What happens you try to be nice? People don’t change, that’s what.

The other day I decided to call someone I used to consider a friend. If you’ve read this blog for a while, she was the one who told me that people who are sexually abused should just “get over it” and “move on”. Yes I know, I’m an idiot, but I thought that after months of not hanging out, maybe I should try again to connect with her. I’m not very smart considering that there are things about this woman that remind of me mother, and I try to overlook them but it’s hard. Their attitudes are very similar when it comes to what’s acceptable as far as how physical you get with your kids. My mom wasn’t my sexual abuser, but the physical abuser( I feel the need to remind people).

This will be hard to explain for people who aren’t in my situation but I’ll try to do it because it’s a key reason (I think) that I keep trying with her. I’m black, but my whole life I’ve been made fun of for “trying to act white” or being an “Oreo”, black on the outside, white on the inside, like the cookie. It’s been a constant thing in my life, the reason being that I’m from a rather poor area in the country, and things are still racially segregated there. It’s just how things are. Well, my grandmother, the one who loved me, the one whose body I found when she died, she started teaching me at a young age. She taught me how to read when I was 3, and she had me memorize my multiplication tables too. She was a big believer in teaching yourself and in reading books. I’m like that too. Anyway, she also taught me how to speak proper english, and when I say “proper”, I don’t mean uppity and snobby english, I mean, school textbook english. This emphasis on self-education and schooling made me stand out from everyone in my neighborhood and even in my family. I was bullied in school, chased by other kids and spit on too because of being different. As I grew up and moved from place to place, it made me stand out then too. I was just being me though, but for some reason being me was considered being stuck-up. Anyway I kind of get looked at strangely by some people of my own race even now, not always, but enough that I feel isolated. My husband is white so his family doesn’t factor in. This particular woman is also black and she’s about the age of my mother. I thought that since we got along, maybe I could have a connection to someone who I’d know back home, if I was accepted back home. Huh, for some reason this is making me upset. Anyway, this woman, despite claiming to have the same moral beliefs as me, has outright bragged about physically assaulting her daughters as kids like me, (and since they became adults, as my mom did to me) and she sees nothing wrong with hitting your kids and all of that stuff. And then of course there was the sexual abuse comment. Oh, she’s also the one who has a mentally ill daughter who was once curled up in a closet, ready to kill herself and she gave her a knife and told her to get it over with, and then she left her daughter and walked out the door. Yes, I know, once again, I’m an idiot. Why have I tried to connect with her? Maybe because I hope that if I can change her outlook on abuse, it would be like changing my mom? I don’t know, but I do know that when I’m with her, part of me feels physically threatened by her. Weird huh?

So, I called her the other day and she called me today and… wait for it…we had lunch. Yeah! She hasn’t changed at all. Everything is all about her, just like my mom. She craves attention over little things, just like my mom. She’s crude and socially embarrassing, just like my mom. So, now I sit here, regretting reaching out. I thought I was doing something good but now I feel like crying and don’t know why. I do know that I’m an idiot and I knew better but I wanted to try anyway. The fallout is my own fault. I just felt like writing about it. Thanks for listening, even if it doesn’t make sense.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Family Relationships, Incest, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatry, PTSD, Rape, self-harm, Sexual Abuse, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to What happens you try to be nice? People don’t change, that’s what.

  1. Freasha1964 says:

    Tai, you are far from an idiot.
    My sister spent 10 years with a guy. She realizes that she did a common thing: namely try to fix the things you couldn’t fix in the parent you had in this new relationship. Hey, it only took you a lunch hour to figure it out. There is a great compulsion to keep doing this and I won’t be mad at you if you call her again in a while. It’s just natural. There is something alluring mixed in with all of her faults.
    Your grandmother sounds incredible now that you relay some of the things she did for you. I am sorry she didn’t get to have more influence on you, and you more time with her. I imagine she’d be sad to hear you call yourself an idiot since she clearly believed otherwise. But she might understand, too. And she would be proud of you for your accomplishments.

  2. Pandora says:

    I’m with Freasha; you’re not an idiot at all. Yes, she sounds like a nasty piece of work – but you were kind to her, you gave her the benefit of the doubt for the sake of a friendship you once shared, and when it didn’t work, you saw that straightaway. That’s far from idiotic; it’s compassionate whilst also being wary and sensible.

    Your grandmother sounds great. I’m glad you at least had someone good there as a child, though the consequences of that were despicable. Of course, the problems were those of the bullies alone – not yours – but that’s worth very little when you had to live through their horrible, unfair taunts.

    Thinking of you, tai

    Pan xxx

  3. waywardweed says:

    You are “suffering” from hope; in this case false hope that a particular situation or person will change. We all deal with this condition, it’s just part of being human, so don’t beat yourself up over it.

  4. what’s going on that you wanted to punish yourself? I like your idea that you were hoping she’d have changed, that you could cure her, etc, but (as you note) you knew it was unlikely. she sounds like such a horror that it sounds more like you were opening up a vein to self harm.

    really worried about that. but also glad you can be putting this in the context of your great-sounding grandmother, about self-honouring your values (whilst still showing understanding for those of others who are self-destructive). Good luck!

  5. castorgirl says:

    Tough situation tai, really tough. I like that you were thinking through why you were wanting to contact this woman… acceptance from the old neighbourhood, reaching out to people, etc. The thing that jumped out at me though, was that she reminds you of your mother – how much is that a factor in the contact?

    I don’t know if this is relevant for you or not, but I often seek relationships that remind me of ones in the past… especially the dysfunctional ones. There’s a comfort, or sense that the hurt caused is all I deserve.

    I’m sorry you were hurt in the past and present. People often target others because of something that makes them feels uncomfortable in themselves… there’s a big difference between being educated, and being stuck-up.

    Take care,

  6. roseroars says:

    “You are “suffering” from hope” – what she said.

  7. empty says:

    Don’t be so hard on yourself. I think a lot of us have that glimmer of hope someone’s changed. You tried, she hasn’t changed, so be it. At least you can say you tried.



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