In my most recent therapy session, I told my therapist about the latest round of communication from my mother. At this point, she has closed the door on trying to heal things between us. She stuck to her argument that I’m just lying because I’m crazy and there’s nothing I can do to reason with someone who is incapable of believing they’ve ever done anything wrong.
My therapist talked about the recent presentation of an alter that’s connected to strong feelings of anger and thinking that if the mother is alive we’re in danger.
My therapist said something that I found surprising and incredibly disturbing. She said that even if my mother died, nothing would change. My mouth almost fell open in terrified shock because I believe that the second my mother stops breathing my world will be more peaceful. She disagreed. My therapist said that the problem is the mother that lives in my head, not the one who’s alive. She said that the mother who lives in the world can’t actually hurt me in any way but that the mother in my mind is the one that wields the power over me. It gave me something to think about. She said that until I deal with the mother in my mind, I will continue to be hurt. She also said that I have to remember that things in life are still going to trigger me, even if she dies. At first I felt hopeless but that wasn’t what she was trying to say. She wants me to deal with the issues and core beliefs that I have about myself because of being abused. She said it’s a lot of work, but that if I can deal with core issues, I can have power over how I react to my mother and I won’t be hurt by her.
I just wanted to share that concept of dealing with the abuser that lives in our mind. If anyone has any thoughts, please feel free to share them.