As I write this, I am on the point of breaking.
My best friend and her family are visiting me. A best friend should understand who I am and what I deal with having mental health issues. Anything I’ve said in the past trying to describe my mindset so she would understand when she got here, has gone in one ear and out the other because she thinks that she already knows what it’s like. She says, “Oh yes, I understand.” and so I thought that when they came up, she wouldn’t be too demanding etc. I was wrong.
I got up this morning way before them and had breakfast ready for them. They proceeded to make me sit and look at every picture they had taken on every trip they have taken in the last few years. Literally. It took two hours. They made me sit there for two hours. Maybe a normal person could take two hours of that but I’m not normal and I thought she understood. They expect food to be ready and provided at all times and all of this stuff, but that wasn’t the deal. I wasn’t supposed to have to cook for them. They leave their crap everywhere even though I worked harder than I ever had to clean this house from top to bottom so it would be perfect for them. They’ve taken over the house. They were supposed to have plans for each day that would take them out of the house but they didn’t do their research before they showed up and their plans fell through meaning that they’ve been at the house more than they were supposed to be. I know I’m not explaining why I’m so upset very well. In my head it’s very clear but writing it doesn’t give the full effect of their presence and the upheaval it’s causing. My therapist thought that having them come would be a good thing for me specifically because it would teach me that I don’t have to take care of everyone and be so stressed out making sure that everyone is comfortable and perfect. She thought that I would see that I don’t have to pretend all the time. It’s been the opposite. I’ve had to pretend every second of every day until bedtime since Saturday. I’m so exhausted from pretending to be “ok” that I can’t function. They just left the house and I’m practically shaking from the stress. Taking into account the physical pain that taking care of them has caused, it’s just too much. But my friend has pain issues that just started and she feels quite free to talk about it and how hard it is to live like that for the last few months. I’ve lived with it for 20 years and she acts like I don’t know what’s she’s talking about. I’ve been on my feet for two days, sitting on the floor if they take up all the space. They’re oblivious. I thought she would know better. I thought out of everyone I know, besides my husband, that she would get it and be the friend she’s supposed to be, but she isn’t. I thought that she would take into account the way I live and not be a burden but I was wrong.
The reason they stayed with us was because they couldn’t afford a hotel and they’ve just used us up. I haven’t expected a thank you (nor has one been offered) or anything because we’re friends but if someone let’s you stay with them to help you out, you should appreciate that and not make it difficult. I spent two hours with three people constantly talking over each other and telling me stories that don’t make any sense because I don’t know any the people they’re talking about. Too much noise, too many expectations. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
I started this blog, in part, to have a place to talk because people don’t understand the stress that mental illness causes and everything that goes with it. She doesn’t even know that I have DID because she wouldn’t be able to handle it. Her husband made a horribly insensitive comment this morning about people being molested by a family member. I couldn’t believe it! They don’t know what happened to me but since when is that funny in any situation!? Why would that be ok to joke about!? It hurt so much and I had to pretend that I wasn’t reacting. In my head I’m having pictures flash in my mind of the past, of my uncle, and on the outside I had to appear calm and unaffected so they wouldn’t know something so private.
The other thing is that they told me when they were coming, they didn’t ask. And it didn’t matter when I told her that this month was really a bad time for us. They didn’t care. We are leaving on a trip ourselves on Wednesday and they didn’t care, they’re staying until the moment we pull out of the driveway. It was so selfish! So if I wanted to see her, it was their way or no way. We’ve been friends for almost two decades and it shouldn’t have been like this, but once again I found myself in a position of having to listen to someone else’s crap or their droning on and on about nonsense and pretend that everything’s ok.
Why are people so selfish and thoughtless? I don’t understand why friendships are so uneven. Is it so hard to just take care of yourselves and not act like my house is a hotel?
I will never do this again. I’ve learned the hard way that I can’t handle people in my space like this. I’ve learned that even someone who’s supposed to be your best friend will let you down. I’ve learned that people think sexual abuse is funny. I’ve learned that people just use other people no matter the relationship. I’ve learned that people will always think that my needs come last. Those are good lessons, I wish I had learned it earlier so I hadn’t put myself in this situation.
I’m sorry if this post makes no sense. I’m so mentally jacked up that I can’t describe the issues in a logical way that would make sense. I’m sure everyone’s like, “Why is she so upset?” so I’ll just stop and try to breathe and dread them coming back.