When you lose something you never thought you could

For my entire life I had one bright spot that I could think about and remember: my grandmother and the safety I had when with her. She was the one person who always believed in me and loved me unconditionally. Her house was a haven and no matter where I was in life or what was happening, I was always aware that she was out there waiting for me to come home. That’s what got me through my childhood, knowing that she was there.

Even as an adult after she died, I still had the memories to give me comfort. Now that’s gone.

I don’t know when I lost it, but it’s gone. When I think about home now, there’s no brightness or happiness, it’s just dark and twisted and ominous. I can’t see her house in my mind or think about that town without everything looking scary and wrong. Why did that happen? When did this change take place?

I thought I’d always have that mental oasis, a place of good, solid memories to remind me of happy, safe times, but it’s been taken from me. I don’t understand why. Now, her house and that town is completely ties to my uncle and sexual abuse. It’s like every memory has been drained of light and made dark, literally. When I think of the past, of my grandmother, there’s literally a layer of darkness covering the images. It’s bizarre and mean. That’s all I had of her and it’s been tainted. How can memories be tainted? How can something that was good and honest be made dirty and surreal? It just doesn’t seem right or fair.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, Incest, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Rape, Sexual Abuse, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to When you lose something you never thought you could

  1. meredith says:

    So… I read the post about your dream first… and it makes sense to me that your memories are clouded now.

    Your past really isn’t a safe place at this time, tai, because you’re beginning to explore more of the past than you allowed yourself to previously. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I can’t imagine the trauma your body experiences with all the med changes.

    Thinking of you,

    • tai0316 says:

      Hmmm…you make an intersting point meredith about the past not being safe. I hadn’t thought of that because certain parts of my past have always been safe no matter what. I didn’t expect anything to affect those areas. I wrote a short email to my therapist telling her that my memories don’t feel so good right now but I didn’t get into the way I did here.

  2. castorgirl says:

    Hi tai,

    Do you have anything positive from your grandmother that you can look at? Anything tangible to create a link to her and the goodness that she represented in your life? It might help to jog those good memories again.

    You’ve gone for a long time without therapy, had a huge amount of stress, your medication is being changed and had contact from your mother… if you put those factors into the picture, then it makes sense that all you see is the darkness at the moment. But it won’t always be this way. The stress will ease, your medication will hopefully allow you to find a new balance, and you’ll be able to put the contact from your mother into perspective.

    Go gently and you will find a new balance… a new stable ground.

    Please take care of yourself,

    • tai0316 says:

      Hi CG,

      You actually touched on something that is a serious issue with me and that’s the lack of things that I have from my grandmother. It’s a huge issue because after she died, I inherited everything, but my mother went into the house and stole a bunch of stuff, including family albums and keepsakes. I didn’t know until I couldn’t find them and I saw some of them in her house. It has literally plagued my mind since it happened. One of the common themes of my dreams since my grandmother died has been going back to her house and trying to find something that belongs to her and not being able to because it’s all gone.

      So, no I don’t have anything, because my mother stole it.

      Thanks for the encouragement. I really hope that seeing my therapist later this month will help. And thank you for the kind thoughts and words. 🙂

  3. Bay says:

    Hi Tai,
    Feel for you loosing that sense of safety, that’s hard.
    We’re angry at your mother for you for stealing those things, hope that’s ok to say, let me know if not.
    I wonder if you could make something for yourself from your grandmother? Like, we made a string of beads where each person who is important to us has chosen a different bead – and we chose one for someone who died and so couldn’t choose their own. Or maybe making something related to something you did together? Maybe a collage or something?
    Dunno, they might be stupid ideas, but thought it might help if you could somehow create something that helps you keep contact with your grandmother.

    • tai0316 says:

      Hi Bay, I don’t mind you saying that you’re mad at our mother, I appreciate it. I think you had a very good idea and it’s a lovely thought.

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