Why am I surprised to feel a feeling?


Maybe it’s because I’ve been so disconnected lately, I don’t know, but it took me by surprise today to realize that I feel depressed, at least I feel depressed today. I haven’t felt a lot recently so I can’t speak for the other day. Why doesn the emotion surprise me though?

I want to cry, but of course I can’t; I don’t cry. But the feeling of tears inside is very, very strong and it hurts. Could be a bipolar thing of course, actually that’s likely. I’ve also gained 8 lbs for no reason. Wonderful. I have an appoint with my rheumatologist on Tuesday that I’m sure will yield no plan of action or diagnosis. And, I have a feeling that I will not take that well at all. When I say that, I mean that I think there will be strong mental, emotional , and physical repercussions. I’m sure of it. Also wonderful.

I want to do something but I can’t fifure out what that something is besides running away. that’s bnot helpful because where would I go? How could I leave without my husband caring? Can’t do it.

The positives? My fan fiction is actually going quite well. I’ve written a total of 27 (?) chapters and I have a strong following of readers who regualrly review each chapter I put up.

God, I really want that asylum from my Polyvore set right now. My therapist did not it when I told her about that. She has actually scheduled me for two sessions already during her brief return, and she’s not even back yet.

I need something and that something is still evading me. Maybe I need a little time to go bat ass crazy. I want to be alone but I can’t be because the world is here, there are people and phones and obligations and…people. My sister-in-law who sits on her ass all day has literally called me everyday at least once a day, and my not answering doesn’t make her stop. I know what she wants; she just a cat and she wants to talk about herself for at least two hours. People suck (not you guys). I want to stab and scream and pace and mutter and pace some more but I’m stuck here and I hate it. I want my lymph nodes to stop hurting every single god damn stinking day so I can have a freaking break! I want my skin to stop burning for just 5 minutes so I can know what that feels like.

Shit… And yes, I just cussed. Get over it.

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Alters, bipolar disorder, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative fugue, dissociative identity disorder, fibromyalgia, Incest, Mania, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatric Drugs, Psychiatric medication, Psychiatry, PTSD, Rape, self-harm, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Why am I surprised to feel a feeling?

  1. empty says:

    Don’t you love people who love to hear themselves talk? Alot of what you wrote is a mirror of me. Are you numb most of the time or is it merely the disconnection you mentioned? Sorry you’re going through some tought times. I’m sure your therapist will be a huge comfort for you.

    Let me know if you do run away, I may join you.

    jo

    • tai0316 says:

      Ha! I wish I knew where to go jo, I really do. The problem is, I’m not exactly numb or disconnected. I feel a lot but there’s no connection to where those feelings are coming from all of the time or why they are so strong or why they are coming up when they do. I think the intensity of feeling something that strongly surprised me because there’s a disconnect between the wire that has the feeling and the part of me that can express it. Does that even amke sense lol?

  2. I hear you tai. You have so many reasons to scream and swear. Doesn’t bother me if you write a whole post of swearing, if you want. I’m sorry you’re in so much pain, physically and mentally. I understand. And I wish I could come visit and take us both away for a break. (I just haven’t yet figured out how to get out of my own head).

    Dawn

  3. castorgirl says:

    Woohoo on the fanfiction!!!
    (((hugs))) for having to deal with self-centered people and all the other chaos
    To be all happy, shiny… do you think that you’re able to feel the emotions a little more now? Doesn’t that indicate some healing and growth? Yup, it’s painful, but would you have just dissociated those feelings away a little while ago???

    Please take care of yourself,
    CG

    • tai0316 says:

      Thanks CG!

      I’m not sure what indicates healing and growth, I’m still trying to remember what wrong with me half the time lol

      Good question, I may have dissociated before, I’m not sure. At least I’m aware of that kind of stuff now. Good point.

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