t realize how much the doll not having clothing bothered my husband so he was especially happy that I dressed her. He knew that she pictured me and that I wanted many times to rip her head off so he’s better now.

My physical pain level continues to increase. It’s amazing because there are things you simply can’t fake no matter how mental you are, like swelling lymph nodes that occur every single day and cause pain, blood tests that imply muscle damage, ice-cold hands in warm waether, and multiple recurring infections etc. No one will listen. I have an appointment at a rheumatologist this month and we’ll see if anyone listens. I expect nothing. Absolutely nothing. And yet I can keep a little hope for an answer. I hate that about me, it just sets me up to be more upset when they find nothing.

I don’t like taking any meds except those which are needed for my survival like psych meds so I don’t kill myself or make my husband’s life miserable. But today I dug out old meds until I found Vicodin. I hate those kinds of drugs but I found some and by God I took one. I will keep taking them so I can live with this pain.

I don’t talk about my physical pain very much to people. It’s none of their business and people tend to look at things through their own experiences. They can always find a reason why their pain is worse. I try not to be like that because it’s rude and selfish. So, I’m going to describe it a bit here because I can be selfish here sometimes. No one has to read it, God knows it only matters to me and to my poor husband who is forced to live with me. I honestly don’t know how he does it. He’s a good, good man.

Hmmm…the pain, what’s it like?

I’ve been diagnosed with fibromyalgia since I was 14 so that’s been 20 years. Congrats to me. The pain has never stopped for one second, of one day of that time. Sometimes, things become so much a part of your life that they become background noise. For a while, this was background noise with flare-ups from time to time. It’s like a gas burner that’s always on and sometimes the flame gets turned up a bit higher and then much higher. I burn. I burn everyday from the soles of my feet to my scalp and it never, ever stops for one second. The flame either goes down a little or it goes up. When it’s very bad like now, it hurts to breathe. It always hurts when someone touches my skin it just depends on the day as to how bad it is. Sometimes I can walk well, and sometimes it feels like I might collapse from the pain. It feels like someone is literally slicing the skin of my body , and I’m so used to pain that I can still write this while feeling it. It burns so much. I have found my box of drugs and I will take whatever I can to get through this. I will see another useless doctor this month who will look at the ultrasounds of my face and neck and blood tests and scratch his head and say that although things look weird or are off here and there, they can’t figure anything out.

If that happens again, maybe I’ll just decide to die. There’s only so much a body and mind can go through before it gives up. Could things be worse? Yes. Am I the sickest person in my city or even my neighborhood? I’m sure not. I’m just weak and I’m tired of no one listening. I’m tired of being dismissed. I’m tired of some doctors wanting to belive this is in my mind. You can’t make your glands swell up out of your face or neck, you can’t fake blood tests, even small ones. No one cares because they don’t have to feel it. Good for them.

I have a lot of undirected anger these days. I say undirected because I’m not taking it out on anyone. I just wish I could be alone, but I try to be ok with my husband because he deserves it. I want answers, I want the pain to stop. I want to have maybe 3 or 4 things to handle instead of 6 or 7. I hate the human race (except you all of course). I hate myself because I’m useless and I do nothing but experience pain and bring that into my home.

My therapist is leaving tomorrow for at least six weeks and I will be alone in a way that I haven’t been since 2001. I am a selfish creature for reacting so badly to this. That just makes me more wonderful. Aren’t I a gem?

Well, I took a Vicodin and now, I can force myself to not scream out loud. I guess that’s called ‘taking the edge off”. I found some old Percocet, I wonder if that will help later. The cool things is, that meds like these work maybe for one dose and then they stop. That’s why I dig them out in emergencies like this because I’ve got one dose that can take the fire down a bit and then it won’t work anymore. Haha, joke of the universe at least for today.

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Alters, bipolar disorder, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Dreams, fibromyalgia, Incest, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatry, PTSD, Rape, self-harm, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to Mumbles and ramblings

  1. empty says:

    You’re not selfish. When my therapist is gone I panic, but he always tells me to call anytime. I won’t, but it’s a nice reassurance. I also have another therapist I see when my therapist is gone. He used to treat me when I was hospitalized. Is there someone else you can see during the six weeks? I’m sure that’s got to be extremely stressful. I think it’s normal for anyone in therapy to go into panic mode when their therapist is gone. Have you created some sort of back-up plan in case of an emergency?

    I know someone whose daughter has fibromyalgia. Not a good thing. I hope when you meet with the rheumatologist you can get more answers and something to better manage it.

    I think some dreams are a form of validation. Sometimes we want them to be, but then there are the one’s we pray aren’t any validation.

