Events that remind me why I started this blog


As I write this, I am on the point of breaking.

My best friend and her family are visiting me. A best friend should understand who I am and what I deal with having mental health issues. Anything I’ve said in the past trying to describe my mindset so she would understand when she got here, has gone in one ear and out the other because she thinks that she already knows what it’s like. She says, “Oh yes, I understand.” and so I thought that when they came up, she wouldn’t be too demanding etc. I was wrong.

I got up this morning way before them and had breakfast ready for them. They proceeded to make me sit and look at every picture they had taken on every trip they have taken in the last few years. Literally. It took two hours. They made me sit there for two hours. Maybe a normal person could take two hours of that but I’m not normal and I thought she understood. They expect food to be ready and provided at all times and all of this stuff, but that wasn’t the deal. I wasn’t supposed to have to cook for them. They leave their crap everywhere even though I worked harder than I ever had to clean this house from top to bottom so it would be perfect for them. They’ve taken over the house. They were supposed to have plans for each day that would take them out of the house but they didn’t do their research before they showed up and their plans fell through meaning that they’ve been at the house more than they were supposed to be. I know I’m not explaining why I’m so upset very well. In my head it’s very clear but writing it doesn’t give the full effect of their presence and the upheaval it’s causing. My therapist thought that having them come would be a good thing for me specifically because it would teach me that I don’t have to take care of everyone and be so stressed out making sure that everyone is comfortable and perfect. She thought that I would see that I don’t have to pretend all the time. It’s been the opposite. I’ve had to pretend every second of every day until bedtime since Saturday. I’m so exhausted from pretending to be “ok” that I can’t function. They just left the house and I’m practically shaking from the stress. Taking into account the physical pain that taking care of them has caused, it’s just too much. But my friend has pain issues that just started and she feels quite free to talk about it and how hard it is to live like that for the last few months. I’ve lived with it for 20 years and she acts like I don’t know what’s she’s talking about. I’ve been on my feet for two days, sitting on the floor if they take up all the space. They’re oblivious. I thought she would know better. I thought out of everyone I know, besides my husband, that she would get it and be the friend she’s supposed to be, but she isn’t. I thought that she would take into account the way I live and not be a burden but I was wrong.

The reason they stayed with us was because they couldn’t afford a hotel and they’ve just used us up. I haven’t expected a thank you (nor has one been offered) or anything because we’re friends but if someone let’s you stay with them to help you out, you should appreciate that and not make it difficult. I spent two hours with three people constantly talking over each other and telling me stories that don’t make any sense because I don’t know any the people they’re talking about. Too much noise, too many expectations. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

I started this blog, in part, to have a place to talk because people don’t understand the stress that mental illness causes and everything that goes with it. She doesn’t even know that I have DID because she wouldn’t be able to handle it. Her husband made a horribly insensitive comment this morning about people being molested by a family member. I couldn’t believe it! They don’t know what happened to me but since when is that funny in any situation!? Why would that be ok to joke about!? It hurt so much and I had to pretend that I wasn’t reacting. In my head I’m having pictures flash in my mind of the past, of my uncle, and on the outside I had to appear calm and unaffected so they wouldn’t know something so private.

The other thing is that they told me when they were coming, they didn’t ask. And it didn’t matter when I told her that this month was really a bad time for us. They didn’t care. We are leaving on a trip ourselves on Wednesday and they didn’t care, they’re staying until the moment we pull out of the driveway. It was so selfish! So if I wanted to see her, it was their way or no way. We’ve been friends for almost two decades and it shouldn’t have been like this, but once again I found myself in a position of having to listen to someone else’s crap or their droning on and on about nonsense and pretend that everything’s ok.

Why are people so selfish and thoughtless? I don’t understand why friendships are so uneven. Is it so hard to just take care of yourselves and not act like my house is a hotel?

I will never do this again. I’ve learned the hard way that I can’t handle people in my space like this. I’ve learned that even someone who’s supposed to be your best friend will let you down. I’ve learned that people think sexual abuse is funny. I’ve learned that people just use other people no matter the relationship. I’ve learned that people will always think that my needs come last. Those are good lessons, I wish I had learned it earlier so I hadn’t put myself in this situation.

I’m sorry if this post makes no sense. I’m so mentally jacked up that I can’t describe the issues in a logical way that would make sense. I’m sure everyone’s like, “Why is she so upset?” so I’ll just stop and try to breathe and dread them coming back.

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Child Abuse, Child Molestation, Incest, Mental Health, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Rape, Sexual Abuse, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to Events that remind me why I started this blog

  1. empty says:

    1 – She’s not your best friend. They were very rude asuming they could stay with you without asking.
    2 – She has NO right to use you.
    3 – They, as alot of others, are ignorant and you can’t change that.
    4 – Trust me, I don’t think anyone could sit through two hours of pictures.
    5 – They used you, plain and simple.
    6 – Out of the goodness of your heart, you can’t say no. (I’m the same & I think you’ll find many others the same.)
    7 – It is extrememly exhaustin wearing the “mask,” so other don’t know what it’s truly like.
    8 – You’re right, it’s your space!
    9 – You have every right to be upset.
    10 – You’re caring, kind, honest.
    11 – Don’t worry about the next time. You’ll remember this time and will say, “No,” and feel good about it, and about yourself.
    12 – Yes, there are many who don’t and will never understand any type of abuse. It’s sad we live in a world of ignorance.
    13 – I’ll skip number 13! Unlucky.
    14 – Let me reiterate–you’re caring, kind and honest, just to say a few.
    15 – Above all, you made it through the ordeal and where able to share it with us and thank you.

    jo

    • meredith says:

      what jo said. I completely understand why you’re upset. Maybe you should start “cooking” Corn Flakes simmered in warm milk. I hated it when I friend of mine would come to the cities “for a visit” and always wanted to stay at my “great” apartment.

