Why do people have children?

With the recent contact from my mother, I began thinking about her reasons for having a child when she so clearly should have never been a parent.

If I think about her personality and total craziness, I come to the conclusion that it was never about having someone to love. She a complete narcissist and very childish. Emotionally, she’s like a selfish teenager. I believe that she had me so that she would have someone to love her. That makes me wonder about a lot of abusive parents. Do they have children for the same reason? They all seem selfish and self-centered, do they have children so they can impose their will on someone else? To hurt someone weaker than them? To take out their frustrations on someone who can’t fight back?

People are supposed to have children because they want to love someone, to take care of them and contribute to society by bringing a new life into the world right? What made our parents have kids? It wasn’t for any of those reasons that’s for sure. My mother doesn’t love me, she mistakes obsession with love. She’s always been jealous of me and she was never one for saying “I love you” when I was a child or being affectionate or anything like that. It’s probably difficult for her because she believes that what she feels is love when it’s not. She’s twisted and ugly inside and she could never love someone the way a normal person should. I’m glad I’m not like her. I’m glad that I learned what not to do by watching her.

The cycle doesn’t have to continue. We can all make choices and we can choose to be better, to learn from the evil of others. I actually believe that none of the people I  know here could ever be like our abusers. They’re not capable of it. Actually, I’m sure of it.

There is something very wrong with the people who hurt us, but none of us are like them. It’s wonderful that all of the people I know here in the blogosphere are some of the kindest, most empathetic people I’ve ever known. There is a capacity for caring that is rarely seen in this world. I’m glad to know all of you.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Child Abuse, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Trauma and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to Why do people have children?

  1. Pandora says:

    Although my mother is great, my father was a complete arsehole, though he never intentionally abused me, so I can’t entirely empathise (though, of course, I do sympathise).

    Partly as a result of this, I’ve always been somewhat suspicious of at least some who choose to have children. I’m at the age now where almost everyone I was at school with has had children or is intending to do so, and when I think back to what many of them were like, I shudder for the sake of their (potential) kids. OK, people change from the people they were as teenagers, but it still seems in many cases that, like your own mother, they have them because they want someone to love them.

    Me, I’ve made a conscious decision not to have kids. I have inherited a lot of my father’s traits, which is a seriously bad thing obviously, but moreover, I’m not sure I’d wish to pass my mentalism onto another person. I know that not everyone agrees that there’s biology/genetics involved in mental illness, but I believe in my case that there is an element of it. Furthermore, A has a genetic eye condition, so any offspring could end up blind, mental and with an unstable mother – not the best start in life!

    Not that I’m saying everyone in similar positions should take my stance, of course; we’re all individuals. But I do think it’s right that people planning on having kids really consider it, rather than just doing it because it ‘feels right’. You should have to be responsible for the lives you create.

    Although I’m sorry that your mother was abusive and irresponsible, I am ultimately still glad that you were born, and that you’re here 🙂

    Pan x

    • tai0316 says:

      I totally understand your choice Pan. I made the same decision years ago and a lot of it was based on me knowing that I couldn’t be the kind of parent my child would deserve. Not that I wouldn’t have loved them completely and wholeheartedly, but mentally I’m too unstable to have taken care of them the way I would have wanted to. It was a very difficult time for me. Genetics came into play too because I’m bipolar and it runs in my family.

      I’m glad you’re here too 😀

  2. empty says:

    I have no children. Never, ever wanted children. I hate babies and kids. It’s harsh, but true. My t says it stems from the abuse. I’ve always felt babies ruin everything. You’ll probably never know why your mom had you. I’m assuming it was pure selfishness. BUT…..I’m so glad she had you! You’re wonderful. You taught me a lot. Made me rethink many things. And I thank you for that.


    • tai0316 says:

      Oh my goodness! jo that is SO sweet! I’m glad you’re here too even though you’ve been through so much pain. The world is a better place with you in it. 🙂

  3. Bay says:

    I’ve wondered that a lot. I know someone who is desperate to have kids because she’s sure it’s the only thing that will make her happy. As it happens I think she is self-aware enough to not be abusive towards her kids when she does have them, but her reasons still scare me.
    Feels like we’ve only known you about five minutes, but I agree with what Jo and Pan have said, we’re glad you were born. We like what we see in you.

  4. castorgirl says:

    I was born because of religious beliefs, nothing more, nothing less. I was wanted as another offering to the Catholic machine. I’m sure my mother thought she wanted me, and I’m sure that my parents think that they provided for me… provided handsomely, compared to others. There was also the expectation that they would marry and have children… it was what their generation did.

    As for me… I made a conscious decision not to have a child with the person I married.

    No matter what the reason for us being born, it is up to us what we do with that life. There will always be impediments as to why we can’t all be brain surgeons, or whatever… but we can make choices to break cycles of abuse, learn new ways, etc.

    Take care,

    • castorgirl says:

      Well gee, hands up if you thought I sounded more cynical and angry than usual. I’m sorry tai, didn’t mean to bring my issues to your blog.


    • tai0316 says:

      Ah, the Catholic thing! What a great gift that’s been to children everywhere. Sorry, did that come out bitter? I think that you’re right, that parents in that situation may think that they do want their kids, even if it’s for the wrong reasons, like duty. And yes, the generational thing comes into play as well.

      I’m completely with you on choices. We all have choices. Of course I believe that you were born with a good, kind heart anyway. 🙂

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