Messages Repeating

Those words, “I want to die.” or “I wish I was dead.” are repeating more now.

We had our little group get-together yesterday and I felt like many people have: alone in a room full of people. Actually the room wasn’t full at all, we kept it small, but it took so much energy just to have people in my home watching a movie.

I’ve become closer friends with a couple of ladies, one is like a grandmother’s age, one is middle-aged and the other is almost 18 (she’s the daughter). We’re an interesting mix which is cool. The younger one was over last night and I felt so disconnected even from her. I could barely look at her because she’s so skinny and perfect looking. I felt like a troll.

Things got even more awesome when another group arrived, including one friend who loves being the center of attention to the point of dancing and acting out parts in the middle of a room so people will watch her. She and her husband came with two other people and they brought…wait for it…that special brand of ice cream that makes me feel so “special”! My husband saw my face and looked over, saw the ice cream and mouthed the words “I’m sorry”. What can you do? Nothing. No one would understand why I wanted to scream and throw the carton out of the window.

I sat there with these people all night, and I just wasn’t real. I was acting as always, I wasn’t myself, I was whoever they need to see except I didn’t do a good enough job pulling it off. It’s like they weren’t entertained by me enough. It’s not enough that we’re always the ones who have people over and people come and watch our t.v., play our games and eat our food and then leave trash behind. They come to be entertained. I think that I was so tired from the pain stuff that I couldn’t be the me they’re used to. The one girl did actually get up in the room and re-enact a scene from a movie garnering the attention of all of our guests, so good for her. I also love it when you have a group of people come together and they break of into cliques. I couldn’t even get my voice heard in a room made up of just a few people, because no one cared that I had something to say, even my husband. That wasn’t a new one. I think people only like to hear me talk when I can entertain them. This particular group had some people who think that they are very smart compared to others (even though the wife is only interested in watching what shoes the women we know wear)and apparently not everyone in our home merited an invitation to their table (which was actually our table). I felt like they alienated my other friends too, which pissed me off. It’s ok, she’s one of the people that makes me feel like a fat giant so it was awesome.

Honestly, it sucks because this night little party wasn’t for me, it was for my husband and he wasn’t happy.

My husband was disappointed that people came and didn’t really get into being there for the right reasons. It was supposed to fun and they kind of just did what they normally do. I felt bad because the whole thing was for him. That makes me want to kick their asses!

I woke up this morning and I thought: “I want to die.” It was pretty early for that message to be happening already, usually it waits a couple of hours.

I’ve still been writing that one fan fiction story when it feel right. As of now I’ve written 25 chapters (some are short) of the story and published them, with a total so far of 64,093 words written, 176 reviews from readers and 23,042 hits. Does that make me a loser? Seriously? Is that a pathetic number? All I can think is that, I’m so tired. I’m beyond tired. I want to die and I want to be by myself. I want to escape, I don’t want to be here. And yet, I keep worrying about my weight and how fat I am. I bought fruit and veggies that I’ll actually eat but I feel no optimism about their effects. I’ve been walking a couple of time last week but so what? Nothing helps, it all comes back.

I can write, sort of. Sometimes, if I’m lucky I can entertain people, I have nothing because I deserve nothing. The person that people see in this skin isn’t real. I running on empty and I’m just so tired. I have a music lesson today and I’m just tired.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Alters, bipolar disorder, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative fugue, dissociative identity disorder, Family Relationships, fibromyalgia, Incest, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatric medication, Psychiatry, PTSD, Rape, self-harm, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to Messages Repeating

  1. empty says:

    Numbers are just that numbers. Maybe if you went and kicked ass, it’ll take your mind of the wanting to die thing. But I do know what it’s like to wake up feeling that way. I know it all to well. You are not a loser!

    I’m sure you’re exhausted from yesterday. I’m sorry it didn’t go better.


    • tai0316 says:

      So you think the numbers are rubbish on my story? Not as good as they should be if people really liked it? I get excellent feedback but I don’t know how to interpret the data like the numbers.

      You know what, you wonderful woman? You’ve got this new spirit I keep noticing and it’s beautiful. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

  2. empty says:

    I’m not one to interpret numbers, but sometimes they aren’t accurate. Sometimes we find ourselves caught up in it, when all that matters is what you think and what’s in your heart. I think your numbers are great.

    I’ve always enjoyed your blogs, not complicated, but informative.

    I used to be preoccupied with the numbers on my blog. That only proved on what a huge loser I am. It still bothers me, but I don’t look at them like I used to. Thanks for noticing a new spirit, but I don’t feel it. I working on being more open. Not keeping it all inside, festering.