    Hope you get some relief.

    jo

    • tai0316 says:

      Hey jo,

      I agree, some dreams are validation. Unfortuantely in this case, I know it’s just wishful thinking because these are the questions I would ask her if I could.

      Thank you for the support. 🙂

  2. Freasha1964 says:

    Tai,

    Jo said it well, a lot of what I want to say. I agree that dreams can be validation, and definitely give a snap shot of where you are “living” at the moment. I suspect that you were at the house, even though you don’t consciously remember it, and that your aunt’s marriage was a sham. Mostly, they have personal meaning.

    There was a time from about 3 years ago until last year that I felt totally panicked and abandoned if my therapist mentioned anything about leaving. I guess it is the little girl that is inside that she promised to take care of, that I couldn’t care for myself because when I was her, which was often back then, I was not old enough to survive on my own. Crazy for someone as independent as I have been most of my life. I am so sorry that this is happening to you. I believe you and I take you very seriously. And I don’t think you are being selfish. It is just that you were trained that you don’t count. I say you do. We all do. Breaking the training is hard. But remember it was your mother who trained you.

    My friend found acupuncture treatments helped a lot for her for her fibromyalgia. I guess she just goes regularly.

    I am glad you dressed the doll and don’t want to harm her. That is big progress, Tai.

    Keep blogging and letting us know what is happening. And try to send your therapist an e-mail that at least hints at where you are right now, if not a real, vivid reflection.

    Warmly, Freasha

    • tai0316 says:

      Thank you Freasha 🙂

      I’m not sure what treatments would help the fibro stuff, people can barely touch me but I’d try about anything.

      The doll was a good thing, so I’m glad about that.

      And I will keep blogging, I’ll have to so I can process this stuff, yikes!

      • Freasha1964 says:

        With acupuncture, they do barely have to touch you. I have had it. Maybe you could ask around to see if there is someone who specializes in treatment of fibromyalgia with acupuncture. And maybe try a couple or three if the first practitioner doesn’t help. I sure hope you can get some relief soon. This sounds horrible.

  3. castorgirl says:

    Hi tai,

    I have no idea of the level of pain that you must be going through. I have been told that the worst kind of pain is the chronic, persistent pain. It’s so depressing because there’s no sign of it ending. I’m so sorry you experience that. I’m so sorry that the doctors are passing the buck and scratching their heads… if you’re anything like me, knowing what the problem is gives you something to battle. If you don’t know, then it’s like you have nothing to direct your energy at… so frustrating, and just adds to the depression. You also start to doubt yourself… I’m glad you can reality check that with the swollen glands etc.

    I’m so glad you brought a dress for your doll and that she is now accepted into the toy family. That sounds like huge progress…

    It’s not selfish to worry about the time without your therapist… that’s normal. Please remember to do the check-ins with her. Do you have the numbers of the other therapists that she recommended if you feel the need to talk to someone? It doesn’t have to be a deep conversation, but sometimes touching base with someone can be incredibly helpful and grounding.

    I hope the rheumatologist can help…

    Take care,
    CG

    • tai0316 says:

      Thanks CG, really.

      I know how hard things are for you and I really appreciate you taking the time to try and make me feel better. The doll was good progress, yeah.

      You reminded me that I need to check in with my therapist today…oops 🙂

      • castorgirl says:

        hmmm… “try and make me feel better” huh??? So I like failed huh??? Must. try. harder. 🙂

      • tai0316 says:

        Ha! More like “try” because you made an effort, I’m just not able to feel what I should be feeling. Of course I didn’t miss your silliness either, which did make me smile so you succeeded there. 🙂

  4. Tai, I am sorry I have been out of touch with your blog for a while. When I saw your comment on CG’s blog I clicked over hoping that I would find you in a good place. So, I’m sad that you are having such a hard time right now. Of course I do hope you find answers and get good help. I can only imagine how the many years of pain you have dealt with has worn you down. None of the doctors have given you good pain management advice? Pain management is such a hot area right now, and a lot of knowledge. Of course I also want to challenge you on the judgments about how you see yourself. But I know you needed to say what you said. Hope you feel better. Thinking of you.

    • tai0316 says:

      Hi Paul,

      Please don’t apologize for not reading the blog, you are a very busy guy. 🙂 No one has ever brought up pain management before. I wonder if it’s difficuclt if they can’t figure out where the pain comes from? I don’t know, or maybe I’ve tried what they’ve said like, ibuprofen, baths, etc. Not sure.

      I had to laugh because you said you want to challenge me on my judgments on how O see myself. First, I love that phrase when you use it because it sounds like I’m going to have to think about something on a different level. 🙂 I’m not even sure what I said though so I’d have to go back and read this post to see what I comments I made about myself.

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