With all of this stuff about my mother, I’m scared of what will come up in therapy tomorrow. As most of you know, my therapist has been out-of-town for a very long time so this will be my first session in a while. It feels like I’ve been avoiding feeling any emotions because when they come up to the surface they feel like they could overwhelm me so I run. I’ve pushed everything down and I’m frightened like there’s something brewing inside me. I don’t want to face possible anger and other emotions, it’s just too scary.
Another thought occurred to me yesterday about my mother’s actions. She has been sending copies of her messages to one of her brothers, not the one that she says raped her but her other one. Just to keep things clear, he is my uncle but he’s not the “uncle” that molested me. That man is my mother’s cousin and because he was an adult when I was little, I was supposed to call him uncle and feel that way about him. Anyway, she sent a copy of her message to my other uncle and in her message she claimed that I’ve been saying terrible things about him and my other family members (and yes I will repeat that that includes the brother she says assaulted her). The things is, I haven’t seen this uncle in over 16 years, nor have we spoken. How then could I say bad things about a man I don’t even know? I don’t even remember him from my childhood! To say something bad about someone you should probably know them right? So why is my mother lying to him and how many other lies has she told him? My other question is what is her agenda? My thought is that maybe she’s trying to drive a wedge between me and the few remaining family members I have left. As far as close relatives on that side of the family, there’s only my mother and her two brothers. Since I would never speak to the accused rapist, that only leaves this other uncle. If she has told him lies about me, that leaves me with no family on that side. Is that what she wants?
I hate these games and lies! All I wanted to do was stop the cycle of pretending that abuse didn’t happen in our family!