      I think it’s why I stopped having company those last few years. 😉

      You’re a very good sport… and obviously gracious. Next time, invite me.

  2. Freasha1964 says:

    So sorry to hear you are at wit’s end, Thai.
    I’m with Jo on this one. She (your friend, not Jo) doesn’t know you well enough to rate your best friend. Oldest friend, maybe, but not best. Live and learn. You said “no” last week. (YIPPEE; I say that again since you liked it). I hope you keep sensing from here on out when it is healthy to say “no” again. A suggestion: If you have some easy ideas that don’t take much research, gather them and leave them on their bed or somewhere they can’t miss, for suggestions of other things they might like that will get them out of the house all day. (Hey, and if they invite you along, practice saying “no” some more.)

  3. oh hey, I *sooo* have been there, and likely will be again and again. Except for the bit about your physical pain, I was yuh-huhing right the way through. So don’t think you weren’t expressing it or whatever.

    Just wish i could say someting useful to stop it happening again, but simple answer is I don’t. Just that I empathise.

  4. Pandora says:

    I am disgusted about how they’ve treated you in general, but especially agree about the child molestation comment. That is not funny, full stop.

    I’m not a good one for advice, tai, and I know anything ‘sensible’ I could tell you would be hypocritical because I’d never do it myself. So I’ll not – but I will say that yes, this is your space and yes, Jo is completely right on all points. You are a good person; it’s most definitely not you that’s behaved wrongly in this situation, and it was incredibly unfair of your friend and her husband to behave in the ways they did.

    You’ve made me think about my three closest friends too. One of them has no idea about the abuse at all, as far as I know. The other two only know what they read on my blog – I have no idea whether they’re ‘regulars’ at it or not (I offered the first one access, but I think he was freaked out by the idea and he declined). I wonder why we can’t tell them? I mean, I sometimes think, “why can’t I just tell them?”, but I know the words would never come out. I don’t know why though. Not that I’m saying either of us, or anyone else in this situation, should discuss it, that said.

    Whatever the case, you have enough to deal with without that kind of stress; and whether they know about the abuse and DID or not, treating you like some sort of servant is appalling. Basic human courtesy, and particularly friendship, should not allow that. I’m sorry you had to go through it, and it’s hardly surprising that you’re angry and upset.

    Bah, I’ve blathered enough. I hope you’re going to be OK, hun. Please take care.

    *hugs*

    Pan xxx

  5. castorgirl says:

    Boundaries… you established them, you thought that everyone knew what they were, that they would be adhered to, and they weren’t. It makes perfect sense that you are upset… people came into your house, where you have established some safety in the world, and brought their issues with them. You can’t escape when it’s your house people are visiting… you can’t get up after half an hour of photos and graciously leave… you’re more likely to feel trapped and out of control.

    To add insult to injury, they bring jokes which are not appropriate anywhere…

    I’m so sorry this has happened tai, it did sound like a really good opportunity to practice not having to look after someone all the time. Give yourself some breathing space from the whole situation… do lots of soothing and “reclaiming” of your house. Don’t let this put you off having people over, but try to learn what to do next time to make the whole process easier for everyone – mainly you 🙂

    Take care,
    CG

  6. Bay says:

    Tai,
    Haven’t commented on your blog before, but couldn’t let this one go. You are way too nice a person to be treated like that. We love Jo’s points, they are so true. *Minimum* they should be doing is helping you fix meals or offering to take you out to eat (them paying) and being VERY appreciative of you letting them stay and for all your effort. Seriously not ok that they told you they were coming instead of asking like any civilized person would do. Geez, I got angry with them just reading your post, and it’s gotta be a million times worse actually living it.
    We so relate to this though, find people walk all over us and use us, just because they can. We’re trying to learn to use the word “no”, it’s hard, no it’s not, it’s REALLY hard, but reckon when we get the hang of it it’ll be worth it.
    And your post made perfect sense, you have every right to be upset and every right to complain about it.
    Hope you manage to have a rest when you go on your own trip, you sure deserve it.
    Gentle thoughts,
    Bay

    • tai0316 says:

      Hello Bay,

      Thank you so much for commenting, that meant a lot! And thank you for validating my feelings. I thought that maybe I was the one who was wrong, but everyone’s thoughts made me feel better. I really appreciate you taking the time to write, that was very kind. 🙂

  7. hey, just had a thought, reading through the comments. they got accommodation, meals, and the convenience of accommodation dates to suit themselves- it sounds like you were a hotel. send them a bill. If only there were something that could be done on the other stuff, eg, we can harp on as long as we like about the appropriateness of fucking kids jokes but the reality is that society thinks they’re OK, and some people just aren’t very good friends, eg, including not ‘giving’ and being blind to how boring extended details of their lives are to others.
    Hope you enjoy your own break!

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