Scared of therapy tomorrow

With all of this stuff about my mother, I’m scared of what will come up in therapy tomorrow. As most of you know, my therapist has been out-of-town for a very long time so this will be my first session in a while. It feels like I’ve been avoiding feeling any emotions because when they come up to the surface they feel like they could overwhelm me so I run. I’ve pushed everything down and I’m frightened like there’s something brewing inside me. I don’t want to face possible anger and other emotions, it’s just too scary.

Another thought occurred to me yesterday about my mother’s actions. She has been sending copies of her messages to one of her brothers, not the one that she says raped her but her other one. Just to keep things clear, he is my uncle but he’s not the “uncle” that molested me. That man is my mother’s cousin and because he was an adult when I was little, I was supposed to call him uncle and feel that way about him. Anyway, she sent a copy of her message to my other uncle and in her message she claimed that I’ve been saying terrible things about him and my other family members (and yes I will repeat that that includes the brother she says assaulted her). The things is, I haven’t seen this uncle in over 16 years, nor have we spoken. How then could I say bad things about a man I don’t even know? I don’t even remember him from my childhood! To say something bad about someone you should probably know them right? So why is my mother lying to him and how many other lies has she told him? My other question is what is her agenda? My thought is that maybe she’s trying to drive a wedge between me and the few remaining family members I have left. As far as close relatives on that side of the family, there’s only my mother and her two brothers. Since I would never speak to the accused rapist, that only leaves this other uncle. If she has told him lies about me, that leaves me with no family on that side. Is that what she wants?

I hate these games and lies! All I wanted to do was stop the cycle of pretending that abuse didn’t happen in our family!


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, Incest, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Rape, Sexual Abuse, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Scared of therapy tomorrow

  1. castorgirl says:

    I can understand the fear of returning to therapy… but try not to overthink it all, and see what happens. Just be you.

    As for your mother’s actions, can you hold your head up and know that none of the things your mother is saying is true? Would you want to contact any of the family and clarify things? If your mother is as unstable as she sounds, do you really think that your family are listening to her? I know it’s difficult not to be reactionary, but actions tell… if someone is happy to spread nastiness, then people see that and make a decision about whether to follow along, or question it. If they’re the sort of people who follow along, do you really want to know them? I know that sounds harsh, but negative people attract more negative people… when I’m told something nasty about someone, it raises flags about the person spreading the gossip more than the person being talked about.

    Keep holding your head up tai, you’ve done nothing wrong…

    I hope the session goes well…
    Take care,

    • tai0316 says:

      It doesn’t sound harsh CG, it’s just annoying to know that she’s saying all of these things and that perhaps because other family members don’t know me, they may believe it. If they only ever hear one side of the story than who can blame them? I like your point about questioning a person who says nasty things about someone, I just wish I could know what my uncle is thinking. Hopefully my session today will be less scary than I fear but we’ll see.

      You’re in my thoughts everyday, my friend.

  2. Bay says:

    Ugh, we hate that first session back after a break too, hope it goes/went as well as possible.

    Your mother… My guess is that she is somehow trying to manipulate you into having contact with her. Maybe hoping you’ll get angry with her and fight back (anger better than no contact?) or that you’ll “see how much she’s hurting” and come running back to her.

    You’ve done nothing wrong and you have every right for your request for no contact to be honored. Hope she stops the games and leaves you in peace.


    • tai0316 says:

      Bay, I think you hit on a point that’s circling my head as well and that’s the possibility that she wants me to react. It seems that no matter how many insane, manipulative things she does, I can never accept that she could go that far in playing games. The truth is though that she absolutely could and would do that. It’s hard to know. My gut is telling me to ignore this and stay silent and I’m going to go with that.

      Thank you 🙂

  3. Freasha1964 says:

    Tai, I have something, maybe to add. It doesn’t matter if they don’t know you. They know your mother. They will have learned to doubt her by now if they themselves are sane.

    You have a great therapist. She will probably zoom right in to where you need to go.

    Hope it goes great tomorrow.

    • tai0316 says:

      Hi Freasha 🙂

      I don’t know, it makes me wonder what kind of groundwork she’s been laying all these years. One of the big things, if not the biggest, is that, to my knowledge, my uncle doesn’t know that my mother claims that their brother raped her. She maintains a relationship with both of them which is just twisted. So, it could be that she’s been lying to him for decades but he wouldn’t know because he’s only getting information from her. For all I know, he has no reason to disbelieve anything she says since he doesn’t know what kind of person I am. I guess, the big question is, how much does it matter to me? Right now it doesn’t matter enough for me to fall into what could be a trap.

      Thank you for caring, it’s always good to see you 🙂

  4. Freasha1964 says:

    Oops: today!

  5. Pandora says:

    Nothing useful to say; the previous commentators have shown much more insight than I could. But I wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you today and hope that therapy went as well as it could have done in these difficult circumstances.

    Aside from thinking the way she’s treated you is horrid, I just don’t understand what your mother is trying to achieve…copying her emails in to her brother? WTF? As CG said, I doubt she’s going to come out of that in anyone’s good books. Not that she deserves too, though.

    Anyway, take care tai – you have indeed done nothing wrong. I hope you’re OK.


    Pan x

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