Anger, pain, and so many things that don’t have names

I sent a message to my mother telling her that the no contact rule is still in place. I told her that I wished her and her husband well and that we would be there if there was an emergency.

The letter was very nice, with no accusations, just a request that distance be maintained unless I decide otherwise. Fast forward to today and my mother wrote my husband a scathing, angry message, accusing him of being behind my decision and telling him that he must be mentally ill like me. She said that she doesn’t want any contact with us and that I always say bad things about our family, including her brother, the one that she told me raped her when she was young! That’s right, she’s angry because she says that I say bad things about him! This is not the man who abused me, this is my mother’s brother and when I was 17 she told me that he raped her and no one did anything. I never talk about him because I find it incredibly disturbing that she continues to have a relationship with him all of these years despite what she says he did! So where is her accusation coming from!?

She said that everything was our fault and that she doesn’t need my help, she can take care of herself. My husband responded with an incredibly mature and kind message of his own, conveying that he wishes that she and I could have a normal relationship but stating that he supports my decision. He was very mild and said that he wanted her to know that he wasn’t telling me what to do. He explained to her that I was abused by her and that I’m trying to heal. She responded by writing him and telling him that he’s been terrible to her and that he’s treated her so badly. She said that I’m making things up because I’m mentally ill. She said that she went to a mental health doctor and he said that she’s fine. So according to her: I was never abused by her, I’m making everything up because I’m crazy and my husband is a horribly mean person who has screamed at her and made her cry. My husband never screams, it’s absurd. And somehow she made everything about her.

I don’t know how to handle this. I’m not going to respond to her, but I’m talking about how to handle it within myself. There’s been so much chaos in my head. What’s killing me is seeing my mother defend a brother that she said raped her!!! She’s angry with me for things that A) I never said about B) a man she says effin’ raped her! What the hell is wrong with my family!!!???

I can’t tell you how much she went on and on about how terribly she’s been treated by us and how she has high blood pressure and how we’re so mean. It meant nothing to her that I told her I was just trying to find some peace and that if she loved me as she recently claimed, she would want that for me even if it hurt her to not talk to me. I even said that the future was open as far as contact if things could change between us. She doesn’t love me! She’s never loved me, or if she does, it’s some twisted, sick, demented form of “love”!

 I come from horrible people! It makes me wonder if I’m tainted? How can I be so different from them? Why did I stop pretending when that’s what our family does? It makes me feel like I am crazy because none of this makes sense. How can she think things like that? How can she claim to love me and then attack me like that? I’m trying to hold on to my emotions because I don’t want my husband to worry and I’m afraid of feeling what I sense is there.

Earlier today, after I read her message, I was downstairs getting something and I felt this weird pressure in my head like I was going to switch. I fought it but I’m scared. It’s like I’m going to have to go through all of this stuff all over again. I don’t want to do this again!

My therapist will be coming back on the 10th and that’s when my appointment is. I don’t know how I’m going to handle all of this stuff. It’s like I want to tell my mother all of this stuff that’s stuffed inside but it never matters because she says she didn’t do anything wrong. She never denies that she hit me, she just thinks that it wasn’t abuse. That’s not even taking into account the neglect and leaving me here and there while she went off doing her own thing.

She says that I only think it’s abuse because that’s what people say today. I say that it used to be ok for a man to beat his wife but things have changed. Is that because it was wrong all along or is that just modern thinking too? I know for a fact that she doesn’t think it’s ok for a man to mistreat a woman because when her husband hit her she sure as hell didn’t like it! So what? Is it ok to hit kids but not adults? Or is she just special?

No matter what I would say, she would argue. And she always has to have the last word. There’s no reasoning with her. The weird thing is that I don’t love her, I haven’t since I was very little. So why do I feel this pain? I want to cry, but why should I? I know what kind of person she is, so why am I upset? I know that I’m not crazy so why did I sit around replaying all of the hitting and name-calling and nights being left alone in the dark when I was little and asking myself if that counts as abuse? I know what happened, I’ve always known that my life wasn’t right growing up. She and her husband have walked out on each other more times than I can count, but he’s so whipped he won’t stand up to her! So it’s just me, refusing to pretend anymore while they try to act like nothing happened.

What did I do to make her feel this way about me? I don’t understand why she can’t dredge up any kind of motherly feelings for me. It’s always been about her. My whole life has been about her.

I don’t know what to do.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, DID, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Rape, Sexual Abuse, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Anger, pain, and so many things that don’t have names

  1. Pandora says:

    You are not tainted. You grew up into a wonderful person, and it was in spite of your mother and all the others that harmed you. You are you, not part of them – and ‘you’ is a very special person 🙂

    I’m outraged by how your mother has behaved. I wish I could offer you some advice, but I have no idea how I’d deal with this either. Just stay safe, hun

    • tai0316 says:

      Thanks Pan, I appreciate it. I’m so confused about all of this and I hope that my therapist can help me make some sense out of my feelings. Thank you for the outrage, it made me feel better. 🙂

  2. Pandora says:

    …and lean on your husband if you need to. Plus, of course, we’re here for you too.

    Take care

    P xxx

    (sorry, hit ‘Publish’ too soon on last comment)

  3. Bay says:

    Oh Tai, we hear you and it hurts.
    First off, sounds like in an external sense you and your husband have dealt with this really, really well. But understand that internally it’s much harder to deal with.
    You are not crazy, and you’re not like them, just from reading your blog it’s obvious you have found a different (better) way to be. Don’t think you did anything to make her feel this way about you, think she was probably like that all along, I’m sorry cos you deserved and deserve better. Understand the strong feelings even though you don’t love her, we get that too, mothers are complicated creatures.
    Thinking of you,

    • tai0316 says:

      Thanks Bay, that was really sweet. I can’t shake the feeling that something must be faulty about me to make family act this way even though I know that she’s nuts. Mothers are complicated. They have the capacity to do the most good or the most damage much of the time. Way too much power for one person to have over another’s life. Doesn’t seem fair…

  4. You could be living my life, only I haven’t had the guts to do the no-contact thing..I’m too afraid. I’m always feeling guilty if I don’t do what my mom says. I think I love her.

    Don’t sweat it, not easy for me to say or do, if that’s what you are thinking. For some reason we are so different from them (our parents and “relatives”). I guess there is always a good one in the family even if you do have a mental condition. You don’t have to do anything either. Why not? Well, really even if you wanted to do something what could you do? nothing. Eat some Ice Cream! food is my comfort..but I limit myself, so watch out. Focus on yourself and your husband (kids if you have any). Best wishes.

    • tai0316 says:

      Hi defiant persona,

      I understand the fear of severing contact, it wasn’t easy for me to do either but it was one of the best decisions I ever made. I’m sure it makes it more difficult when you still love your parent.

      Thank you for the kind wishes. 🙂

  5. castorgirl says:

    It’s amazing how your mother can push her issues everywhere, except where they belong – with her. Remember that they are HER issues. Yes, they will effect you, but they are not yours to own. The only thing that you need to own, is how to keep yourself safe and healing. I think you’re doing a pretty awesome job of that by maintaining a safe boundary, and getting support from the people you can trust around you.

    As others have said, everything about you shows that you chose a different path in life to your family. That path supported who and what you are – an amazing human who is caring, warm and positive to be around. Please don’t buy into other people’s negative press about you – that shows their issues, more than anything to do with you.

    Sending positive thoughts your way,

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