Maybe it’s because I’ve been so disconnected lately, I don’t know, but it took me by surprise today to realize that I feel depressed, at least I feel depressed today. I haven’t felt a lot recently so I can’t speak for the other day. Why doesn the emotion surprise me though?
I want to cry, but of course I can’t; I don’t cry. But the feeling of tears inside is very, very strong and it hurts. Could be a bipolar thing of course, actually that’s likely. I’ve also gained 8 lbs for no reason. Wonderful. I have an appoint with my rheumatologist on Tuesday that I’m sure will yield no plan of action or diagnosis. And, I have a feeling that I will not take that well at all. When I say that, I mean that I think there will be strong mental, emotional , and physical repercussions. I’m sure of it. Also wonderful.
I want to do something but I can’t fifure out what that something is besides running away. that’s bnot helpful because where would I go? How could I leave without my husband caring? Can’t do it.
The positives? My fan fiction is actually going quite well. I’ve written a total of 27 (?) chapters and I have a strong following of readers who regualrly review each chapter I put up.
God, I really want that asylum from my Polyvore set right now. My therapist did not it when I told her about that. She has actually scheduled me for two sessions already during her brief return, and she’s not even back yet.
I need something and that something is still evading me. Maybe I need a little time to go bat ass crazy. I want to be alone but I can’t be because the world is here, there are people and phones and obligations and…people. My sister-in-law who sits on her ass all day has literally called me everyday at least once a day, and my not answering doesn’t make her stop. I know what she wants; she just a cat and she wants to talk about herself for at least two hours. People suck (not you guys). I want to stab and scream and pace and mutter and pace some more but I’m stuck here and I hate it. I want my lymph nodes to stop hurting every single god damn stinking day so I can have a freaking break! I want my skin to stop burning for just 5 minutes so I can know what that feels like.
Shit… And yes, I just cussed. Get over it.