I was surprised that my therapist actually responded to my email “check-in”

I did what I was supposed to and I checked in with my therapist while she is out out-of-town. I wasn’t surprised that she acknowledged receiving it, what surprised me was that the next day she had actually thought about something I said and she sent some advice. I’ll share it because many of us have these kind of issues and I figured it might help to see someone else’s therapist say something. I’ll quote directly:

“I thought of something which you may already be doing.  When you feel sad,
scared, mad about your separation from me, label the feeling(s), then recognize
that it is triggering the feelings that you experienced when you were six years
old and separated from your grandmother and go as deeply into the feeling as you
can.  Let me be sitting with you when you feel that pain, if that helps.  Then
decide how to take care of the feeling in the present, which you couldn’t do in
the past, like call me, or tell (my husband’s name was here), or write to me, etc.  Separation is a core issue for you and needs to be taken very seriously, in other words,
deserves your attention as something very important.”

I was surprised that she took the time to think about what I said. All I mentioned in my check-in was that I had realized that I’m dependent on her, which I haven’t been before and that it gives me something to work on. I didn’t think she’d actually care so-to-speak. Huh.

On the other side, everyday I keep having this phrase repeat in my head once a day: “I want to die.” What is that about? I don’t feel suicidal. When the phrase occurs, i know that at that moment I’m feeling kind of overwhelmed by life and physical pain and responsibilities and expectations and whatever, but that’s a drastic thought. What really confuses me is the repetition and the simplicity of the phrase. It comes as easily and as naturally as taking a breath, no thought needed; “I want to die.” Just that. It’s getting my attention but I don’t know what to do about it, since I have no plans to do anything. In fact, I tried to do something positive and I took a walk in my neighborhood on Monday and then today I tried geo-caching for the first time, using my Droid phone. It was actually interesting so that was good. The problem is that nothing sticks, you know? You can do stuff but then when you’re done there’s still the other stuff that doesn’t go away. I’m fatter than I was ,and I wish I could starve myself again but I know that the last time it backfired. So, now I’ve gained weight (like 8 lbs!!!) and yes I know I was sick with gland stuff but jeez! So, I’m unhappy. We’re having a get-together this weekend (to make my husband happy) and I just don’t care. It means dealing with people, and there are things that I have to do tonight and Sunday that will require putting on an act so that people don’t think badly of me in connection with the party.

I feel like I have needs that aren’t being met but they’re more internal, inside my own head, not anything that someone else could do something about.

It made me think about my Carnival entry last month on coping. I did a collage about fantasy being my escape. Well now, I can’t even do that and that’s causing some major problems inside. I’m not sure what’s happened. Something is off, but I can’t pinpoint it. I should check and see if one of my new meds causes weight gain though. That would make me feel better, like I can take control of something.

Oh, I should also apologize if I don’t respond right away to comments. I am reading them, I’m just having a hard time thinking and getting my responses together. So don’t stop talking ok?


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Alters, bipolar disorder, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Dreams, fibromyalgia, headaches, Incest, Intimacy, Mania, Meds, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatric Drugs, Psychiatric medication, Psychiatry, PTSD, Rape, self-harm, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to I was surprised that my therapist actually responded to my email “check-in”

  1. fellow survivor says:

    Good that you wrote to your therapist and good that she wrote back! Maybe noticing her care is part of the work for now…

  2. empty says:

    Just hearing back from your therapist says a lot. She obviously cares about your well-being. What she wrote made me think a bit. Sometimes we forget what the therapist says and need some reinforcement.

    I know how important control is, since some of us never had that growing up. Problem is, there is positive control and negative control. I have more negative control.

  3. callmeams says:

    I;m so proud of you for following through with the check in with your therapist. I’m also so glad she was able to write back and provide some support to you.

    When you said that you keep having the words “I want to die” repeat in your head, I wonder if it isn’t more of “I want the pain and stress and hassle and hard work of living life to stop.” Not necessarily that you want to be dead, but that you just want life to stop attacking you. I understand this because when I get stressed I also end up feeling like I want to die even though logically I know I just want the stress to stop.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers and I’m going to take a page from Lisa’s book and say “be good to yourself.”

    • tai0316 says:

      I think you make a good point Amy and a good connection about the words and my current situation. You’re right that I’m not actually interesting in being dead. Stress is a bitch. 🙂

      Thank you for the thoughts Amy 🙂

  4. Freasha1964 says:

    I am so glad your therapist replied, Tai. I think you really needed to have that validation that you are important, and the help with what to do with these feelings, and even to be aware that these are feelings that are piggybacking on your past. Because I already am convinced that she is a good, caring therapist, I am not surprised that she replied or what she said. In fact, these are helpful words for me, too.
    My fears when contacting my previous therapist were exactly that she WOULD NOT reply and then I would feel so much more abandoned.

    I will keep reading and writing. No worries here if you don’t reply right away.

    • tai0316 says:

      Hi Freasha,

      I’m glad the words were helpful for you too.

      My therapist has a way with making connections. I wouldn’t have thought that I had abandonment issues or anything or connected that to my grandmother. Thank you for sticking with the blog when I’m not as present as I’d like to be. 🙂

  5. castorgirl says:

    Hi tai,

    I’m so glad your therapist both acknowledged your email, and then followed up on the content.

    Reading this made me wonder how much of the voice saying “I want to die” is associated with the separation issues? Separation issues are a big one, and they can lead to overwhelming feelings. You say that you feel as if there is an internal need that is not being met… I wonder if this is linked to the separation from your therapist and the message about wanting to die? If there is a part who is feeling the separation very intensely, and it’s triggering all the issues about separation from your grandmother, then it makes sense that they would want to die – and it might not be that they want to die as such, but they don’t know what to do with the emotions, so want to escape them, and the only language they know for that is to die.

    That is all obviously huge speculation on my part… but some internal self soothing couldn’t hurt. What about some ice cream? Or taking photos? Going for a walk and see all the beauty of summer? All the while reassuring those parts who are scared that their fears are reasonable considering what has happened in the past, but it doesn’t always have to be like that… proof is your therapist responding to you.

    Take care,

    PS me stop talking… lol… just try stopping me 🙂

    • tai0316 says:

      Wow CG, you are on the ball! How do you come up with logical connections like that!? I’m going to think about what you said, I say think about because, my brain literally isn’t functioning close to 100% right now and I’m doing my best.

      We had that get together last night and I’m not handling that well either.

      Thank you for being here CG, really, I mean it.

  6. Sorry you’re having such a hard time tai. Please don’t beat yourself up about feeling dependant on your therapist; I think that’s only natural when you have such intense personal work to do with her over such a long period of time. I think it’s great that she is keeping in touch with you via email and thanks for including that piece of advice. I am sorry I haven’t been around much, but I do have you in my thoughts often. Dawn

    • tai0316 says:

      Dawn, don’t worry about being around. I know that we’re both in each other’s thoughts and you have a lot going on like many of us. 🙂

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