Well I’m back from my trip.
I’d like to say that it was fantastic but it was more stressful than I anticipated. I did have a good time here and there but during the trip I was confronted with an unpleasant situation. My mother contacted me.
She sent an email and I have to say that I shouldn’t have been surprised because my six month no contact rule expired a long time ago. I knew that at some point it was likely that she would try this. I hoped rather then believed that she would take the hint and leave me alone. I asked my husband to read the message first and let me know what it said. She also sent a picture of herself with it. Why she would think that I would want to look at her is beyond me. I will not look at the picture, the thought of seeing her makes my skin crawl. For many, many years, just looking at her face has made me ill and I won’t do that. My husband told me what she said and it was so weird. You have to understand that it’s the opinion of myself, my therapist and my husband that my mother has an undiagnosed and untreated psychiatrc problem. She’s stone cold crazy in other words. So, here’s what she said: My name is _______ my daughter’s name is _______ and I love her very much.
Tell me that isn’t the strangest message for someone to send!? I mean who writes something like that, it makes no sense. Who is she talking to? What gets me is that she doesn’t love me, she proved that when I first broke off contact with her and she responded with threats. That isn’t love. My lack of contact with her proved that she is a terrible presence in my life. I felt so much better after doing that. Having her out of my life had a significant impact on me and I will not take that back. The reality is that she is too triggering for me and that the damage she did cannot be repaired to the point that we could have a relationship. In this instance, for once, I’m putting myself first.
What surprised me was my internal reaction. while I was away, I was able to push the issue to the back of my mind even though I thought about it everyday. I didn’t want it to ruin my trip. But, when I got home, I couldn’t ignore it anymore. Almost immediately there was an internal reaction of fear and anxiety. I haven’t had to deal with that for a while. I almost didn’t know what to do. I decided to simply say that everything was going to be alright and that I was the adult and therefore I would take care of the situation (see the collage titled “Care” in the previous post). I promised that no one would have to see her again and I will keep that promise. The mother asked me if never want to hear from her. I’m not sure how to answer that question because for some reason saying “never” sounds like too much. Of course I want “never” but it seems cruel to tell her that. Maybe it’s because never is a long time and I can’t see that far into the future. I’m thinking that I will tell her that if there is any contact to be made, it will be up to me to make it and she is not to contact me. The rules are still in effect, nothing is changing. Maybe I can’t say never because I still believe that it will be my responsibility to make sure she is taken care of when she gets old. I’m not going to take care of her when that time comes but I will make sure that arrangements are made. That means that “never” isn’t reasonable. However, I will keep control of this situation and I will not be contacting her beyond telling her of my decision. Just that brief opening caused internal problems and I know that my decision is correct. I have to protect myself, it’s that simple.
Oh, on a side-note, my doctor figured out that my health problems are because of drug-induced lupus, that was why we had to discuss the bloodtests. We’re working on getting me off of one of my meds and hoping that it’s the culprit. Here’s to changing medication and the fun that goes with it!