I did what I was supposed to and I checked in with my therapist while she is out out-of-town. I wasn’t surprised that she acknowledged receiving it, what surprised me was that the next day she had actually thought about something I said and she sent some advice. I’ll share it because many of us have these kind of issues and I figured it might help to see someone else’s therapist say something. I’ll quote directly:
“I thought of something which you may already be doing. When you feel sad,
scared, mad about your separation from me, label the feeling(s), then recognize
that it is triggering the feelings that you experienced when you were six years
old and separated from your grandmother and go as deeply into the feeling as you
can. Let me be sitting with you when you feel that pain, if that helps. Then
decide how to take care of the feeling in the present, which you couldn’t do in
the past, like call me, or tell (my husband’s name was here), or write to me, etc. Separation is a core issue for you and needs to be taken very seriously, in other words,
deserves your attention as something very important.”
I was surprised that she took the time to think about what I said. All I mentioned in my check-in was that I had realized that I’m dependent on her, which I haven’t been before and that it gives me something to work on. I didn’t think she’d actually care so-to-speak. Huh.
On the other side, everyday I keep having this phrase repeat in my head once a day: “I want to die.” What is that about? I don’t feel suicidal. When the phrase occurs, i know that at that moment I’m feeling kind of overwhelmed by life and physical pain and responsibilities and expectations and whatever, but that’s a drastic thought. What really confuses me is the repetition and the simplicity of the phrase. It comes as easily and as naturally as taking a breath, no thought needed; “I want to die.” Just that. It’s getting my attention but I don’t know what to do about it, since I have no plans to do anything. In fact, I tried to do something positive and I took a walk in my neighborhood on Monday and then today I tried geo-caching for the first time, using my Droid phone. It was actually interesting so that was good. The problem is that nothing sticks, you know? You can do stuff but then when you’re done there’s still the other stuff that doesn’t go away. I’m fatter than I was ,and I wish I could starve myself again but I know that the last time it backfired. So, now I’ve gained weight (like 8 lbs!!!) and yes I know I was sick with gland stuff but jeez! So, I’m unhappy. We’re having a get-together this weekend (to make my husband happy) and I just don’t care. It means dealing with people, and there are things that I have to do tonight and Sunday that will require putting on an act so that people don’t think badly of me in connection with the party.
I feel like I have needs that aren’t being met but they’re more internal, inside my own head, not anything that someone else could do something about.
It made me think about my Carnival entry last month on coping. I did a collage about fantasy being my escape. Well now, I can’t even do that and that’s causing some major problems inside. I’m not sure what’s happened. Something is off, but I can’t pinpoint it. I should check and see if one of my new meds causes weight gain though. That would make me feel better, like I can take control of something.
Oh, I should also apologize if I don’t respond right away to comments. I am reading them, I’m just having a hard time thinking and getting my responses together. So don’t stop talking ok?