I think I’ll title this post, “Ugh”

I just heard back from my doctor’s nurse and the conversation was so not helpful. i had called the other day to find out about my test results and in my message I said that I would prefer to speak to the doctor on the phones. That was a no go because he wants to see me. I tried to get some information from the nurse and she said that my ck numbers are up again and that an antibody came back positive. I asked what antibody and she said that she couldn’t tell me. Then she says that the doctor’s note says “It’s complicated.” What the hell does that mean? Just tell me. I’m going to assume that “complicated” means that it’s going to annoy me as usual.

On a positive note, I said no to someone. Saying no can be a huge problem for me and this particular person is kind of a soul-sucking demon. She likes to dump all her crap on me and then go hang out with her other friends and then dump on me again when they piss her off. My therapist told me to avoid her but this person said they needed time with me and I felt like I wouldn’t be a good friend if I said no. We were supposed to have lunch together today and I felt like crap yesterday and miracle of miracles, I decided to put myself first and I sent her a text saying that I couldn’t see her because I wasn’t feeling well, but maybe we could get together another time. Wow. Her reply was brief and totally devoid of any concern for me. Typical. She knows nothing about anything that’s been going on with me for at least the last year, so I don’t know what I am to her.

I am curious why I attract people like this as friends? I’m serious. I can guarantee that 90% of the people who want to be friends with me, end up using me to dump all of their problems on and then they go hang out with their real friends and kind of hide me in a corner. In this girl’s case, I know about all of her friends but they only 1 or 2 of them have ever met me or heard of me. It makes me feel like they’re ashamed of me, like I’m not cool enough to be with their real friends but they like to keep me around for when they need to talk. Isn’t that what friends are for. If you have like 20 people you call friends, shouldn’t you be able to talk to them? So why am I here? You don’t want anyone to see me but you want me to be on call for you? I don’t get it.

I believe that friendships are supposed to be about give and take and balance. Sometimes, one of you will be going through a rough time and the other will be there for them, then the situation may flip and the other friend is there to lean on. When one person does nothing but take, that’s not a friendship. That brings me back to my question of why I attract these people and why do I always go to them when I see they need to talk. This girl, well she’s a grown woman not a girl, anyway, she can just have this look on her face and I’m the first and only person to go over to her to see if she’s ok. My therapist says that it’s because everyone else is already on to her and I’m the only one who still comes running and she knows it. Thinking about it, the fact that she has a term for getting together with me, she called it “*insert my name here* time”, that literally means time that she gets to have with me when I will sit and listen to her problems, is probably not a good thing.

I also realize that the post will probably make no sense because my sleeping medicine is still in my system and I’m not really awake yet even though the morning is almost over. Here it is: Ugh.

About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in depression, Mental Health and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to I think I’ll title this post, “Ugh”

  1. empty says:

    I hope you get some more precise results soon. I can’t imagine what it’s like for you.

    This person you’re talking about, is she the one you went out to eat with a while back. Just curious.

    Good for you, saying no. I have trouble saying no also. My comments are short. I’m so busy with this wedding cake. Ugh too.

    Take care,


    • tai0316 says:

      Thanks jo, hopefully my appointment on Tuesday will yield results. I got an earlier appointment even though it means finding out the day before I leave on a trip. Not the smartest thing but there was no way that I was waiting two weeks to talk to him.

      Good luck with your cake!

  2. Freasha1964 says:

    Hi Tai,
    I think it is simple. I don’t want to be abrupt but I am hurrying and you might find this useful. It is because of exactly what you have been saying throughout this post. You don’t say “no”. That is the attraction. And YIPPEE yahoo; you just said “no”. Sit back and see what happens.

    Ummm, that is my take on it. It looks like I am stating a fact, but of course, it is an opinion.

  3. roseroars says:

    I am so glad that you said no. It was so nice to read that today. I mean, I wish you felt better, but that’s huge.

  4. castorgirl says:

    Good on you for saying “No”!!! That’s awesome…

    It’s very telling that your friend considers her time with you to basically be her therapy time. That may sound harsh, but that’s almost what it sounds like – she’s getting her issues talked through, but not listening to any of yours. It’s really good that you can now see how you interact with each other – that’s a vital step in changing it.

    I’ve got my fingers crossed for the appointment on Tuesday…

    Take care,

  5. Celestial says:

    I have experienced this, many times actually. But the one thing this post brought up for me is my cousin. We stopped talking about a year ago because he would do this, and then deny having ever done anything. It made me feel used and thrown away. Like, we’d make plans and then I’d find out when he stood me up, that he stayed with one of his “friends.” Then he’d have the gall to say how important I was to him (Not to me, by the way, other than to say “I’m only angry because I care.” I don’t buy that crap anymore.) to someone else. And even then, he never mentioned me specifically.

    I’ve recently started speaking with him again, but I’m not sure how I feel about it. I’ve tried including him in my life again just to see what will happen… and he’s doing the same old things… yet again. Sure, we used to get along great and we still do… and he gives me a lot of free crap that’s expensive otherwise… but I still feel like there’s this huge blank spot there. I do not feel important to him, and in no way do I feel as important to him as his random sad Facebook comment said after the fact.

    This post made me wonder if having him back in my life was such a good idea, and I’m fighting the urge to email him asking him if he could please be specific as to what my place in his life is supposed to be… because I’ll drop him like a shoe again if he uses me. It took me forever to get the strength to do that, but if I have to…

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