    Where might I find your work?


    • tai0316 says:

      😀 In this case my lips are sealed. I tell anyone where to find my fiction because I would no longer be able to write it and I’d delete it all and disappear into a hole lol. My therpapist has never seen it and would never tell her, my husband doesn’t know just like he knows nothing about this blog and the people on the fiction site don’t know about my blog. It’s too weird, it’s like I have to keep them seperate to function. I know that makes no sense doesn’t it?

      I’m not owrried about my blog numbers since I never expected anyone to read it anyway. The fact that even one person read it blew my mind as it still does.

      As for you, I think you do seem more open, more…I don’t know, there’s a lightness that I can’t describe.

      • meredith says:

        That’s a lot of commitment to disconnects, tai. No wonder you’re so tired. Keeping worlds separated is the most taxing thing I can think of, and you’re doing on multiple levels in your life. WOW!

        Okay, and one last thing: your mom didn’t leave you behind and hurt you because you weren’t pretty enough or talented enough to WOW! her. Your mom left and acted out because she had some serious issues. And that made you vulnerable, which is double jeopardy… and so you got hurt even more. None of this had to do with your worth, your appearance, your intelligence… none of it. What happened to you happened, but you didn’t cause it, you didn’t feed it, and you had no power to stop it. That’s just not your fault.



      • tai0316 says:

        Meredith, you are so sweet. You actually hit on a real issue for me but I didn’t see it right away. I do believ ethat I have to “wow” people right now but that I can’t because I’m not enough; not pretty, not smart enough, whatever. I lalways believe that.
        My therapist is going to have a boat load of crap waiting for her when she get s back, poor thing…

  3. castorgirl says:

    (((warm safe hugs))) I’m so sorry that the get-together went like it did. It sounds so incredibly stressful, especially when you’re going through such a rough time. You sound so overwhelmed… Is there anything you can do to take time and do soothing things?

    When I saw the numbers regarding your fan fiction, I went WOW… especially the number of reviews… awesome!!!! You are a talented person tai 🙂

    Sending positive thoughts your way,

    • tai0316 says:

      Thanks CG, you support me no matter what don’t you? 😀

      As for the other, people suck and right now life ain’t so great but then what’s new?

  4. roseroars says:

    You sound so busy! How do you keep up with all this?

    I wish you didn’t feel down on yourself because that’s my job, and now that I’m starting to feel better after surgery I’d like my job back thank-you-very-much. And…that’s a ton of words. Yesterday I wrote: Do cat litter and clean hermit crab terrarium. So you are doing great!


    • tai0316 says:

      I had to laugh that you think I sound busy, I feel like a bum. The issue is that my brain bubbles over sometimes and stuff has to come out or I’d lose my mind more than I already have. The rest of me is non-functional.

      I’m SOOOO glad you’re up and around. I’ll email you soon.

  5. Pandora says:

    I don’t really know what to say, tai, except that I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. Having been there many times, I know how much it sucks. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, least of all you.

    I just hope you’re feeling much better really soon. You deserve to be. I’m sure I speak for all of your readers here when I say that your life has great value, even if you can’t see it yourself at the minute (sorry if that sounds patronising – obviously that’s not intended, but it does read as a bit bleugh).

    Take care of yourself as best you can

    Pan x

  6. Freasha1964 says:

    Me too, Tai. I am sorry you have been having such a hard time.
    The fan fiction following you have sounds like an awful lot of hits to me. Maybe in the scheme of things it is smaller, but count what you do have. It’s incredible. (Or did I miss some sarcasm.)
    So bad about the ice cream. Sometimes, doesn’t it just seem the universe is trying to tell you (and me, too) something? Like first it is gentle. Then harder; then you get hit over the head with a two-by-four. Or it is coincidence. Or the universe is hostile on purpose. But regardless, I am sorry you are having to suffer through so much.
    Have you written to your therapist this week yet? It seems like it might be time for a check-in. For all you are accomplishing on the outside, it seems the rewards are not getting to the inside, where they belong, and would do you good.

    • tai0316 says:

      Hey Freasha,

      No there was no sarcasm. I have no idea what my numbers mean vs. someone else so I can’t compare how my story is doing.
      And yes, you and I were on the same wavelength with the “universe conspiring against me” thing. Jeez!

      Speaking of my therapist, she is making a short trip back and wants to see me, so I’ll have a session at the end of this month. It’s bad enough that she wants to see me first to see if I need a second session that week while she’s still here. Yeesh!

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