I sent a message to my mother telling her that the no contact rule is still in place. I told her that I wished her and her husband well and that we would be there if there was an emergency.
The letter was very nice, with no accusations, just a request that distance be maintained unless I decide otherwise. Fast forward to today and my mother wrote my husband a scathing, angry message, accusing him of being behind my decision and telling him that he must be mentally ill like me. She said that she doesn’t want any contact with us and that I always say bad things about our family, including her brother, the one that she told me raped her when she was young! That’s right, she’s angry because she says that I say bad things about him! This is not the man who abused me, this is my mother’s brother and when I was 17 she told me that he raped her and no one did anything. I never talk about him because I find it incredibly disturbing that she continues to have a relationship with him all of these years despite what she says he did! So where is her accusation coming from!?
She said that everything was our fault and that she doesn’t need my help, she can take care of herself. My husband responded with an incredibly mature and kind message of his own, conveying that he wishes that she and I could have a normal relationship but stating that he supports my decision. He was very mild and said that he wanted her to know that he wasn’t telling me what to do. He explained to her that I was abused by her and that I’m trying to heal. She responded by writing him and telling him that he’s been terrible to her and that he’s treated her so badly. She said that I’m making things up because I’m mentally ill. She said that she went to a mental health doctor and he said that she’s fine. So according to her: I was never abused by her, I’m making everything up because I’m crazy and my husband is a horribly mean person who has screamed at her and made her cry. My husband never screams, it’s absurd. And somehow she made everything about her.
I don’t know how to handle this. I’m not going to respond to her, but I’m talking about how to handle it within myself. There’s been so much chaos in my head. What’s killing me is seeing my mother defend a brother that she said raped her!!! She’s angry with me for things that A) I never said about B) a man she says effin’ raped her! What the hell is wrong with my family!!!???
I can’t tell you how much she went on and on about how terribly she’s been treated by us and how she has high blood pressure and how we’re so mean. It meant nothing to her that I told her I was just trying to find some peace and that if she loved me as she recently claimed, she would want that for me even if it hurt her to not talk to me. I even said that the future was open as far as contact if things could change between us. She doesn’t love me! She’s never loved me, or if she does, it’s some twisted, sick, demented form of “love”!
I come from horrible people! It makes me wonder if I’m tainted? How can I be so different from them? Why did I stop pretending when that’s what our family does? It makes me feel like I am crazy because none of this makes sense. How can she think things like that? How can she claim to love me and then attack me like that? I’m trying to hold on to my emotions because I don’t want my husband to worry and I’m afraid of feeling what I sense is there.
Earlier today, after I read her message, I was downstairs getting something and I felt this weird pressure in my head like I was going to switch. I fought it but I’m scared. It’s like I’m going to have to go through all of this stuff all over again. I don’t want to do this again!
My therapist will be coming back on the 10th and that’s when my appointment is. I don’t know how I’m going to handle all of this stuff. It’s like I want to tell my mother all of this stuff that’s stuffed inside but it never matters because she says she didn’t do anything wrong. She never denies that she hit me, she just thinks that it wasn’t abuse. That’s not even taking into account the neglect and leaving me here and there while she went off doing her own thing.
She says that I only think it’s abuse because that’s what people say today. I say that it used to be ok for a man to beat his wife but things have changed. Is that because it was wrong all along or is that just modern thinking too? I know for a fact that she doesn’t think it’s ok for a man to mistreat a woman because when her husband hit her she sure as hell didn’t like it! So what? Is it ok to hit kids but not adults? Or is she just special?
No matter what I would say, she would argue. And she always has to have the last word. There’s no reasoning with her. The weird thing is that I don’t love her, I haven’t since I was very little. So why do I feel this pain? I want to cry, but why should I? I know what kind of person she is, so why am I upset? I know that I’m not crazy so why did I sit around replaying all of the hitting and name-calling and nights being left alone in the dark when I was little and asking myself if that counts as abuse? I know what happened, I’ve always known that my life wasn’t right growing up. She and her husband have walked out on each other more times than I can count, but he’s so whipped he won’t stand up to her! So it’s just me, refusing to pretend anymore while they try to act like nothing happened.
What did I do to make her feel this way about me? I don’t understand why she can’t dredge up any kind of motherly feelings for me. It’s always been about her. My whole life has been about her.
I don’t know what to do.