I always tell my husband that I never worry about my health. I tell him that my curse in life is to have annoying things wrong with me that can’t be explained but cause lots of problems for me. It’s true. DID can’t show up in blood tests, neither can bipolar disorder or fibromyalgia. I end up having things that can’t be proven on paper so-to-speak. I always blow it off and laugh saying that nothing serious will ever be wrong with me because that’s how things go. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to be sick, quite the opposite, but it’s really frustrating and upsetting to have painful symptoms and then to be blown off by doctors because nothing ever shows up. I just want the symptoms to go away, and doctors don’t treat things that they can’t prove. Well apparently I’m not as casual about this as I thought. I’m a little worried. A doctor saying that things are “complicated” doesn’t inspire calm. I ended up getting an appointment on Tuesday and I’m glad because I can talk to him about what’s going on. I still think that “complicated” means that the test came up goofy but that it doesn’t really help us or show anything. That would be typical. But there’s small part of me that wonders if my luck has run out and something is actually wrong.
I’m having a LOT of anxiety today and I’m scared to leave the house. I’m supposed to go to a meeting tonight, surrounded by people I know and I’m scared. What’s the deal? I’ve got company coming for the first time ever on Saturday, and then I leave on a trip on Wednesday. Maybe too much on my plate but it can’t be helped. I’ve got people waiting for me to write more chapters of my fan fiction but I’m letting the story come to me on my own instead of forcing it. They’ll just have to wait until I get back.
My mood hasn’t been right for a long time and even after going back on Seroquel and coming off of Saphris, things have not righted themselves. I haven’t dropped the weight either and I know that something is off with me in this area, I shouldn’t be at this weight, but there’s nothing I can do about it right now.
I’ve been dreaming about my mom lately and it’s disturbing and makes me anxious too. I don’t have to see her but I keep expecting her to try to contact me since the six month break I gave us has long since passed. I think because it’s just kind of hanging out there as a possibility, it makes me worry that I’ll have to deal with her. I’m not scared of her, at least the adult part of me isn’t, but the rest of me is still stuck in time.
That’s it. I just wanted to write about it.