Those words, “I want to die.” or “I wish I was dead.” are repeating more now.
We had our little group get-together yesterday and I felt like many people have: alone in a room full of people. Actually the room wasn’t full at all, we kept it small, but it took so much energy just to have people in my home watching a movie.
I’ve become closer friends with a couple of ladies, one is like a grandmother’s age, one is middle-aged and the other is almost 18 (she’s the daughter). We’re an interesting mix which is cool. The younger one was over last night and I felt so disconnected even from her. I could barely look at her because she’s so skinny and perfect looking. I felt like a troll.
Things got even more awesome when another group arrived, including one friend who loves being the center of attention to the point of dancing and acting out parts in the middle of a room so people will watch her. She and her husband came with two other people and they brought…wait for it…that special brand of ice cream that makes me feel so “special”! My husband saw my face and looked over, saw the ice cream and mouthed the words “I’m sorry”. What can you do? Nothing. No one would understand why I wanted to scream and throw the carton out of the window.
I sat there with these people all night, and I just wasn’t real. I was acting as always, I wasn’t myself, I was whoever they need to see except I didn’t do a good enough job pulling it off. It’s like they weren’t entertained by me enough. It’s not enough that we’re always the ones who have people over and people come and watch our t.v., play our games and eat our food and then leave trash behind. They come to be entertained. I think that I was so tired from the pain stuff that I couldn’t be the me they’re used to. The one girl did actually get up in the room and re-enact a scene from a movie garnering the attention of all of our guests, so good for her. I also love it when you have a group of people come together and they break of into cliques. I couldn’t even get my voice heard in a room made up of just a few people, because no one cared that I had something to say, even my husband. That wasn’t a new one. I think people only like to hear me talk when I can entertain them. This particular group had some people who think that they are very smart compared to others (even though the wife is only interested in watching what shoes the women we know wear)and apparently not everyone in our home merited an invitation to their table (which was actually our table). I felt like they alienated my other friends too, which pissed me off. It’s ok, she’s one of the people that makes me feel like a fat giant so it was awesome.
Honestly, it sucks because this night little party wasn’t for me, it was for my husband and he wasn’t happy.
My husband was disappointed that people came and didn’t really get into being there for the right reasons. It was supposed to fun and they kind of just did what they normally do. I felt bad because the whole thing was for him. That makes me want to kick their asses!
I woke up this morning and I thought: “I want to die.” It was pretty early for that message to be happening already, usually it waits a couple of hours.
I’ve still been writing that one fan fiction story when it feel right. As of now I’ve written 25 chapters (some are short) of the story and published them, with a total so far of 64,093 words written, 176 reviews from readers and 23,042 hits. Does that make me a loser? Seriously? Is that a pathetic number? All I can think is that, I’m so tired. I’m beyond tired. I want to die and I want to be by myself. I want to escape, I don’t want to be here. And yet, I keep worrying about my weight and how fat I am. I bought fruit and veggies that I’ll actually eat but I feel no optimism about their effects. I’ve been walking a couple of time last week but so what? Nothing helps, it all comes back.
I can write, sort of. Sometimes, if I’m lucky I can entertain people, I have nothing because I deserve nothing. The person that people see in this skin isn’t real. I running on empty and I’m just so tired. I have a music lesson today and I’m just tired.